From Cocoon to butterfly

I am now changing my name. Don’t call me Rachel, just call me your royal funkness. That is how I am feeling now. I thought it got straightened out in Dec. when I finally had my period and all the depression and PMS went away but it is back, feel like poltegist here! My period should not even bea rounbd till the 20th so it really is too early to be getting it yet but I have been struggling with the feelings now for this whole week. I realized it was affecting me when I was on my moped going to work and saw someone driving their moped with their child hugging them and it made me cry. Then my husband has been hugging and kissing me and I pushed him away. I don’t want him to hug or kiss me. If he just left me alone I would be happy and I go to bed early to avoid sex because that man would have it every day if he could. This is not me. I like being cuddled, I like kisses, I like sex but now. I hate everything. I don’t want to be touched or messed with. Even my own children, I don’t really want to hug them. What is wrong with me. Even right now typing this I want to sit and cry.  I hate I am this way and I  know my husband hates this but he hasn’t said anything to me but I know he has it locked away in his brain and is not happy about this. I just wnat to be back to normal again. And it is killing my self control to say on the plan. It was so easy to stick to the plan before but right now, I just can’t. I will be so happy to see the doc in the US and I pray he can find the problem because they don’t reallyc are so much here. Here, she just laughs at me (the doc) but it is a problem and getting to be a bigger one the more time that passes

I am also upset about my mother. I was on the computer with her chatting and she just somehow knows what buttons to push. I always try for her approval and try to be the person she would be happy with but it never works. I will always be the disappointement to her. I can never be perfect like my sister! It isn’t so much what she says but what she doesn’t say. You know those kind of people? Last time I went home with my kids and I found out a lot of things she thought about me (I broke into her email with my sister) and they were not kind thoughts althought o my face she was. Well, I was thinking perhaps I could make up for some tihings and really help her out this time around when I go home. You see, I could never really help out much with cooking, cleaning and all that before because when you have three kids and one is a baby, you can’t do that much bedcause you are pretty busy. Before that, my other daughter was the baby and before that my son was little so In ever had a chance to just relax and not be a harried mother. So, I thought this time I will be going back by myself and I want to help her with the cleaning and gardening and all that, trully. Guess I am still trying to be a good daughter. Well, I told her I would be helping her out with that and there was quiet on the line. And when my mother gets quiet that is NOT a good thing. SHe just then smiled and said to not worry about that and just to go and visit my friends and relatives because I was on vacation. Well, this sounds good but it is not what she really means. I know my mother and I know she did not really mean that. What she meant was that she did not beleive I would do that and perhaps would never do that (keep in mind I did everyting including raise my sister when I lived there) and that I always put my friends first before anyone else. There was a lot more she meant that I will not waste my time to type. It made me made because I really do want to help her and I don’t spend a lot of time with friends and family> Most of them don’t live around there and I spend the bulk of my time with my mom. I thought I was doing a good thing but I guess not huh? PLus, I told her about me going for the weekend to visit with a friend I hadn’t seen in over 12 years and I could tell by how she reacted that she did not like that. I mean, I am spending 90% of my time with her and most of the time she complains just about that but it is like she wnats 100% of my time yets hates it if I do. I just can’t win.  I told her to not worry about how to take me to the airport because I could have my brother to help me on that (my other family are great, just my mom who thens turns my dad on me) I know she is going to make me pay for it somehow and no money> I want to go tot he midevil fair but I have a feeling she is going to say she will not go because of me going with my friend the next week. I guess I will go alone if that. Then I told her that I would have to have someone to pick me up from the airport when I get back and her answer, just rent a car . Now keep in mind, yes, I have a job but I just flew 1000s of miles to see you, I have three young children I am supporting, a mortgage like anyone else and I make lot less money then other people bcause 1 yuan of my money is 7 dollars of US money. PLus, schooling costs money here so with two in school, I am paying for that! Ok, money aside, she says I could rent a car since I can use it for when I am leaving. Ok, that threw me, what do you mean mom. She meant that I could rent a car to drive home on the 1st and then drive myself back to the airport for when I am leaving to go back home on the 7th. What parent doens’t want to send their child off when they only visit every 2 or more years! She just wants to say bye and that is it. Then I remembered, last time I was going home, she and my father were angry about something and acted like I was the plague and jsut about threw us out of the house while we were leaving. Driving me to the airport, they had such an injured air about them. I thought it was just me but my sil noticed it also. Drop me off and then really quick, leave. Thank God my brother was there to talk with me a bit and such. Yes, I could do this, I could rent a car and such but just the thought of her doing htat kinda made me angry. I thought I could use this trip to really make up the distance btw us but I guess not. But I am still going to try anyway. I will get up and try and cook, clean and so on and maybe itwill help. I do want to help especially since I am staying in their house and such but I wonder what she will be really thinking. What will she be telling my perfect sister since I know nothing I do is enough.

All I can do is try, right? Try and look forward to my trip. Get with my family and just enjoy myself. Keep my mouth shut and don’t disagree with things and most importatn, get to the doctor!