From Cocoon to butterfly

WEll, today is the day to get everything organized and packed up for going away. I am excited on one hand but also anxious on the other hand. Guess too many past bad experiences with my mother is stressing me a bit out but overall, in the scheme of things, I am excited! I can’t beleive that by tomorrow this time, I will be waiting for my plane and then gone…. I always love to travel and love planes. It will be  nice to actually get to enjoy the plane trip this time. usually I have to keep the kidds busy and not sleeping because of the time change and let me tell you, keeping kids busy and quiet is a full time job! I do pretty good though and usually I don’t annoy anyone on the plane with my kids and those who fly, you know how hard that is!

I am going to miss my rugrats though. My son got up this morning franic , looking for mama. He is my mama’s boy. When my husband mentioned that tomorrow I will not be there, he started getting upset and crying. Broke my heart! I really hate to leave any of my kids behind but I can’t afford to take all of them nor can I pick and chose one to take, that would not be fair. But this is a rare thing. I have never been seperated from them and don’t plan to again so this is a one time thing. We will all be going back home next year in the summer time and they will go then but this time is mainly because I worry about my mom and I want to be there for my brother (his wife had a miscarriage but had to do natural labor)  But I am excited over getting to go home. Seeing the family is one thing that is nice but you know what is the best thing, being invisible! Yep, nobody knows me, nobody points at me, nobody talks arouind me like I am not standing there listening to your conversation, nobody… you get the pic. I am normal again. Just one of the folks walking around. It is the greatest thing and I get to rrest my brain. Talking in another language is alright but sometimes it is just nice to turn off sometimes. In the US, I can go around on cruize control but over here, I have to be in  manual all the time and pay attention.

On another subject, I got on the scale today and the damage was pretty bad. That is just from a week of bad eating. I let my mother get to me too bad and ate and ate and ate. Terrible! It was a wake up call for me and I had no problem eating my on plan breakfast. Fact is, I had been thinking about what bad things to buy at the airport in Detroit. Ok, the name Mrs. Fields have any significance to you? WEll, after getting that wake up call, I am happy to be planning on getting a salad and other things. I needed to see what I was doing to myself. I am determined to get down to where I should be and then more. I also took my inches. For those who are doing the one step forward and then two back, beware of simple carbs, man , they add the inches to the body! I was horrified to see how my inches are up, 10 more from a month ago. My waist was 27 and now it is 30. Yikes. But all of this is bad/good news to me. I am using this as a trampoline to bounce out of my funk and back to normal again. I don’t like who I am right now and it is time to take back control from Mrs royal funkness. I had someone make a comment that I think is true. I am letting old memories get to me. YOu know how memories are attatched to emotional eating. I have been stressed witht he end of the school year, getting kids ready for finals (mine and my students) grading and then this junk with my mother has brought back all the old memories of bad things btw my mother and I and it has me semi dreading my trip home. So what do I do, my brain dredges up the old memories and then solves the problem in the way it always has, by eating. I have always solved it that way since I became a teenager. That is something that just hit me. When my moher and I started fighting when I was young, I could not tell her how I felt or talk it out with her because , well, she just doesn’t do that. I had all these negative feelings in me and no outlet so I found an outlet, eating.
That is what has happened to me this time. I forgot all the things  I have been learningna bout healthy eating and so on and just went into automatic eating to make me feel better. It did work for immediate gratification but afterwards, I hit rock bottom. I can’t do that. Now I have located the problem,  Ihave to figure out how to switch that off and switch something else on. I haven’t figured out how to do that but just knowing where the source is, that makes me more aware. I am feeling better and I am determined to follow the plan as best I can while flying and in the airport. Yes, a part of me is cringing at having to face my mother and wondering what she is going to do to me but I can handle this. I am an adult I do things she can only dream about so I can handle whatever she throws to me. I have other family who loves me and supports me. Even if she does get ugly about things, I can handle whatever she throws at me. If she decides to not go with me to the Renaissance Fair, well, I can go alone. I have learned how to do things alone for years so why would this be different. I can do this.

So,  tomorrow, when you are getting ready to go to work or whatever, look in the sky and remember me!

