From Cocoon to butterfly

Things are still going well for me. I can’t say that there haven’t been near misses but all in all, I am making it, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. It is not always the easiest but I am trying. One reason I am on now is that I am hungry and wanting to snack but I am waiting till I have more control and then will eat some supper. One way to get control is by blogging my feelings. Lately I have been trying to figure out what brings on this and what are the triggers. I know one thng is that sometimes I am hungry and I take a bite out of something. Then I hit that cycle of , ok, already fell off, might as well go all the way and that is what I do. Or, just want to eat something. sometimes it is so hard to not have whatever you want or can think of. It feels like I have to be totally on guard for whatever I put in my mouth. Now, some of you might say that I should allow myself to have a little something something but what I haven’t discovered is control. For instance, I buy two boxes of snack cakes, each box has six in it. I say I will eat just one but I end up eating all six in one box and then that night finishes off the other six in the other box. I have no control and I know this and that is why. But it isn’t that I want all bad things, it isn’t that. I just love the feeling of freedom to have anything and everything without thinking but the main problem is , no thinking. And that leads to gains and me getting bigger and bigger.  Thus, I am ttrying to figure out how to handle myself. How to stop the cycle of eating too much. If I could just eat one and thens top with that without sinking into an all out binge, I would do so but I can’t. I have tried and have yet to master even the basics of not doing thtat.

So, anyway, back to my subject of accountablity. My husband has become my accountability partner. He doens’[t know he is that but let me explain. He came up with this idea on his own an dpresented it to me. He has been worried about the weight I have gained and that I may keep gaining (a valid fear also for me) so he told me that for every day I am pop, he will give me money. The longer consecitive days I am on plan, the more money he gives me but if I fail, I have to pay him a certain amount. He thinks that it is the money that is motivating me to stay on plan but that really isn’t it. What is the reason is that he is holding me accountable. Every day I have to write whether I was off plan(o) or on plan (p) for the day. Every night he looks to see so he is making me accountable. Money is nothing for me although yes, getting some clothes will be nice but the thing that get s me is I have to show what I have done. Usually I can secretly eat and man, I am a great sneak thief but now I have to own up to my behavior and it has been good for me. I am still very careful in what I do though because I know myself but I am trying.