From Cocoon to butterfly

Well, got about 1/2 an hour before school and my youngest is still asleep so thought I would pop in here and post a bit before she gets up and starts rolling because then there is no time. I did mess up during the weekend. It wasn’t as bad as it couldve been but Ive been worse so at least that is better. I keep messing up but I also keep trying and I think that is worth something at least because there are times where I feel I just want to quit but my weight bothers me so bad I can’t give up so trying again today. Stomach a little quesy today so maybe something I ate yesterday got to me so hopefully it will make it easier to keep on plan today.

Things are going better for Dh and I. It really is amazing what hormones do to your body. They reak havok on mine. I really go on a rollar coaster with mine but the trouble is my roller coaster doesn’t do the up, only the steep down! But now I am remembering my vitamens, it has been a whole lot better. Still fighting the infection. I think I may need to hit the doctor again. Not itching now but having sex hurts so worried about that. Someone suggested that perhaps my husband is giving it to me. I wish it was that simple but it is not. When I was in America for about a month, I got one while I was there and I was not with him then. Something in my body is not right but don’t know what. I was in the US for too short of a time for the doctor to pinpoint anything down. Over here, they are useless for that so just have to battle it out. Perhaps it could be becuase of the intro to too many sweets this year doing it, maybe? But I have been battling it out even when Iw as losing weight and had no sweets so who knows!

Was at the doctors last night, my youngest has chicken pox, wonderful! HOw in the world does that virus stay alive? I am just thankful that the older two have already had their share of it but they had a light case so I will have to watch them pretty carefully.

Work is going well. I am really enjoying it a lot better (except for one class) and that has made my life easier.

One worrying point for me is this Sunday. My sister is coming to visit me. This will be the first time in over ten years that anyone from my family has ever come to visit me in China. So, I should be happy, right? Well, I am more nervous and worried about it. You see, my sister and I are 13 years apart so pretty much we are strangers in every way. By the time she was toddling around, Iw as already out of the house so we have never really gotten close. I have always lived too far away or  really, we just did not click to be honest. So, I am worried about that. Plus, having her here is like have an extension of my mother here. Whatever happens, she will be telling my mother and my mother will beleive everyting so I worry about that. I want to show her a good time but have no idea what she likes. I have begged her sevearl times to tell me where and what but she just keeps putting it off. I am worried that she will want to visit Beijing and all that on my buck. It costs a lot for plane tickets and all that so I worry about that plus with her putting it off on planning, getting a ticket by the time she gets here will cost big because we will be on national holiday and let me tell you, China has a LOT of people. Also, I only have four days off to spend with her so how to take care of her when I am working? I can’t ask off from work because 1. new job 2. strict system.  I can’t leave her on her own because of the language factor I know it will all work out someway but I worry anyway. Plus, where to put her to sleep. She hates kids but I only have two rooms for her, one with the two older kids or a small one with the younger one. No getting out of it. Hmmm, if it was my big brother I would not worry because I know him pretty good but with her, I do worry.  I also worry about food. If she doens’t like chinese food, she will be pretty much up the creek without a paddle. Hopefully she has changed and grown up since the last I saw her. We have never really liked each other that much honestly and yes I know that for a fact because she told my mother about it while my mother was talkign about me and how bad I was (yes, I was bad and read the email) BUt, just have to keep to my family rules. Keep mouth shut, say nothing bad about any family and try to be a gracious host even if I have to use my money from my savings   Yikes, any ideas guys?

