From Cocoon to butterfly

I am so frusterated with myself! I told my husband just to lock me in a room and feed me when I have to be fed. That would be the only way. Hate this stupid weight. Yesterday , while i was walking with my youngest daughter (she is 20 months and wants to run everywhere) a man stopped me and said, you looked really beautiful before but now you are getting fat again. Gee, thanks. But not only him but there are many others who comment about my weight. Yep, this is China. But I try not to get mad or anything because it does keep me in mind about my weight but sometimes, ok guys, I do look in the mirror everyday.

My biggest trouble, curse and fault is 72kg which is about 158.4 pounds. Why ? Because anytime I get into the 150’s, my body starts to turn against me. It seems to like that spot and fights me terribly about getting below it. No, this is not the best place for my body to be because it shows badly on my frame. I am petite and small boned and this weight doesn’t look good on me. But for whatever reason, my body like sthis weight and everytime I start to get lower, I have a fit with temptations, cravings and so on. I get to feeling tired, headache and so on until I have that bad food I really want and then boom, back up again. I have been doing this for years. Even right before I got married, I got down to 154 and then stopped. I am sick of this number and want to get below it again. Just not sure how to bypass by stupid body. Hmm, do you think they would sew my mouth shut??

well, if I was a vampire, there would have been a lot of people dead. I just lost it again and gained back the weight I lost last week. What is wrong with me. I do well for a day or two and then start to obsess about food and eventually go down in flames. I am just not committed as I need to be. So, I have a plan. I am going to get up extra early which is easy for me now since it is light earlier) and do 30 min of exercise. See how I feel and steel my mind to do or die to stay with the plan. I am still having trouble with my nights so perhaps I need to add exercise to my nights also. So, that is myh plan, I will start tomoorow with the exercise but today, eating right. I have got to stop this or I will be back where I was last year and I don’t want that! I am having more trouble fitting in my clothes and I Just feel terrible. So do or die

I miss not being able to join and eat with my family. I mean, yes, I do eat and yes, I eat with them but it isn’t the same. Today, great grandmother came and two cousins, girlfriend and brother/sis in law. So, my fil cooked a huge feast of allt he good things. I don’t mind eating my own food but I finish before anyone else. How do you deal with not being able to eat like everyone else is eating? I am sitting here on the computer now while they are all still eating. I feel that I miss out so much sometimes by having to live this kind of life (weight loss) and even when at goal, I can’t really eat like they eat. How do deal? I really don’t know. When I go to a wedding here, same thing, weddings here are mainly banquets more then anything. So, I have my own food but finished way before anyone else and have to sit and see all this delicious food going by. How to deal with it?  It isn’t like they are fat people, most chinese are thin but they do love to eat and they DO eat. I know I am not chinese and don’t have the genetics(I’m cursed!) but I am living here. I can’t just order a plate of food like in the US so it somewhat feels normal. Here, the meal is served in bowls and put int he middel. YOu have your bowl of rice and everyomne just grabs a bite here and a bite there of whatever you want to eat. Pretty much cummunial meals. So, I can’t just share with them, I can’t order a plate of whatever because they have to add oil and salt so I just sometimes feel left out. PLus, I want that meat soup so bad, sigh! But it will be worth it. Just not sure how to deal with it for life though

Well, still doing well and keeping my temptations under tight control. When I lax off, that is when I fall. Today is really rough. ONe of the reasons were because it was Saturday. For whatever reason, when my routine goes off, I can’t keep on plan  as much. Home, nobody to see what I eat (kids don’t count) and so on. Then my daughter has ballet rehersal today and I was not too happy with allt he stuff that was going on. Then she wants us to do this and do that just when I thought I had all I needed and today is a miserable day with rain, cold and so on. IT all plays into wanting to go off. Thinking that eating that food will give me a warm feeling,  Make me feel better and so on. But why is it when I am caught in the throes of cravings, I don’t remember that it makes me feel horrible, stomach feels too full and I feel trrible guilt. Strange how emotions turn us to food.

But I knew that temptation would happen and very much happen today so I kept strong. I got my attention on other things and also thought about how I would lose all that I have gained (ok, strange to say that here but true) so now I am feeling stronger and better. So, day six is almost done and I will be a weekd one by tomorrow, yeah!

I have to laugh somewhat at everyone talking about the old Rachel being back but you know what, it is true. I took less then a year and lost over 100 pounds without looking back. Then due to some things, I lost control in November and put on 30 or so pounds in just a few months. I was thinking about my feelings. When I am out of control of myself, I really do feel out of control, my whole life feels like it is in pieces. I can’t even blog analogies or anything like that but once I get my life back on track, things fall back to where they should be. I can’t say it is the easiest thing to do, goodness, who says that life is easy. Even Jesus had a bad time being human. What makes us think we will not? I have to deal with temptations every day. Goodness, I can tell you about each one at this time. But I am getting better at resisting because I know if I fall one time, it will be so much harder to get back on. Even my husband is getting back his hope again. I know he was so scared that I was going to put it all back on and yes, the fear was actually grounded. But now he sees me getting myself back together and he has hope again that I can keep doing it and keep the flow going. I want to . I hate the way I feel right now. When I look at my body, I cringe at the way it looks, when I put clothes on, I don’t feel really great about them. I want that, I look good” feeling back again and I am going to get it!

I am still running with the vampires so don’t forget that one. Edward never did bite Belle, he retain his strength throughout the whole time. It really is aobut decided it and that is it, no indecision, no backing out. I use to think that when I was tempted, that was me not decided but it isn’t. Although the Cullens made the choice to not eat people, they still were tempted. I will stell be tempted but I still make the right choices.