From Cocoon to butterfly

Thank you guys for all your comment.s I just love being able to get on here and read about you and also thank you so much for your support and caring. Means the world to me!!

I am feeling a lot better then I was before. I got back on plan yesterday and made it allt he way through the day! yeah! That makes me feel so much better and I really do feel better anyways.  I did not get on the scales yesterday after that flub but I did get on it this morning and dropped more weight! Yeah, down to 153 now so hoping by Monday I will be in the 140s and then downward. I want this to continue and seriously get to my goal. But now I am alsso serious about getting my exercise in. NOt just exercising to get the fat off but for some toning also. It is so funny how my whole attitude toward exercise has changed. When I was bigger I HATED exercise with a passion. Hate hate hate and that is lightly saying how much I hate exercise heheh. But I see my attitude is changing and that is so crazy for me. I remember reading Nancy’s blog about how much exercise she is doing and how she says she loves it and I remember thinking, hmm, something a little off with her (just jk Nancy!) But I seriously did not understand these people saying they enjoyed jumping around, having their fat hang out and so on. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT

I am starting to feel it now. I actually enjoy getting on the treadmill now and I am pushing myself to do more time and also slowly getting the speed up more and more. I also finally got some exercise in last night. I put in the “30 day shed” by Jullian , the trainer from biggest loser. O’my, wow, level one was kicking my butt but you know what the strangest thing was, I loved it! It was fun and I like how she pushes you/me. I sweated and yes, had to stop in intervals but I enjoyed it and loved the challange. I even did a bit of pilates but had to stop early because my daughter was hogging the mat and I did not have the space to do it. But I really did enjoy myself. I can see myself doing more in time and geting better.

Wow, seriously, aliens have abducted me and did a mindchange , had too LOL

Well, I did really well on plan till after supper. Dog, why do I do that to myself. I was fine but those stupid cookies I bought for the kids were just there. I wasn’t hungry and knew I wasn’t hungry but I still caved in. From now on, I am only going to buy  a single serving to give the kids right away and keep it out of my sneaky hands. But today is a new day and I am starting it over again. I am going to get this right. I kept drinking tea last night to help myself but it did not even seem to phase it so I think I should stick to strong coffee, that usually does help me a lot.

I was looking in the mirror at myself today and was not happy with what I see. I really need to get my butt in there and see yself when I get those cravings. I have put on too much weight and it is showing, really showing on me. What is wrong with me that I keep doing it despite what I know! grr.  So, I am writing a list comparing one to the other

How I feel when on plan: I have a lot more energy, when night comes, I am tired but a good tired from good eating and exercise. I feel in control because I know waht I am eating and I can control what I am eating. I feel great about myself and my health, I look in the mirror and like who I see and who I am becoming. I dress my age and a bit younger and it looks good, my husband thinks I am sexier, I feel sexier and believe him when he says I am pretty, I dress up and actually feel dressed up, I feel lighter and can do more exercises without getting out of breath, I can sit down without the skin btw the breasts and stomach rising up to meet me. I can wear all my clothes

How I feel when Off plan: I have less patience, I have sugar crashes and at night just feel so lethargic from all that I ate, I feel like a fat whale, I hate what I see in the mirror, my thighs, butt and waist have expanded like a balloon, I can’t fit in all my clothes and the ones I can fit in are getting tighter, I am dressing in dark colors again and dressing like an old lady, I feel terrible, I feel out of control, The fear is overwhelming, the fear of getting really fat again, the fear of everyone seeing me balloon out again, the fear of them pointing at the really fat lady, the fear that I will have to get my fat clothes out again that I can’t seem to throw out because of the fear, Hating what I look like and not dressing nice because it seems nothing looks nice on me.

so, weighing on on both sides, I know which side is better. Next time I want to eat, I need to come on here and just blog. Helped me before and can help me again. I am ready to face the scale without fear, and get this fat off!!

Thank you buddies, for all your kind comments. It makes me feel great to know you missed me and I sure missed finding out about you guys. Things are going much better for me now. I do have my enthusiasm back for losing weight but sadly, it fled Friday, in the presense of chocolate int he teacher’s office. :(  But today is a new day and I promised myself there will be no more starting tomorrow. Today is the day that I will not fall, I will succeed.
I do feel so clearly that the rain is gone. I felt such depression in Oct and November and then gave into it in December resulting in gaining weight. But now, things seem so much better. I went to the doctor in America and she helped me as much as she could. She could not do as much as she wanted to because she could not do any kind of follow up with me but she told me the feelings I had were most likely a vitamen defincency. She told me to take b6 and calcium before my cycle and that should help. I do think it has helped because once I arrived in the US, my parents already had me on a vitamen regument and when I had my cycle, I did not have any mood swings or anything so I think that was the reason. I am continueing my vitamens while here and shall see how I react with my cycle coming quickly close again. Usually, the mood swings hit the week before but thus far, no mood swings so I think that was the problem. I also know that just having that time to relax and just take care of me really did help. Before I left, all sexual desire had deserted me. But now , I am fine. My husband is very relieved to say the least. He is worried about the weight gain but hasn’t said anything but I know him and can interpret things without him saying anything. He is not the only one. Goodness, I am worried myself. I don’t want to “outgrow” my clothes so I have got to get a handle on things and quickly!