To infinity and beyond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, from eating all those lovely carbs, I can see inches being added to my body. nuts, why do I do this to myself! I am letting stress, hormones and all that mess get to me. I can get control. I think it will be mucjh easier once I get to my parents house because then I don’t have control over what gets bought and such. Or should I say, there will be no excuses for me left because I will not be buying snacks for the kids. My parents are both on plan so there is nothing to eat in the house that I should not eat. Plus, added incitive to keep on plan by being in a house full of others on plan. Don’t know for sure what to do for exercise but I will figure something out. Usually I can’t sleep so well and I get up early because of the time difference with US and CHina so I am thinking of using that time by getting on a bike and riding for a few hours because mom always sleeps late.  I have to get into a structrue and right now I don’t feel that I am in a structure and I am gooing into a tailspin because of it and I hate that. Plus, letting my mother get to me or eat at me as Nancy says about her mother.  I know I will really have to watch myself to let the stress of getting alone with my mother get to me. I know I can do this. I know I can get to goal but this is going to be a speed bump I will have to get over.
Once I get back to China, then my real structure can get going. I plan on buying some exercise dvd’s and will incorporate them into my routine. I get back on the 8th and school will start on the 10th so there is not much chance for me to go free with that nor do I want to go free. I want to start doing my ballet toning regularly and also doing treadmill every day plus squats. I have to write down and really give myself a structure. I am also buying a lot of spices and such while in the US so I have no excuse but to be ready to get on plan and get that exercise on the roll. Being in the US, I can not really et a structure down pat nor can I control what I eat that much when I am visiting around and such but I am going to try and do my best.

I do feel a bit better and not so funky. I called my brother last night to get his imput about my mother and he could not beleive some of the things she said and he siad not to worry about it and he would take care of me. He use to be my mother’s fav. till he got married and that really shook the apple tree then! heheh. But he says not to worry about getting to the airport, he would take me or get his wife so it will all work out. I don’t know why I let her get under my skin that way because she treats everybody this way. NOne of the family likes her, that includes her own father so why should I think it would be any different with me.

Well, I will try and do one more post tomorrow and then get packed and ready. Hard to beleive I am going home soon.

I am now changing my name. Don’t call me Rachel, just call me your royal funkness. That is how I am feeling now. I thought it got straightened out in Dec. when I finally had my period and all the depression and PMS went away but it is back, feel like poltegist here! My period should not even bea rounbd till the 20th so it really is too early to be getting it yet but I have been struggling with the feelings now for this whole week. I realized it was affecting me when I was on my moped going to work and saw someone driving their moped with their child hugging them and it made me cry. Then my husband has been hugging and kissing me and I pushed him away. I don’t want him to hug or kiss me. If he just left me alone I would be happy and I go to bed early to avoid sex because that man would have it every day if he could. This is not me. I like being cuddled, I like kisses, I like sex but now. I hate everything. I don’t want to be touched or messed with. Even my own children, I don’t really want to hug them. What is wrong with me. Even right now typing this I want to sit and cry.  I hate I am this way and I  know my husband hates this but he hasn’t said anything to me but I know he has it locked away in his brain and is not happy about this. I just wnat to be back to normal again. And it is killing my self control to say on the plan. It was so easy to stick to the plan before but right now, I just can’t. I will be so happy to see the doc in the US and I pray he can find the problem because they don’t reallyc are so much here. Here, she just laughs at me (the doc) but it is a problem and getting to be a bigger one the more time that passes

