From Cocoon to butterfly

Thanks for all of your comments about my 100 reasons to lose weight. Did  not have ea good weekend, in fact, it was a weakend. I bought some chocolate chip cookies for the kids on Sat and guess who ate the whole bag! And it just went downhill after atht. I told myself I would go back on plan on Sunday but woke up with visions of chocolate dancing in my head. Then I went out to buy breakfast and bought enough for me to eat alos and let me tell you, most all of it was fried. Ohh, my aching tummy! By the night, I was feeling really sick. I did not eat on plan but ate rice instead. SOmetimes my food just seems so empty and I eat the rice and soup, further delaying me reaching goal, nuts. But today I am back on and strong so I will weigh myself tomrorow and see what happens. I want to get down to my orginal weight by Christmas and want to be losing again by the end of this month. Doable.

I had someone ask me where did my eating habits really orginate. To really find the problems and solve it, I have to figure out the beginning. I rightly can’t trully think of hte beginning but I can remember sneaking food somewhat. My mother always wanted us to eat healthy but would hide the sweets in her bedroom where we could not get it. I can rembmer finding things and sneaking out with it but as a child 1-8, I did not really have too much of a problem with food. Now , relationships I did. I remember not having one friend in school. I really don’t remember why and would really have to ask my family that, a good topic to remember when I go to visit next month.

Anyway, the real problem withfood really got going when we moved fromt he north to the south. From Penn. to Fla. From a big city to the countryside, from a huge farmhouse to a doublewide trailor., from a great school to hickville that was several years behind mine. I got bored and resentful at my mother. We started fighting all the time. I started reading romance novals all the time and eating  and sneaking> I can remember making a bowl of pudding and hiding it in my room to eat while reading. My weight started blooming with all this going on of course. I would get so mad at my mother bu there was no working it out with her so I would eat to feel better. I was bored so I would eat. I resented being there so I ate. That was where I Really got into the habit of eating to help my emotions. My mother made my brother and I do everyting from cleaning, cooking and taking care of the babies and I ate. I think this was where the habits really got going. My brother also ate so much but he use to do long distance running so the weight never showed on him but if I wanted soemthing to eat, I had better get what I wanted right then or there was nothing left. We started eating dessert after every dinner so I got use to eating and snacking afterwards. I wanted to lose wieght and can remember crying and praying to GOd to help me but I never knew how. In the eighth grade, my mom got me in WW. I was 190 pounds, less then 5′3. I lost pretty good on that and really enjoyed it but then I got the bright idea, hmm, if eating less makes me lose, eating nothing will really make me lose. So, I would starve myself on Tuesday till Monday evening, when I would have weigh in. Then I would binge eat that night when I got home. I don’t know how anyone did not notice what I was doing but I lost a lot and quickly got down to 138 pounds. Then , my family ran into money issues and could not afford for me to go to WW anymore. WEll, never learned how to eat correctly so my weight bloomed right back up. My mother tried everyting with us kids including chain and locking the fridge but nothing worked, only made us more sneaky. I remmber beign in home Ec class and stealing the cookies they would cook to sell. If I had to pay, I used my lunch money allt he time to buy candy and junk food from them. Thus,s tarted my life in emotional eating. That is the beginning and that is what I have to deal with to break it.

So, I have identified the beginning but what to do now? HOw to break that cycle. That, I have yet to figure out. I do know of several triggers thus far: Being alone. When I am alone, that is when I want to eat. Even when I am not hungry. I can remember my mother buying lots of Swan products, mostly ice cream. And I would eat them all up if I was alone. Even not hungry  but I just could not stop. I do the same thing now if I don’t hold myself in strict control

Another trigger is anger or anxiety. I get so upset and feel out of control and it translates into eating.

So, I know my triggers and beginnings but now, how to control it, how to minimize the damage? That, I haven’t figured out. I wish I had a therapist but not one liek that here so I have to do it myself and with God’s help. There has got to be a away and I want to find what it is because I don’t want to hit goal and still have this problem to deal with. Any ideas guys?

