From Cocoon to butterfly

WEll, today is the day to get everything organized and packed up for going away. I am excited on one hand but also anxious on the other hand. Guess too many past bad experiences with my mother is stressing me a bit out but overall, in the scheme of things, I am excited! I can’t beleive that by tomorrow this time, I will be waiting for my plane and then gone…. I always love to travel and love planes. It will be  nice to actually get to enjoy the plane trip this time. usually I have to keep the kidds busy and not sleeping because of the time change and let me tell you, keeping kids busy and quiet is a full time job! I do pretty good though and usually I don’t annoy anyone on the plane with my kids and those who fly, you know how hard that is!

I am going to miss my rugrats though. My son got up this morning franic , looking for mama. He is my mama’s boy. When my husband mentioned that tomorrow I will not be there, he started getting upset and crying. Broke my heart! I really hate to leave any of my kids behind but I can’t afford to take all of them nor can I pick and chose one to take, that would not be fair. But this is a rare thing. I have never been seperated from them and don’t plan to again so this is a one time thing. We will all be going back home next year in the summer time and they will go then but this time is mainly because I worry about my mom and I want to be there for my brother (his wife had a miscarriage but had to do natural labor)  But I am excited over getting to go home. Seeing the family is one thing that is nice but you know what is the best thing, being invisible! Yep, nobody knows me, nobody points at me, nobody talks arouind me like I am not standing there listening to your conversation, nobody… you get the pic. I am normal again. Just one of the folks walking around. It is the greatest thing and I get to rrest my brain. Talking in another language is alright but sometimes it is just nice to turn off sometimes. In the US, I can go around on cruize control but over here, I have to be in  manual all the time and pay attention.

On another subject, I got on the scale today and the damage was pretty bad. That is just from a week of bad eating. I let my mother get to me too bad and ate and ate and ate. Terrible! It was a wake up call for me and I had no problem eating my on plan breakfast. Fact is, I had been thinking about what bad things to buy at the airport in Detroit. Ok, the name Mrs. Fields have any significance to you? WEll, after getting that wake up call, I am happy to be planning on getting a salad and other things. I needed to see what I was doing to myself. I am determined to get down to where I should be and then more. I also took my inches. For those who are doing the one step forward and then two back, beware of simple carbs, man , they add the inches to the body! I was horrified to see how my inches are up, 10 more from a month ago. My waist was 27 and now it is 30. Yikes. But all of this is bad/good news to me. I am using this as a trampoline to bounce out of my funk and back to normal again. I don’t like who I am right now and it is time to take back control from Mrs royal funkness. I had someone make a comment that I think is true. I am letting old memories get to me. YOu know how memories are attatched to emotional eating. I have been stressed witht he end of the school year, getting kids ready for finals (mine and my students) grading and then this junk with my mother has brought back all the old memories of bad things btw my mother and I and it has me semi dreading my trip home. So what do I do, my brain dredges up the old memories and then solves the problem in the way it always has, by eating. I have always solved it that way since I became a teenager. That is something that just hit me. When my moher and I started fighting when I was young, I could not tell her how I felt or talk it out with her because , well, she just doesn’t do that. I had all these negative feelings in me and no outlet so I found an outlet, eating.
That is what has happened to me this time. I forgot all the things  I have been learningna bout healthy eating and so on and just went into automatic eating to make me feel better. It did work for immediate gratification but afterwards, I hit rock bottom. I can’t do that. Now I have located the problem,  Ihave to figure out how to switch that off and switch something else on. I haven’t figured out how to do that but just knowing where the source is, that makes me more aware. I am feeling better and I am determined to follow the plan as best I can while flying and in the airport. Yes, a part of me is cringing at having to face my mother and wondering what she is going to do to me but I can handle this. I am an adult I do things she can only dream about so I can handle whatever she throws to me. I have other family who loves me and supports me. Even if she does get ugly about things, I can handle whatever she throws at me. If she decides to not go with me to the Renaissance Fair, well, I can go alone. I have learned how to do things alone for years so why would this be different. I can do this.

So,  tomorrow, when you are getting ready to go to work or whatever, look in the sky and remember me!

To infinity and beyond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!