I am also upset about my mother. I was on the computer with her chatting and she just somehow knows what buttons to push. I always try for her approval and try to be the person she would be happy with but it never works. I will always be the disappointement to her. I can never be perfect like my sister! It isn’t so much what she says but what she doesn’t say. You know those kind of people? Last time I went home with my kids and I found out a lot of things she thought about me (I broke into her email with my sister) and they were not kind thoughts althought o my face she was. Well, I was thinking perhaps I could make up for some tihings and really help her out this time around when I go home. You see, I could never really help out much with cooking, cleaning and all that before because when you have three kids and one is a baby, you can’t do that much bedcause you are pretty busy. Before that, my other daughter was the baby and before that my son was little so In ever had a chance to just relax and not be a harried mother. So, I thought this time I will be going back by myself and I want to help her with the cleaning and gardening and all that, trully. Guess I am still trying to be a good daughter. Well, I told her I would be helping her out with that and there was quiet on the line. And when my mother gets quiet that is NOT a good thing. SHe just then smiled and said to not worry about that and just to go and visit my friends and relatives because I was on vacation. Well, this sounds good but it is not what she really means. I know my mother and I know she did not really mean that. What she meant was that she did not beleive I would do that and perhaps would never do that (keep in mind I did everyting including raise my sister when I lived there) and that I always put my friends first before anyone else. There was a lot more she meant that I will not waste my time to type. It made me made because I really do want to help her and I don’t spend a lot of time with friends and family> Most of them don’t live around there and I spend the bulk of my time with my mom. I thought I was doing a good thing but I guess not huh? PLus, I told her about me going for the weekend to visit with a friend I hadn’t seen in over 12 years and I could tell by how she reacted that she did not like that. I mean, I am spending 90% of my time with her and most of the time she complains just about that but it is like she wnats 100% of my time yets hates it if I do. I just can’t win.  I told her to not worry about how to take me to the airport because I could have my brother to help me on that (my other family are great, just my mom who thens turns my dad on me) I know she is going to make me pay for it somehow and no money> I want to go tot he midevil fair but I have a feeling she is going to say she will not go because of me going with my friend the next week. I guess I will go alone if that. Then I told her that I would have to have someone to pick me up from the airport when I get back and her answer, just rent a car . Now keep in mind, yes, I have a job but I just flew 1000s of miles to see you, I have three young children I am supporting, a mortgage like anyone else and I make lot less money then other people bcause 1 yuan of my money is 7 dollars of US money. PLus, schooling costs money here so with two in school, I am paying for that! Ok, money aside, she says I could rent a car since I can use it for when I am leaving. Ok, that threw me, what do you mean mom. She meant that I could rent a car to drive home on the 1st and then drive myself back to the airport for when I am leaving to go back home on the 7th. What parent doens’t want to send their child off when they only visit every 2 or more years! She just wants to say bye and that is it. Then I remembered, last time I was going home, she and my father were angry about something and acted like I was the plague and jsut about threw us out of the house while we were leaving. Driving me to the airport, they had such an injured air about them. I thought it was just me but my sil noticed it also. Drop me off and then really quick, leave. Thank God my brother was there to talk with me a bit and such. Yes, I could do this, I could rent a car and such but just the thought of her doing htat kinda made me angry. I thought I could use this trip to really make up the distance btw us but I guess not. But I am still going to try anyway. I will get up and try and cook, clean and so on and maybe itwill help. I do want to help especially since I am staying in their house and such but I wonder what she will be really thinking. What will she be telling my perfect sister since I know nothing I do is enough.

All I can do is try, right? Try and look forward to my trip. Get with my family and just enjoy myself. Keep my mouth shut and don’t disagree with things and most importatn, get to the doctor!

I have been thinking about how to restructure my day. I am not doing it just yet because I am leaving for vacation on the 13th and my whole life will be in a uproar then but when I come back, I am thinking of restructuring my life to include exercise and such. I am doing betting on the exercise so far. When I am working, I always get at least 30 min. on the treadmill. I warm up before I get on it and I am slowly speeding it up and walking without holding the bars (thanks to Nancy and her blog so I know what to do) I have been really enjoying the exercise but I want to vamp it up a little more. What I am thinking of doing is getting up maybe 15 min. earlier and doing squats and leg lifts. I want to get up to doing 54 three times a day. Then I am planning on buying some exercise DVD’s while in the US and at night I can do those. So much of my flesh is loose and they really need to be tightened up. Especially my stomach and thighs so I want to target those. These are a few of my plans. I also want to reach my goal. I have been struggling so badly for a month and I need to get back on plan and stay there! I hate dreading the scale. I want to get on and like what I see. I want to learn how to like what I see when I look in the mirror.
i had some people tell me on another thread that I set too high goals for myself and expect perfection. It is true. I can’t look at what I have alreayd lost and be happy. I continually look to see what more I have to lose. I am hoping that when I reach goal, I can look back and then say, yes, I did good. I am afraid if I do that now, I will stop losing weight. It doesn’t help that I live in a country where I am still considered large. Not fat but compared to them, large. I just have expectations of myself that I want to make. I am about a size 8 now but I want to be lower then that. That is my dream and it is easily attanable being that I still have 20 to 30 pounds to go. I really want this and need to keep this in mind when I want to eat off plan. I can do this, I have to do this!