Top 100 reasons to lose WEIGHT:
1. To feel good about ourselves
2. To have GREAT sex! And yes, it does get better the thinner you get!
3. So we won’t think people are laughing or talking about us
4. To buy clothes in a normal store and actually get clothes with some style to them that fit correctly
5. To have more energy
6. To be able to tie your shoes/paint toenails
7. To be able to sit on a floor and get up gracefully
8. To wear a bathing suit
9. To cross your legs or sit Indian style
10. To fit into an airline/theatre/bus/whatever seat without spilling over and without having to see “that look” from the person who has to sit beside you.
11. So our ankles won’t swell
12. To fit into a booth at any restaurant
13. To not need an extension to a seat belt on an airplane and to have the tray table not balance on our bellies. I will get to have this for the first time in Sept, I cant wait!
14. To not worry about being decapitated in our cars with our seat belts on if we should be in an accident
15. To not turn beet red after moderate exertion
16. To be able to pick something up off the floor
17. Panty Hose that fit
18. To go to an amusement park and ride the rides
19. To be able to sit in any chair without worry of breakage. I have broken chairs more then I want to count!
20. To not have to apologize when caught in a narrow aisle and have someone need to get by
21. To go dancing, sky diving, bungee jumping….
22. To be able to go horseback riding or ride a bike
23. To not worry about rashes and sweating
24. To not have to listen to “caring” people ask why you don’t diet or worse still… “gee you have such a pretty face”
25. To not worry about spilling food, sauces or gravy down the front of your blouse/dress/shirt when eating
26. To not have to think up some excuse for not doing something because you know your weight will impede you
27. To not have your belly hit the steering wheel and to be able to fit comfortably in the driver’s seat
28. To have a bra fit comfortably and to be able to buy underwear at Victoria’s Secret rather than at “Tubby the Underwear Guy”
29. To not have to worry about the weight limit of step stools, ladders, motorcyles, exercise equipment, etc.
30. To not get stuck in a turnstyle
31. To not wake up feeling achey in the back..or to have ache-free legs and feet
32. So the bathroom scale won’t creak and groan when you step on it
33. To be able to leave the tablecloth on the table at a restaurant …instead of dragging it with you when you get up
34. So you won’t look the other way when you see yourself in a monitor where they have security cameras
35. To never be embarrassed about your size
36. To not count tying shoes as daily exercise
37. To not have to wait for the handicap stall when there are plenty of other stalls available
38. To not be more out of shape than seniors
39. To not break toilet seat when leaning to one side. Yep, did that three times!
40. To be able to put on wedding rings again
41. To try to make a double chin and fail!
42. Buy clothing bargains..to fit the next year and they do!
43. Not to have to worry about plastic zippers or having your pants bust open
44. Normal waistbands rather than elastic!
45. To wear knee socks correctly instead of worn like slouches!
46. To look good in a tee shirt!
47. To try on slacks or jeans and have the pant leg actually fit over leg!
48. To be able to get close to sink and not come away with a wet belly!
49. To get out of a stuffed chair GRACEFULLY and not look down to see if the chair has come up with you!
50. To not worry if the hairdresser’s smock will fit!
51. To not be self-conscious about eating in front of others!
52. To not be afraid to ask which hairstyle suits your face.
52. To not have people checking you out after looking in your grocery cart.
53. To not feel (and look) like a sausage in stirrup pants.
54. To have your friends NOT be embarrased to be seen with you.
