From Cocoon to butterfly

Thank you for the concern of thosea bout my weight loss. I can assure you that I did not starve myself or anything but just ate normal. I have no idea why I lost that amount in a week and was amazed. But I am positive that from now on it will be more normal. I am just so thankful that things have finally “clicked” with me. Things were going so bad for me this year with eating. I would be doing really well for a few days and then go crazy with binge eating the rest of the time and I just could not stop. It was like I was starving all the time. Then finally, one day things just went click and I was fine. It has been two weeks now and goodness I feel so much better and now have control back in my life. Physically is great in feeling but what is even better is just feeling better mentally. When I eat off plan, I get really nasty toward people. I think it is a combination of how I feel about myself and deflecting it toward others but I also think that something in the food and such really does react badly with me.
I am now going and learning some of my triggers again. I just cant’ yoyo all the time. I am thankful I was able to stop it this time before I got over 200 but I want to learn how to control myself to the point of five or less pounds. I see myself go up more then 1 pound, right back on plan and no binging. THis week, I have lost about 2 pounds or a bit more but what I really see changing is my inches. I am measuring myself next week to see how many I have dropped in two weeks but just by looking in the mirror and my clothes, I know I have lost a ton. It amazes me but it shouldn’t. When I was eating and then weigh, I really did not weigh that much and I thought my body was just “that good” Yeah right, might not have been putting on the weight just yet but it was putting on the inches! So, never trick yourself in thinking just because you don’t gain weight that you can still have that bad food. Look at your inches also! Even my husband is saying I am looking skinnier now and he is very straight about what he thinks and I honestly feel much better. So, first goal is to get to 155. Should be there by the end of this month is what I am hoping and then  onto 140’s and then to get below that . I want ot make goal this time! I am just thankful things clicked and I really will always have to watch myself in my eating and all that.

I hate to say I will never be able to eat bread and cookies but until I figure out how to stay within a portion size, I will have to avoid it. Right now, to take one to two cookies is like giving one hit to an addict, it isnt’ enough and I obsess about the rest of them. Last night, I was really dead tired and my kids cookies really were calling me. I don’t even really like chip ahoy cookies, too dry but right at that moment that was all I could really think of at the time. I kept telliong myself and thinking about how they really tasted and how I would feel after that first bite (the guilt and such) FInally called my kids in there to finish all of them and once intheir stomach, I was fine. Woke up in the morning feeling extra fine! And I got to try out my new bd present. My mom sent me a french press and some good coffee (we don’t ahve good coffee over here) and I made a cup of the “spring riot” Man, that was better then junk food! So great and I drink it black so no problemw itht eh diet. I wanted another cup so bad but have to use it sparingly since I can’t get any more coffee till next year. But taht, was better than any cookies, cake or bread. So, secreet, make that before any junk food crosses these lips! I am so excited looking over my body and seeing allt he changes again. I have missed you my old thin friend!

And that was just five days. Horrible really if you consider what I was eating to keep up there and keep going up. Many say they can’t really get that many calories in to gain so fast but I sure can and I hate it. Iam feeling so much better and more in control of myself. It is great also because I was getting into the habit of weighing on Tuesday and then binging the rest of the day with the rational that I would have six days to get it off. Crazy but that is what I would do and of course I went up and never down from that. But today, just weighing in makes me even more motivated to keep it going and get it down and to goal for good. I can now wear more of my clothes that I bought in the US and that feels good. I still have ones I can’t wear and underwear but I am looking forward to getting them on again soon! I want to look nice and feel nice. It is so  strange that I use food to make me feel better but within 10 min of it, I get to be a terrible witch and feel like the world has it out for me. I really think the chemicals in it are not good for me. Maybe it is alright in small doses but in the large doses I do, I pretty much overdose on it and my body has it’s revenge on me not just in weight gain but also in bad attitude and so on. I want to keep this up and feel I love myself again. I know I still have a ways to go but hey, first step is a doozy and then the rest will fall in line. I am thinking I can be in the 150’s by August and maybe high 140s. So, By Sept, I can start to wear my cooler weather clothes because if I don’t get down, I will have nothing to wear!

Oh, and Nancy, no new job yet. Still looking but can’t find any. My job told me too late so many places don’t need a teacher. Trying to not worry aboiut it but I still do.

It has been some time since being back on here. Things have beenrough with things in life but that is normal for everyone. My biggest trouble is that I am such a addict, for r3eal. With refined flour and sugar products. I eat and eat and eat and not hungry but I keep looking for things to keep eating even when it makes me sick. I gained 20 pounds in two weeks if that tells you anything. But I was miserable and finally somebody online gave me some tough love, I needed that. Nt the soft version of , it will be alright. No the hard version. I have so far done five days and feeling good. The first day was not the greatest and a day in the middle of the week but a total of five days on plan and feeling a lot better. Today’s weigh in shows me 15 pounds down so that makes me feel so much better but also so much more ashamed. Why? Because with that kind of weight loss in five days, shows just how much I was eating and out of control.

Tomorrow will be official weigh in and feeling good about it. I want to look good for my new job, when I find one because I lost my last one, they let me go *sigh*