But overall, my life is going so much better. My school treats me well and hasn’t done anything bad as of yet (sorry, have trouble trusting)  Classes are good and I am enjoying them much better now that I don’t have a full time job on top of teaching the primary. My son is now going to the same school as my daughter and I can see it is helping him (although he feels it is more work because the teacher’s push him) so it is much easier to keep any eye of both of them and so mcuh easier to pick them up after class. My husband is treating me really well especially with me being gone almost a month. He even rremember Valentine’s day without anyone reminding him and usually I only get one rose but this time he got me a dozen. Even wanted to take me on a trip for it but I was traveled out so I declined. My trip tot he Us was really nice and I got along with my mother really well. I admit it though, I did tilt the balance in favor of me by giving them money for feeding me, buying things for my mother and cooking/cleaning and mos tof all, not disagreeing with her. Worked out well. I think I found out what one of the problems are. They think I have lots of money. Why? Bec ause when I go back to visit, I have all this cash and I buy a lot of things to take back. What they don’t think is how many part time jobs I have to save this up, that 7 RMB is 1 dollar so I have to save seven times as much and that when anyone goes on vacation, they always have extra money to spend at their destination. But that is my parents, they are only looking at what I spend. So, when I don’t give them money or things, they think I am being selfish or whatever (these are just my deductions) All the money I bring is my savings but I have lots of bills just like them to pay. But I think this is one of the problems so I guess to head that one off I need to help out with the food buying and so on but it means a heavier burden on me to be able to do it. 

Is it worth it, maybe maybe not. They like me now but in a few months, who knows. That is life

But, I am feeling so much better, like the old me is back and that is nice. Now, have to get the fat off so everyone can see! hehe. Especially before spring gets here.

Wow, can’t beleive I haven’t been on here for about a month. My vacation went really well, better then I expected really. So many things but don’t know where to start. When I first started out, I was about ready to turn around and go back, missing my kids so so bad. I continued to miss them but it got better as time went but was ever so happy to get back to them though. I had great fun with shopping, more then great fun, tremendous. Usually I always have the kids with me so I never get a chance to do some real heavy shopping nor hit a bookstore. Well, this time I ccould do so much and I sure did. My husabnd told me to spend all the money and I have to listen to him, right? LOL. I went to some clothing stores and wow, the feeling to be able to walk into “normal” stores and be able to wear anything there! I just was in heaven, really!       I went into the mall with my aunt and we stopped in every store and I could try on things , which I did, and just have a great time fitting into clothes. What was even more baffling, there were times I could not wear a certain style and it was because it was too big, what a feeling. But on the last day before I left, I went with my mother shopping for some spring clothes and she was handing me some size eights ( I want to get to a 6 or lower) and it struck me what that funny feeling I had when I was trying them on. I kept feeling that anytime now, the store clerks were going to look at me funny and ask why I had a size 8 or 10 on the hanger and I should go back and get a bigger size because ythey would never fit me. That is how I felt really! That any minute, they would bust through the door and tell me they did not carry m y size and would I please leave. It was such a strange feeling and I had it the entire time I was on my trip. Guess it will take time to get use to things I suppose. I did buy some smaller sizes for myself because I want to get down smaller and still have a ways to go. I can’t wait to get into some of my clothes! I bought a beautiful white coat but since gaining a bit of weight on the trip, have to get that off and then I can wear that and feel good.  I also hit lots of other stores while I was there. I shipped home five boxes if that tells you anything, oh , it was just so much fun! I bought lots of spices to use in cooking so I could make things taste good but still be good for me. I also bought lots of books, oh, I just LOOOOOVE my books and Igot a lot of them for me and for my kids.  I also bought a lot of teas,. Yes, I live in China and I still buy tea in the US, haha. The reason is over here they are pure leaves and most are pretty bitter. I can drink them and I am alright wwitht hem but when I am facing a serious craving, well, bitter just doesn’t do it. So , I bought a lot of flavored teas that are good for me and my weight loss.

About my weight, well, while on vacation, when I was good, I was very good but when I was bad, I was bad. But most of the time, I’ll admit, I did pretty good on my choices. Yes, I did make some really bad choices like the lasagne at Olive Gardens (oh man, heavenly!) but most of the time I did grilled things and salads. I did eat chicken and dumplings but ate very little of it and left a lot of my plate. I stopped when I was ready to stop. Of course, when I ate at my brother’s house, well, I enjoyed myself. But I did not go hog wild and that is a good thing. Now , I am back home and getting back into my routine and ready to get this weight off. My skirts are all getting tight and a few I can’t wear because my thighs have exploded but going to get it off again and get down to goal, that is in my sights again. Since December, when all that junk was happening, well , I ‘ve gained 27 pounds, sheesh, in just about two months. Too easy really and I feel my self confidence is slipping witht he gain and I see myself being down again because of it. I don’t want to fall into that again and I want to feel good about myself so back to it! I am ready to feel good about myself. I want to be abel to wear the clothes I bought, I want to be able to buy more clothes over here when spring and summer hits. So, I am making my mind up, no more slipping and falling. Time to get the nose to the grindstone!

I am also ready to up my exercise. Remember before I left I said I would be buying exercise DVDs, well, I did. I bought a series with pilates, dancing and walking and even Julian boot camp which will be rough so I will do that on later. But I am pleased with my choices and will get started on that tonight. I haven’t this week yet because of getting over my jet lag but I am feeling more myself again so getting ready. I will also have to start going to my exercise class again once I have everything settled.

O’yeah, you know, I HAD to go to Victoria Secret’s! To walk in and they don’t look at me funny, wow! Yes, I did buy an outfit there and I think it is really cute. But at the moment, I need to lose before getting it on. Think of a mushroom. Now, turn it upside down with the stem up and cap down. That is the way I look! Stupid thighs. First thing to blow up when I gain. But I have it hanging on my bedroom door so I have something to look forward to. But it is sgreat to be back and I am feeling that great feeling coming again. It has been a few months that I haven’t felt anything but dread toward the scale so this is a great feeling that says, I am ready to start hitting that scale again!