55. To get promotions/hired or close that sale.
56. Pants that stay up because your waist is smaller than your butt!
57. No more boobs! (this is for the guys!)
58. Wearing shorts or tank tops without fear of arrest or grossing out others!
59. To not have the fear of being rejected.
60. To successfully flirt! I actually had a guy flirt with me last week and I honestly did not know what to do about it because I was so unuse to it. I will be in the US in Jan and look forward to see if any man flirts with me.
61. To not worry about how to get in and out of the back seat in a two door car!
62. One size fits all and it fits you!
63. To have a lap.
64. To not have the car you are ride in slant in your direction.
65. To be able to use toilet paper as it was meant to be used and not to have to invent ways to “get the job done”.
66. To not have to watch TV news reports on fat people in hopes that you haven’t been caught on camera!
67. To be able to get between cars in a parking lot without wiping the dust off with your belly and your butt.
68. No more heat rashes and chafing in the upper thighs.
69. So that the cloth in the thigh area doesn’t wear away long before the rest of the slacks do!
70. To meet a friend online and not be horrified to have to send a picture of yourself.
71. To not take fat references and fat jokes personally.
72. To know you can go anywhere because wherever you sit you CAN be comfortable and look at ease.
73. To shop at the mall and not have your back ache from lugging your huge butt and stomach around!
74. To be able to stand still, carrying nothing and still look poised.
75. To be able to cross your arms across your chest without them resting on your stomach!
76. To have your feet get smaller.
77. Using your mouth to taste and chew food rather than as just a route to get the food from your lips to your stomach.
78. Blood pressure returns to normal.
79. To avoid other health complications from being overweight.
80. To be able to borrow a co-worker’s jacket for an important impromptu meeting.
81. To meet someone for the first time and their eyes don’t pop out of their head with amazement…because they never knew you fat!
82. To see your reflection in a mirror or store window without turning away!
83. To wear a watch with a regular length watch band.
84. To look in the mirror when getting your hair cut without thinking you have the biggest face in the world.
85. To not mind getting your picture taken.
86. To not avoid going to the doctor because you have to get “weighed” in.
87. To wake up each morning feeling energized and ready to go.
88. To not even worry about squeezing into small spaces.
89. To not have to enter an elevator and check the weight limit.Or even worse, worry about the elevator beeping for the overweight limit, the moment you step in it. Happened to me several times. I still am frightened of it even at the weight I am now
90. To look in your closet and have problems deciding which stylish outfit to work since you have so many that look good and fit well.
91. To not have to lie perfectly still in bed at night for fear of breaking the bed! My last bed was broken in the middle!
92. To buy tie shoes instead of slip ons!
93. To be able to walk any distance without looking for a bench to sit on.
94. To look forward to shopping and just trying on clothes!
95. To be able to drive by any fast food place without salivating!
96. To be able to shop at the same store for food instead of having to remember where you shopped last night for the junk food so you can avoid that store for a few days! I use to go to a different convience store every day to buy my junk food
97. To not feel lower than low when an inncoent child remarks about your size!
98. To not constantly be thinking of where your next morsel of food is coming from.
99. To talk about maintenance when you pop into the Century Club to encourage the others on!
And the 100th reason to lose 100 pounds…..

