From Cocoon to butterfly

Ok body, enough is enough! I am sick of being out of control. I feel my confidence slipping daily, hourly, every second. Why am I letting myself do this. Nobody is forcing me to put the junk in my mouth and eat it. Only me, myself and I. Those are the ones to blame. My life is going well, life is not to blame. Only me. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I see everything starting to thicken up a lot. I have gained 30 pounds going from 135 to 167! What have I done, what am I doing??? Everything in my body is getting fatter. I use to have such a tiny waist and now I am losing it, lost it. I can see my butt expanding again and my nightgowns are starting to get that lift in the back again. What am I doign? Why am I doing this!

I have worked too hard to gain all of this back and that is what scares me to dealth. I can remember losing three times and then seeing myself gain it back and not stopping till I was up to 250 or more. I don’t want that to happen again. Why, when I eat right, I feel good. I am happy most of the time, my clothes fit, I look in the mirror and like it, I can go out and shop! Right now, I probably could not fit in the clothes anymore. At 135, I could just start buying underwear here and now I can’t !!! All the clothes I bought in America last month are not going to fit. 1/2 of my clothes for winter don’t fit now. That tells me how much I have gained. I see my stomach enlarging and my clothes look bad on me now. Nobody but hubby knows really because we are still wearing thick coats so it hides but I can feel it and worse, I know!   Have I not learned anything from losing all that weight? Why is it just so hideously easy to go back to binge eating? How can I make my plan, my lifestyle?  It would not be so bad if I could just stop at one thing but I have to stuff things in and can’t stop. It is terrible how I am letting myself go and there is no excuse for what I am doing. I see my face getting fuller, my chest getting bigger but that flab bigger. WHAT AM I DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

Now is the time to stop it, time to change. To continue the path to destruction will not lead to anything but bad things. Do I really wnat to go back to that? Go back to the huge clothes that always look bad no matter what I do with them? Do I want to go back to where everyone is pointing and talking about the huge fat lady, where my husband doesn’t find me that attractive anymore, where my kids are ashamed of me because of being so fat, where I can’t do so much because I am so big, where I can’t buy clothes anymore and have to wait till I can get to america to shop for fat clothes.
I have to change, I have to get on the plan and stay on it no matter what. When I want to eat, I need to write and keep away, I need to exercise. Remember Rachel, Remember when you were in Lane Bryant and trying on clothes and when you looked in the mirror and it looked horrible! No matter what you put on, it all looked terrible on you or should I say, you looked terrible in everything?
Now, remember in Jan. going to america and going to regular stores, did n’t it feel good? They did not look at you like you were a leper, they actually greeted you and when you choose something, you could actually fit in it. Remember going to Victoria Secret’s and you could wear anything in there and look good? Remember going to the store and trying on smalls and it looked good. Don’t you want to go back to that. Don’t you want to lose more weight so you can even go smaller? Be more attractive, wear the ligerie that you bought so you can look sexy. Now, I feel like a whale when I try to be sexy. I have two outfits I never have wore because of my weight.

Enough! The food stops here! I did this before and I can do it again. The damage is bad but it can be fixed if I stop now! If I continue this I will get higher and higher and lose everyting I worked so hard for. Enough! Enoguh feeling terrible about myself, enough taking my agony out on my husband, enough feeling like my butt is a wide load, enough not fitting in my clothes, enough with not having the control and eating four pieces of bread and all the other things, enough going to bed early because I am so lethargic from eating so much sugar and carbs, enough feeling fear at getting on the scale. Enough is enough. Time to stop what I am doing and back away and do this again. I need to write more and blog more instead of hiding away.

What to do? When the time works out, I am going to go to the fitness center for my exercise class with Li 老师, It is slowly warming up so I can’t use the excuse of it being too cold to go. BY going, I get my exercise and I am out of the house. When I am at home, I will do my exercise video. It keeps my hands and mouth busy besides stuffing it. When I am at the school, I am going back to studying my chinese writing again. Yes, my oral is ok but I want it better, I want to write more and I need more vocabulary. Besides, writing and studying gets my mind off of the food int he teacher’s office.  I am not going to weigh eveery day. I am going back to weighing every week, once a week. I think it is better that way so I don’t drive myself crazy.  I will carry a notebook with me so when I start feeling urges, I can write in it about how I feel and what I am doing about it.   When I get my eating together and my weight, my life seems much easier to deal with. Yes, always troubles but when I am in control, things seem better. I can do this. Enough! The buck stops here, the weight gain stops here, the out of control eating stops here, the shame stops here!