Today has been a nice day. This is Friday for me and Friday means only one class for the day and it has been nice to not have to run like crazy as I do every day other then. Of course, have to take care of my little one but she is napping right now so I thought that I should get on and start to write what I feel and such. Have been struggling with attitude really really bad. Then figured out, havent’ been taking the vitamens for my pms. started taking them yesterday and let me tell you, woke up and felt so much better. I hate pms because it feels liek the whole world against me kind of thing. Still struggling with it a bit, especially with hubby but on the whole, feel a little better.
Now, on the weight side of things, man, blob oh blob. I have really got to get serious about gtetting this back off and keeping it off. I hate the way I do, I make up my mind andthen a loittle while later,  I start thinking about such and such. Lucky enough I ate all the snacks before so there is nothing unless I go and cook it, terrible isn’t it! But I was ready to do just that today and stopped myself. You see, a friend of mine sent me a dirty duck. No, really, a trully little bath duck that she found in the garbage. WHy is this important? Because I belong to a group that takes ducks and turns them into swans. She was having such a rough time some time ago and when she was about to give up and give in, she found the duck in her garbage. She sent that little thing all the way fromt he US to little ol me. So, I took that duck out and looked at it. I have to be strong, nobody can be strong for me. I hae to get a handle on this eating. I did figure out one thing I am doing> I am using food to punish my husband. Crazy isn’t it, I get mad at him and hurt myself. But that is exactly what I am doing and it is making life really bad for me. It is crazy how weight not only effects our physical being but it also effects our emotional, mental and spiritual being. Even my dreams are affected! Last night I dreamed I looked in the mirror and my mother’s face was looking back at me with the multiple chins she has. It really made me so sad in my dream. My husband is keeping more and more of a distance btw he and me and I know a lot of it is because of my weight gain. I know, some of you may yell about how he should love me for who and not what I am but be honest, who doesn’t look at the body? We were made that way. Graceous, even I look in the mirror when I have no clothes on and I am disgusted at what I see anymore. I don’t even let my husband come to the bathroom with me when I bathe because of how I look. I have discovered that I am a true flapper, when I go down the stairs, my belly and thighs flap against each other! I avoid looking at my reflection anymo9re, climbing all the stairs here is starting to wear on me, I am ashamed to go out anymo9re and now students are muttering how fat I am. In class, they asked me, why was I so fat. I think I mentioned this in the previous blog. They are right to ask. When I go shopping, I look with depression at all the clothes that I previosuly was starting to get into and now, I could n ot fit a thigh in. Why am I self destructive to myself? I get downa nd then go up again like a yoyo, a true yoyo dieter.  I have to find the real Rachel, the Rachelt hat lost over 100 pounds and I have to find that person again. I have to get that strength back. I feel like I am a young child again with sneaking my food all the time, gulping it down so quickly so nobody finds out and so on.
Tina was right, my dreams are showing my lack of control, my fear of it. There is only one way to get it back and that is just to do it. I can’t blame anyone for my troubles because we all have them and most of the time our troubles all coorolate. I have got to beat this but you know what, that is the wrong word, I will never beat this. I have to learn to maintaina nd control it. It will never be beaten. I know that and I know it means I realy have to do without the deserts and snacks. I just don’t want to face a life like that but if I don’t face a life like that, I will never keep the weight off. Sometimes I just want to take the “easy” route and get a gastric bypass but you know what, it is still hard and even harder because of the harm you do to your body. You still have to change your eating habits. You still have to do without the “good junk” So, why do I have to hurt my body to make me eat right when I can just eat right without allt he trouble.  I am going to do this, I have to do this. I should have been at goal by this summer and isntead, I am battling it out again. How many times will I have to lose the same pounds? How many times do I have to look at my body and try to hide it under a towel when my hsuband sees me in the bathroom. Enough! So, today I have started and will try to keep up with this blog to help keep things under control. Already had two strong coffees to help. Was thinking of going to the coffee house to get out of the house but knew I could not deal with the temptations while out. I want to do this. I want  to feel pretty again. I want that confidence, be able to fit in my clothes again, to stop hiding and have my husband want me again. Goodness, I want a lot and all it takes it getting my control back again and stop being the blob. The blog doesn’t seem to have a mind, it just mindlessly goes and eats and gets bigger. It never stops to think but keeps going and getting bigger and more destructive. I am doing that. I am not thinking about things and I keep getting bigger and more destructive not only to myself but to all those in my immediate vicinity. Time for control.

