From Cocoon to butterfly

Today has been a nice day. This is Friday for me and Friday means only one class for the day and it has been nice to not have to run like crazy as I do every day other then. Of course, have to take care of my little one but she is napping right now so I thought that I should get on and start to write what I feel and such. Have been struggling with attitude really really bad. Then figured out, havent’ been taking the vitamens for my pms. started taking them yesterday and let me tell you, woke up and felt so much better. I hate pms because it feels liek the whole world against me kind of thing. Still struggling with it a bit, especially with hubby but on the whole, feel a little better.
Now, on the weight side of things, man, blob oh blob. I have really got to get serious about gtetting this back off and keeping it off. I hate the way I do, I make up my mind andthen a loittle while later,  I start thinking about such and such. Lucky enough I ate all the snacks before so there is nothing unless I go and cook it, terrible isn’t it! But I was ready to do just that today and stopped myself. You see, a friend of mine sent me a dirty duck. No, really, a trully little bath duck that she found in the garbage. WHy is this important? Because I belong to a group that takes ducks and turns them into swans. She was having such a rough time some time ago and when she was about to give up and give in, she found the duck in her garbage. She sent that little thing all the way fromt he US to little ol me. So, I took that duck out and looked at it. I have to be strong, nobody can be strong for me. I hae to get a handle on this eating. I did figure out one thing I am doing> I am using food to punish my husband. Crazy isn’t it, I get mad at him and hurt myself. But that is exactly what I am doing and it is making life really bad for me. It is crazy how weight not only effects our physical being but it also effects our emotional, mental and spiritual being. Even my dreams are affected! Last night I dreamed I looked in the mirror and my mother’s face was looking back at me with the multiple chins she has. It really made me so sad in my dream. My husband is keeping more and more of a distance btw he and me and I know a lot of it is because of my weight gain. I know, some of you may yell about how he should love me for who and not what I am but be honest, who doesn’t look at the body? We were made that way. Graceous, even I look in the mirror when I have no clothes on and I am disgusted at what I see anymore. I don’t even let my husband come to the bathroom with me when I bathe because of how I look. I have discovered that I am a true flapper, when I go down the stairs, my belly and thighs flap against each other! I avoid looking at my reflection anymo9re, climbing all the stairs here is starting to wear on me, I am ashamed to go out anymo9re and now students are muttering how fat I am. In class, they asked me, why was I so fat. I think I mentioned this in the previous blog. They are right to ask. When I go shopping, I look with depression at all the clothes that I previosuly was starting to get into and now, I could n ot fit a thigh in. Why am I self destructive to myself? I get downa nd then go up again like a yoyo, a true yoyo dieter.  I have to find the real Rachel, the Rachelt hat lost over 100 pounds and I have to find that person again. I have to get that strength back. I feel like I am a young child again with sneaking my food all the time, gulping it down so quickly so nobody finds out and so on.
Tina was right, my dreams are showing my lack of control, my fear of it. There is only one way to get it back and that is just to do it. I can’t blame anyone for my troubles because we all have them and most of the time our troubles all coorolate. I have got to beat this but you know what, that is the wrong word, I will never beat this. I have to learn to maintaina nd control it. It will never be beaten. I know that and I know it means I realy have to do without the deserts and snacks. I just don’t want to face a life like that but if I don’t face a life like that, I will never keep the weight off. Sometimes I just want to take the “easy” route and get a gastric bypass but you know what, it is still hard and even harder because of the harm you do to your body. You still have to change your eating habits. You still have to do without the “good junk” So, why do I have to hurt my body to make me eat right when I can just eat right without allt he trouble.  I am going to do this, I have to do this. I should have been at goal by this summer and isntead, I am battling it out again. How many times will I have to lose the same pounds? How many times do I have to look at my body and try to hide it under a towel when my hsuband sees me in the bathroom. Enough! So, today I have started and will try to keep up with this blog to help keep things under control. Already had two strong coffees to help. Was thinking of going to the coffee house to get out of the house but knew I could not deal with the temptations while out. I want to do this. I want  to feel pretty again. I want that confidence, be able to fit in my clothes again, to stop hiding and have my husband want me again. Goodness, I want a lot and all it takes it getting my control back again and stop being the blob. The blog doesn’t seem to have a mind, it just mindlessly goes and eats and gets bigger. It never stops to think but keeps going and getting bigger and more destructive. I am doing that. I am not thinking about things and I keep getting bigger and more destructive not only to myself but to all those in my immediate vicinity. Time for control.