From Cocoon to butterfly

The week was an almost success but in way, a total success. I was able to make it five days before I fell. I did not realize at the time why I fell because I thought it was just me but looking back, I realized it was because there were emotions I did not know how to deal with. You see, there is a Canadian woman here that married a chinese man and their marriage was way too quick and the results are not good. I am still trying to figure her out but in time, I will post about her, perhaps it can help me find a way to help her. But the trouble is that I don’t feel she cares about being helped, her marriage or anything. She is miserable but blaming her husband for it when she needs to look at herself. Anyway, all in all it disturbs me because I want to help so much. When she left Sat. I just wanted to snack on ick so bad. I did not realize it was because of the emoitons she stirred in me, the hopelessness of watching her life spiral out of controla nd can’t help her if she will not help herself. So, I caved and ate and yes, ate too much although I did realize that after just one piece of ick, I was fine but I continued eating.

The success was that they next day I got right back on plan. Usually I try and fail miserable the next day and then the next and so on. But I did it. Today is day 3 so getting there once again. DId my weigh in today and …. lost 10 pounds !! Yeah! Got my 100 avi back but I also a bothered that I could have done better if I hadn’t fell Sat. but hey, I am still estatic over losing 10 poiunds and have the initive to go on and further. Going down!

So far so good. I have actually beena ble to make it four days! Day four is usually my day to fall down but this time I made it through it and even beat the bread monster! In some ways , it has been easy but in some ways, so very hard. But taking it one day at a time

What is new, me, nope? Stil struggling  but now I am going to do like the song says, I am going to make sure everything is connected. No bone can work without being connected to the rest of our bodies and I am going to view my days as that also.  I can’t work one day and then disconnect the rest of the days, my whole plan falls flat just like our bodies would if we did not have all our bones connected. I can’t continue to lose weight doin one day on and three days off, I am gaining it more then anything. I just thank God for the intermediate days I do get because they have kept me in the 160s but I am not happy with it at all. So, I am taking this approach, ok, I have one day now to connect it to another day. In time, I can get the whole structure connected again and have confidence moving as a whole again. Right now I do feel like a boneless mess but I have a finger bone of one day and now I need to connect it to a knuckle.

Well, after doing a lot of inner thinking about why I do the way I do, I came down to the simple sentence, I want to lose weight. OK, sounds way to simple but it worked. It was like the switch I have been looking for alll this time. For months now I have been saying, if I do this, then this will happen and when this happens, I am this. Always negative and always for something. I finally just said, you know what, I just want to lose wieght. And it was like a light just went off in the blackness of dieting. Really strange but it worked and that is all that matters. I am not going to count the days I keep on plan, I am just going to take it day by day, that is all.

I have been doing well on keeping my exercise up and I was on the treadmill yesterday btw classes and I thought, I wonder if I could run. So, I upped the speed on the machine and started running. I have never been able to run or anything like that but you know what, I was running! And if you could have seen me, I had a maniac grin on my face. I was so proud of myself! Although the time wasn’t that long, only about two minutes, it was still 2 min. of staright running and it was so cool. Now, I have a new goal. I want to get to four min. of running and then grad. extend it. Who would of thought, me, running!!

I have been trying to do a lot of thinking, that is at least one thing I am good at! I have been berating myself of why I can’t keep on plan, why I seem to fall every time I hit the afternoon and such. I have realized a bit of it could be my inner child, she is throwing a royal temper tamtrum. My personality has a bit of rebellion in it. Ok, a lot. I struggle with it constantly to prevent it from destroying me. I use to fight with my mother all the time and as a result of my stubborness and rebellion, we lived to fight all the time. Fact is, to this day, I have to always temper my words and think carefully on what I say to prevent fighting. I am not a bad person, just being real to myself. So, how does this have to deal with my weight?

I have been trying all kinds of ways to keep myself on track. I realized today most of them are negative. Like, if I do this, then I will do this to myself. Or maybe, if I can make it today, I will reward myself this but in the end, I fall and then I feel I am bad; Most everything I am doing results in punishing myself. I am always berating myself over doing this or that and how terrible I am. I make myself look at my body int he mirror and fuss at myself for letting the fat creep back. And my inner child is being a brat. If I am bad, I might as well go all th e way. You can’t make me do this or that.  If you punish me, then I will punish you.

I am still not so clear in this but a little bit of light is glimmering through the dark veil. I have to stop the negativity because it is breeding more negativity in me. Instead of thinking about hwo I will punish myself or showing myself clothes to make me feel bad, I have to start thinking of good things, about how I want them to fit, about how I will feel when I am on plan. Like I said, still struggling with how to do it but I am trying to apply it to myself now. Trying to use positive language. I can do this. I feel better, I look better. Anyway, I am making it today. I can change my inner child somewhat but I have to find a way to avoid the tamtrum.