I’M WORTH IT!

Day three is half over and I am still going. But I did have a close call to wanting and almost binge eating. But instead of putting my hand in the rice bag (those things are still there) I sat down and thought about what is the trigger that is making me want to eat. I knew right away what this trigger was, I am angry with my husband. He did some stupid things (allmen!) and I was upset at him and my first response is , I want to eat. That will make me calmer and feel better. Plus, throw in some petty revenge. I was thinking, why should I care about losing weight anyway, I should be myself and just eat because I don’t care what he thinks. But as I thought about what I was doing and thinking, I caught that trigger. Anger, upset, irritability. That are a trigger for me that results in binge eating. The last time I was angry about soemthing, I also got an urge to eat. But it isn’t worth it. I am not losing weight for my husband. I am losing weight so I feel better, look better and love myself. I should not eat to get back at him because I am cutting off my nose to spite myself in a big way. So, I made some strong coffee and got on here to blog so I remember this and know that if I am angry or upset, avoid food. I am not in control of my thougtts nor emotions.
I am trying to figure my binge eating out so I guess the first thing I have to do is find out the triggers of why and then, try not to pull the triggers or at least, keep the bullets (junk food) out of the gun!

Yes, I am glad to have made it through another day. All last week I kept trying to get through two days on plan and never could do it so this time I did it. I feel pleasantly full and not stuffed to the gills where I feel like I could throw up after eating so much. I also don’t have that self hatred thing going on. I feel the control of my life is slowly coming back one step at a time. I will not say I wasn’t tempted. At lunch, for a quick min, I thought about it but told myself, wait till after lunch and see how you feel and it was my hunger that was talking and once fulfilled, I was fine. Then I bought some rice cakes for the kids. Now, to make this you give someone a jin of glutinous rice, a jin of sugar and a jin of oil. All the rice is cooked in a speical cooker and then popped once it goes to a certain pressure.  We con’t have that in the US. Anyway, onced popped, she then melts the sugar and oil together and pours it in the rice and mixes it and then presses it down so these are not rice cakes that dieters can eat. And it makes a lot! Well, they were calling to me tonight and I was tempted but I knew I would not stop with just one> I would eat and eat and eat and start that vicious cycle again and I am not going to do that. I want to get to my goal this time and not get side tracked on that slope again. When I get to goal, then the rice and I might have a talk but only a talk when I am in control, I plan what to eat and what portion and I STOP there. That is the key I think, being in control the whole time and not consuming on impulse. When I don’t think, that is when I mess up. So, thinking ahead and being in conrtrol is the way to go. ONward and downward for day three!

Well, I did it, Tuesday was a success and I made it through withoiut slipping down that slippery slope. I did get te nibbles at night but put on my DVD of ROME and that got my attention away from that. Sandy is so right, our failures are not failures if we try and learn from them but if we just let them get us down, they weaken us and make us a failure. So, I am picking myself back up , dusting off and going back to the journey of my life.

I have been wondering, what did I learn in my week off. I should go for the first bite impression and not continue. One particular thing sticks out to me. On the first day, I ate a chocolate cookie and it tasted horrible, really. Then I ate some other sweet things and they all tasted bad. But silly me, the next day, I did it again and you know what, they tasted better. The more i ate them, the better they tasted. I thought that was strange but then I got to where I wanted it every day! That easy to become addicted. I think it is best that when you are craving something, eat that first bite and then stop because if you keep going, you will get hooked on them again.  And you know what, it is like being addicted. I would go to school and then hunt for the things they had for everyone to eat. Anything sweet was what I wanted. It was like being a crack addict or something. I really think that even when I get to goal, not to indulge in the cookies and chocolate would be the best thing. They did not taste that great to begin with until I kept tasting them over and over and over.

Another thing I learned was that a lot of what I wanted to eat, I had stored in my memory of, I want to eat this one day , kind of thing. They did not taste as good as I thought it would. Many times when we have a craving I think it is remember the good feelings that were attached to it. It wasn’t as good as it is remembered. I remember that I wanted fried rice so bad and everytime I would go into this particular restaurant to buy small dumplings for the kids, I wanted that fried rice so badly. Well, I finally indulged last week with it and .. it wasn’t that good.

Again, my problem comes to portion control. When I ate, I should have eaten that one bite or so and then threw it away but I did not, I kept eating till it was gone. Fact is, all the snacks that were bought for the kids are gone. I ate them all. I have not gone out and bought anymore because of my struggling but I bought some gummy for them because I can resist those. Why do I do that to myself. Why do I push myself to finish whatever I am eating. I bought a package of oreos that had three rows of cookies in it. I ate them all. That is a lot of cookies! I really did not want them but just to know they were there, I wanted them, make sense? Yeah, me too.

Another learned lesson, eating did not make me happy. It made me feel even more depressed, self hatred was at a all time high, irritated and feeling downright fat fat fat! My stomach hurt so bad because I would fill it till I hurt. And then, still eat more. It wasn’t mindless, I knew what I was doing but still did it. Why? That is a question I haven’t managed to answer yet for myself. But I do see that once I reach goal, I am really going to have to set rules and standards for myself so I don;t go into a crazed binge like that. I will have to always be very concious of what I am doing and eating. I still havne’t managed to figure out how I am going to work out the normal eating once at goal. For one though, no sweets. I think that is best for me all around. Bread doesn’t bother me anymore. Also, I think that if I go off plan for that one time, go immediately back to the plan right after until the weigh falls off. If it doesn’t fall off for a few days, then those days will be on plan till they do. Also, when I am emotinal and not in contorl, I have to eat on plan. Only when I have planned it out and I am in total control can I let myself eat something extra.

