From Cocoon to butterfly

Just got up a few minutes ago. Really kinda out of it because just had a bad night of not sleeping well and when I did sleep, I was having nightmares of spiders, ok, one really big one and I could feel it on my legs and was kicking literally! And I also dreamed that I walked into my little girls room and someone took her and the window was wide open. Woke up with a scream on that one. So, thought I would come here and try to talk myself back into thinking normally. I have missed blogging very much but it seems my time slips away before I even know it. I had thought I would be having more time today in the morning but have to listen to an insurance agent for work, what fun!

Work is going well. I thought I would be doing terrible with high schoolers but actually it is going alright. They are the best students in this area (we have various high schools that take different grade levels from middle school) I am enjoying talking iwth them but I want to think of more topics to have them talk about, anyone have any ideas?

As for hubby and I, well, not so good. Maybe I am letting little things get to me but it seems he only wants to be near me, talk with me or come to bed early is when he wants sex. Ok, I like sex but not all the time. GIve me a break, I am so busy and sometimes I just want to drop in bed and I am not interested. Anyway, it seems we are drifting apart somehow and I don’t kow how to stop it.. Is this how marriage is where you pretty much do your own life with occasional brushes with your spouse? Because of an infection , I battle yeast infections like crazy, another problem I can’t get solved no matter what medicine they put me on) he can’t have sex. So, he goes to bed really late. So, pretty much I don’t get time with him much anymore. The other night, he goes out with a college friend and just did not come back at all. That really got me steaming. I am sure it will work out. I am just letting this all out.

Weight wise, well, there is where the demons come in. I still have not been able to get a handle on my binging and I am back up to the 180s! That is where a lot of this negatve talk is coming though. FOr goodness sake, when I go down the stairs I can feel my thighs literally flappi ng against each other! I want to stop and do well till night time, then it is like a demon comes to possess me and I go crazy. I really do wish I could have someone to just tie me up until I come to my senses. Winter is approaching and I have very little to wear now. One of my students yesterday asked me “Rachel, why are you so fat?” I could not get angry but they work at a whole different mentality here and it was not meant hurtfully. I first educated him on never asking that question to another foreigner but for my own answer, I have to ask myself, why? Another lady said I had looked so good when I got thin, now i was getting fat again, why. I dont know. Why can’t I stop? Why can’t I find the control? I know there is noone who can do it for me. maybe force myself? I don’t know, I really don’t know. I wish I could turn back time to last January and not fall off the plan and i would have been to goal but the question really would be, could I have stayed at goal?

Ok I will be back for more mental perusal later. I am out of my allotted morning time (15 min) and need to get allt he kids up and going.