From Cocoon to butterfly

I have been trying to do a lot of thinking, that is at least one thing I am good at! I have been berating myself of why I can’t keep on plan, why I seem to fall every time I hit the afternoon and such. I have realized a bit of it could be my inner child, she is throwing a royal temper tamtrum. My personality has a bit of rebellion in it. Ok, a lot. I struggle with it constantly to prevent it from destroying me. I use to fight with my mother all the time and as a result of my stubborness and rebellion, we lived to fight all the time. Fact is, to this day, I have to always temper my words and think carefully on what I say to prevent fighting. I am not a bad person, just being real to myself. So, how does this have to deal with my weight?

I have been trying all kinds of ways to keep myself on track. I realized today most of them are negative. Like, if I do this, then I will do this to myself. Or maybe, if I can make it today, I will reward myself this but in the end, I fall and then I feel I am bad; Most everything I am doing results in punishing myself. I am always berating myself over doing this or that and how terrible I am. I make myself look at my body int he mirror and fuss at myself for letting the fat creep back. And my inner child is being a brat. If I am bad, I might as well go all th e way. You can’t make me do this or that.  If you punish me, then I will punish you.

I am still not so clear in this but a little bit of light is glimmering through the dark veil. I have to stop the negativity because it is breeding more negativity in me. Instead of thinking about hwo I will punish myself or showing myself clothes to make me feel bad, I have to start thinking of good things, about how I want them to fit, about how I will feel when I am on plan. Like I said, still struggling with how to do it but I am trying to apply it to myself now. Trying to use positive language. I can do this. I feel better, I look better. Anyway, I am making it today. I can change my inner child somewhat but I have to find a way to avoid the tamtrum.