From Cocoon to butterfly

Ok, doing alright. Had a moment of wanting to bing but resisted. I have found I always want to eat when the  “authority” is not at home. I thinki it comes fromw hen I was younger and living with my family, I would wait till they were not around and then eat. So, anytime I am alone, that is when it hits. I will have to learn how to cope but I really think that it will never go away. It comes down to that I have to be constantly aware of the problem . Kinda like an addict, ok, like an addict. They never get rid of their addiction completely. They only learn how to manage the monster and have to be on their guard all the time. Sounds like an exhausting life. Just being honest.  I know another root problem is my rebellious nature. I want what I can’t have. Being told I can’t have something leads to me wanting it even more. Sure sure, some of you will say, don’t deprive y oruself, take small portions and so on but what you don’t think about is I am an addict. Take an alcoholic or a druggie for instance, if they come to you saying I want to drink/get a hit but I can’t and it makes me feel like I am so deprived, what will you say? Oh, just take a small hit, just take a small sip and then you can handle it. No, of course not. YOu know that even that small taste will set them off. So it is with me also. I can’t control myself. I know I really don’t want to eat and not hungry but I still keep stuffing myself. Have done that since, goodness, I was 12 to 13. My mother quit buying the boxes of ice cream because I would eat them all, one day. Still really bad about that. I buy popsicles and such and I can eat probably six or more in one sitting. I know what I am doing and I feel horrible but it is like I can’t stop myself. I get up and get another one and tell myself, this is the last one, no more. So, how to learn to stop this. I can go for a walk, get online and so on but in the back of my mind, the urge is there , it is like an obsession . SO how to stop, I don’t know. It isn’t like drinking or drugs where you can totally give it up. YOu have to eat. I know he answer you know I just don’t want to accept it. I have to eat healthy the rest of my life and give up all the junk. Salad or grilled will be a way of life. I just hate to think about that but I know in the end, that will be all that works. I just worry about my mentality, all or nothing. How did I lose that 100 pounds, all or nothing baby. I have tried to change it but after 100 pounds, still hasn’t changed. One day I have to learn. I still have at least 40 more pounds to lose and I want thta so bad. But do I want it bad enough to overcome binging?

It’s been rough with the eating. I can go for a few weeks and then I fall into bing mode again. It really does scare me about how to change myself. So many have told me, when you get down more, it will just clickand you will not want to bing anymore. Ok, I have lost over 100 and let me tell you, I still want to bing and still do bing.  I can put away a whole box of cupcakes, lots of ice cream, fried rice and packs of cookies and that is one night! I don’t know why I do it and I don’t know how to stop myself. I keep trying to learn what to do to prevent binging but have yet to figure any of that out yet. There has been no click for me. It has been pure willpower to just not take that first bite that ends into a bing. What will I do when I reach goal? I can’t continue to eat this way all my life. I will have to eat other things but how to prevent going crazy? When I go on binges I don’t stop but continue it for a week or more and gain over ten easy in the first week. I hate tis and want it to stop but just am befuddle in how to stop it. Some have said to keep trigger food out of the house. Trouble is that anything becomes the target of binging no matter how much I like or dislike it.

Last night was another night of wanting ot continue binging but my husband asked me if i wanted to go out for a massage or stay home. I knew in my present state, staying home was not a good decision so went ofr a massage. So glad I did .Have been having headaches really bad lately (I think a side effect of too much sugar and carbs) so I had a head massage ohhhhh, that was nice. when I got home, was feeling much better. So two days in and ready to start three.  Had a bit of stomach problems today but I think my system is getting rid of allt he junk. I have got to stay on plan and get to goal and stay there for once and for all! I am tired of going back and forth like a yoyo or a hamster in a ball!