First of all, I want to thank all the buddies who commented on my blog. It meant so much to me to know you care about what is going on in my life. I appreciate you so muhc and want to say thanks for lending me a hand! I am feeling better and stronger. Yesterday I did pretty good till after supper. While I was in the teacher’s office waiting for my kids to get out ( I teach at the same school they go too) I started working on my characters and before I knew it, time flew by and no problems were to be had in wanting whatever. I will do the same thing today because they have new junk in there. Iw ish Ic ould get by with not seeing it but that is where the water is so I have to go in there, just have to steel my resolve. But I have the solution to the afternoon snacking. NOw, needing a solution for after supper problem. Especially when I am taking care of Rebecca which means I can’t do to much to keep busy because she keeps me busy with her pitter patter everywhere. I did bad last night but  not terrible so it is a start. Tonight, father in law should be here to help with the baby so that will give me a bit of free time when he takes her with him for a walk to talk to his friends. I am thinking that I should just do the exercise video every night. Not that I just love exercise, I like it but nothing strong as love yet) but it keeps me busy and once I finish, I have no thought about eating. I guess that really is the best th ing to do so far, that and to write and journal.

So, today I am going to do it , be strong!

Ok body, enough is enough! I am sick of being out of control. I feel my confidence slipping daily, hourly, every second. Why am I letting myself do this. Nobody is forcing me to put the junk in my mouth and eat it. Only me, myself and I. Those are the ones to blame. My life is going well, life is not to blame. Only me. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I see everything starting to thicken up a lot. I have gained 30 pounds going from 135 to 167! What have I done, what am I doing??? Everything in my body is getting fatter. I use to have such a tiny waist and now I am losing it, lost it. I can see my butt expanding again and my nightgowns are starting to get that lift in the back again. What am I doign? Why am I doing this!

I have worked too hard to gain all of this back and that is what scares me to dealth. I can remember losing three times and then seeing myself gain it back and not stopping till I was up to 250 or more. I don’t want that to happen again. Why, when I eat right, I feel good. I am happy most of the time, my clothes fit, I look in the mirror and like it, I can go out and shop! Right now, I probably could not fit in the clothes anymore. At 135, I could just start buying underwear here and now I can’t !!! All the clothes I bought in America last month are not going to fit. 1/2 of my clothes for winter don’t fit now. That tells me how much I have gained. I see my stomach enlarging and my clothes look bad on me now. Nobody but hubby knows really because we are still wearing thick coats so it hides but I can feel it and worse, I know!   Have I not learned anything from losing all that weight? Why is it just so hideously easy to go back to binge eating? How can I make my plan, my lifestyle?  It would not be so bad if I could just stop at one thing but I have to stuff things in and can’t stop. It is terrible how I am letting myself go and there is no excuse for what I am doing. I see my face getting fuller, my chest getting bigger but that flab bigger. WHAT AM I DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

Now is the time to stop it, time to change. To continue the path to destruction will not lead to anything but bad things. Do I really wnat to go back to that? Go back to the huge clothes that always look bad no matter what I do with them? Do I want to go back to where everyone is pointing and talking about the huge fat lady, where my husband doesn’t find me that attractive anymore, where my kids are ashamed of me because of being so fat, where I can’t do so much because I am so big, where I can’t buy clothes anymore and have to wait till I can get to america to shop for fat clothes.
I have to change, I have to get on the plan and stay on it no matter what. When I want to eat, I need to write and keep away, I need to exercise. Remember Rachel, Remember when you were in Lane Bryant and trying on clothes and when you looked in the mirror and it looked horrible! No matter what you put on, it all looked terrible on you or should I say, you looked terrible in everything?
Now, remember in Jan. going to america and going to regular stores, did n’t it feel good? They did not look at you like you were a leper, they actually greeted you and when you choose something, you could actually fit in it. Remember going to Victoria Secret’s and you could wear anything in there and look good? Remember going to the store and trying on smalls and it looked good. Don’t you want to go back to that. Don’t you want to lose more weight so you can even go smaller? Be more attractive, wear the ligerie that you bought so you can look sexy. Now, I feel like a whale when I try to be sexy. I have two outfits I never have wore because of my weight.

Enough! The food stops here! I did this before and I can do it again. The damage is bad but it can be fixed if I stop now! If I continue this I will get higher and higher and lose everyting I worked so hard for. Enough! Enoguh feeling terrible about myself, enough taking my agony out on my husband, enough feeling like my butt is a wide load, enough not fitting in my clothes, enough with not having the control and eating four pieces of bread and all the other things, enough going to bed early because I am so lethargic from eating so much sugar and carbs, enough feeling fear at getting on the scale. Enough is enough. Time to stop what I am doing and back away and do this again. I need to write more and blog more instead of hiding away.

What to do? When the time works out, I am going to go to the fitness center for my exercise class with Li 老师, It is slowly warming up so I can’t use the excuse of it being too cold to go. BY going, I get my exercise and I am out of the house. When I am at home, I will do my exercise video. It keeps my hands and mouth busy besides stuffing it. When I am at the school, I am going back to studying my chinese writing again. Yes, my oral is ok but I want it better, I want to write more and I need more vocabulary. Besides, writing and studying gets my mind off of the food int he teacher’s office.  I am not going to weigh eveery day. I am going back to weighing every week, once a week. I think it is better that way so I don’t drive myself crazy.  I will carry a notebook with me so when I start feeling urges, I can write in it about how I feel and what I am doing about it.   When I get my eating together and my weight, my life seems much easier to deal with. Yes, always troubles but when I am in control, things seem better. I can do this. Enough! The buck stops here, the weight gain stops here, the out of control eating stops here, the shame stops here!