Just got up a few minutes ago. Really kinda out of it because just had a bad night of not sleeping well and when I did sleep, I was having nightmares of spiders, ok, one really big one and I could feel it on my legs and was kicking literally! And I also dreamed that I walked into my little girls room and someone took her and the window was wide open. Woke up with a scream on that one. So, thought I would come here and try to talk myself back into thinking normally. I have missed blogging very much but it seems my time slips away before I even know it. I had thought I would be having more time today in the morning but have to listen to an insurance agent for work, what fun!

Work is going well. I thought I would be doing terrible with high schoolers but actually it is going alright. They are the best students in this area (we have various high schools that take different grade levels from middle school) I am enjoying talking iwth them but I want to think of more topics to have them talk about, anyone have any ideas?

As for hubby and I, well, not so good. Maybe I am letting little things get to me but it seems he only wants to be near me, talk with me or come to bed early is when he wants sex. Ok, I like sex but not all the time. GIve me a break, I am so busy and sometimes I just want to drop in bed and I am not interested. Anyway, it seems we are drifting apart somehow and I don’t kow how to stop it.. Is this how marriage is where you pretty much do your own life with occasional brushes with your spouse? Because of an infection , I battle yeast infections like crazy, another problem I can’t get solved no matter what medicine they put me on) he can’t have sex. So, he goes to bed really late. So, pretty much I don’t get time with him much anymore. The other night, he goes out with a college friend and just did not come back at all. That really got me steaming. I am sure it will work out. I am just letting this all out.

Weight wise, well, there is where the demons come in. I still have not been able to get a handle on my binging and I am back up to the 180s! That is where a lot of this negatve talk is coming though. FOr goodness sake, when I go down the stairs I can feel my thighs literally flappi ng against each other! I want to stop and do well till night time, then it is like a demon comes to possess me and I go crazy. I really do wish I could have someone to just tie me up until I come to my senses. Winter is approaching and I have very little to wear now. One of my students yesterday asked me “Rachel, why are you so fat?” I could not get angry but they work at a whole different mentality here and it was not meant hurtfully. I first educated him on never asking that question to another foreigner but for my own answer, I have to ask myself, why? Another lady said I had looked so good when I got thin, now i was getting fat again, why. I dont know. Why can’t I stop? Why can’t I find the control? I know there is noone who can do it for me. maybe force myself? I don’t know, I really don’t know. I wish I could turn back time to last January and not fall off the plan and i would have been to goal but the question really would be, could I have stayed at goal?

Ok I will be back for more mental perusal later. I am out of my allotted morning time (15 min) and need to get allt he kids up and going.

Well, since I last wrote, I went on another binge. Just went downhill from there. Still trying to figure out how to cut that off, take control of myself and I have yet to figure it out. I got a lot of good comments about ideas and things and I was surprised at how many did understand exactly what I felt. Living over in China, nobody understands how I feel, how I get out of control but can’t stop, how I eat and don’t want to eat more but can’t help it. To know you guys are struggling with the same thing makes me feel not so isolated. One of the ideas I was given was about when the “authority figures” were out of the house, I ate so why dn’t I change it to where I am the authrotiy figure;. PRetty good idea and I have triedd oing that but when I do that that is where my “all or nothing” comes in. It is the only way I can control myself and keep control I think I need to just concentrate on that for right now and don;t worry about how to balance it out till later. I know my body likes living healthy, not just the weight but also blood blisters in my mouth from eating sweets/processed carbs, bad stomach and other things. My body is talking loudly and I have to choose to listen or not. I want to listen because I feel terrible when I don’t.

So, I started back on track. I started the new school semester on Tuesday and decided that if I am starting that and back to routine, then I will start eating right on the same day and time. Sometimes routine really helps me where nothing else does. I have to say, yep, the routine has helped tremendously! I have been back on track and doing well. Tomorrow starts the weekend so will have to see how that pans out but I am determined to make it this time. Well, I really have too. I have some “fat” clothes I can still use in the summer but winter comes and I have no clothes I can wear. I had them all cut down to fit me so if I don’t lose for winter, I will be a really cold Rachel. Living over here, there isn’t the option of buying more clothes until I am thinner again so back on track, making a come3back and reaching goal!