Just thinking here folks. I am working things out but it takes time. Day two is in affect now and I want to say it was a success!

ok, I am feeling a bit better and yes, the toothbrush is back where it belongs. Your comments made me laugh and cry. Thank you for all that was concerned over things and talked about it with me honestly. I can’t say I am back on plan the way I should yet but working on it. I weighed myself yesterday and I put on a whopping 22.5 pounds in just five days of bad eating! Double yikes on that! BUt I know a lot of it is all the salty things I ate and , well, just all the things I ate. After months of trying to change my eating, I really messed up and knew what I was doing.  I knew what I was eating wasn’t soo good for me and I knew how I should be eating. Like when I took my DD to pizza hut , first time i have ever went tot he one in this city. I ate so much decadent things whereas the salad bar was just as good. But i made a concious choice. In a way, that is good because it showed I was concious of what I was doing where as before, I just did it without any thinking. But today is a new day. Have the docs. found out what is wrong with me, nope. They are doing lots of guessing, always good for that but no concrete target on the problem so they are doing what chinese docs are good at doing, just layoring the meds on. Ok, well, I will take it and see if it brings my period on and hopefully that will straighten it out but still having my mom to make an appt with a gyno while in the states. Would love to get my hormones under control and have someone I can talk to about that. Doctor is still blaming it on what I am eating but the blood tests did not confirm that, everything was normal. I think the way I eat is very healthy and I will continue with it. Fact is, I have managed to stay on plan for 1/2 a day so far, that is good. I will continue because this feels so muh better. I don’t want to go back tot he way I was and I was even more depressed with that thought looming over my head. I am going to do better, drink my water, eat on plan and exercise. I have a few hours alone in the night while the kids are doing homework and baby is out with grandpa so I have a video of the ballet teacher with her exer4cisies so I am going to be doing those. I think in all, it is a win win situaltion. I want these 22pounds gone by christmas. They are no invited!

I am so ashamed of myself. What is wrong with me! How could I have done this to myself. I have been doing so well over this year and when winter comes, then these demons come to torment me. Then my period is going crazy on me and not coming but still have PMS while waiting for it and what do I do? I eat! All this self learning I have been doing, what did it do for me, I left it behind and ate and ate. I did not eat what I shoud have, oh no. I had to pig out! I ate on Sunday night and got right back on plan on Monday and kept rigid and Tuesday comes, what do I do, pig again. And this time I made myself feel so bad that I was in physical pain and I sunk to the lowest of lows. I used a toothbrush to help me throw up. What is wrong with me, why did I do that. How could I have sunk to thelvels of the toilet! And knowing what I know and still doing it! Not wanting to gain this weight but that power that stupid food holds for me! I have got to stop and that is why I am being honest and putting this out for everyone to know just how low I have sunk. I look on other blogs. One is doing so great an d posted her pictures! wow, I want to look like that! I want to reach goal but if I keep repeating this, I will not make it! i feel so guilty and taking it out on my husband. I can’t blame anyone but myself. I can make all the excuses of my period not coming, hormones and all that mess but it just boils down to , I lost control again! I can’t do that. If I lose control, how will I ever get to goal and stay at goal. I am not ready for this! I want someone to come and hold my hand and keep me from myself. I am my own worst enemy, you know that? No more. I have to be strict, I can’t do this again. It is getting to be christmas and I have to give myself my own best present, good health and CONTINUED weight loss! not gain! I don’t want to gain, I don’t want to be fat again, I dont’ want people to talk about how fat I have gotten. Back to being strict, I have to do this , I have to do this, I will do this, I will do this. I have to keep in mind that image of myself with the toothbrush. How low I sunk! I feel so much better when I keep on plan, my body feels better, my digestion is better. I am going to do it, I am going to do it, I can do it I can do it, I will do this, I can do this, I can do this!

Ok, pop from now on! No more cheating, no more upping my meals. I was startimng to branch out a little in my eating and I think I stirred up the beast. I was using some splenda and maybe that has gotten to me. No more for now. Strict. Gotta do it to get the control back.
Remember Rachel, toothbrush!! Toothbrush!