From Cocoon to butterfly

Ok, Monday went really well for me. I got the treadmill going a little faster this time. I want to thank nancy for the blog she posted about the people who were doing the exercises wrong. I really learned from that and now applying the knowledge to what I am doing. But I made myself go and do my class last night and then while waiting for hubby to pick me up, did some more exercising and it felt good! Now, just to get into more of a routine in doing that. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I am tired of playing around the 138s to 145’s. I am ready to move on and downward. I am now ready to hit the 120’s so that is my goal that I am shooting for now. To get there.

Ok, questionf or all you that do exercises. The gym I go to is not knowledgable in helping you find the right equipment and all that so I am going to ask you guys. My body has slimmed down in most of my parts but the one part that is still out there is my thighs! When I wear the exercise pants, whew, do you see the thunder from them! yikes! I know they will go down as I get my weight down more but I want to know what is a good exercise for them. My ballet teacher says squats will help and also leg lifts. Ok, what about machinese? I looked over the machinese at the gym and hoenstly, I have no idea. I don’t want to make them bigger and such so what can help slim them down? Don’t just ell me the name, describe the machine because I have no idea about these kind of things.

My husband got me a great gift yesterday. It wasn’t a christmas gift per se but hey, I will take it as it is. He got me another mp3 player. THe reason was I was using his grandmother’s (she is tech. challanged and quit using it) but it was only good for maybe 2 hours and then no power. Constantly charging it all the time was a pain. PLus, I wanted to listen to music while on the airplane and that is a good 20 something hours in total of all three. Well, get home yesterday and he bought me another one that is good for at least 16 hours , at least that is what he says> We shall see. But I am tickled he did that for me and he knows I use it for exercising at hte school and gym also so I am pleased with it. So , great present.

Well, still struggling but really working it as much as I can. Fat and I are in constant war, Me, I am blunt and honest but fat, he is suductive and so smooth at getting what he wants. Hate that. Today, was feeling great an don top of the diet world. Then I came home and fat and I started  having a conversation. Him, with his half truths and such . Went something like this

Fat: not many snacks there but I bet that bread would taste good

Me: I can’t’ do that, I already messed up last night and don’t need to do that again. I have to stay on this and get down

Fat: Why worry about it, do it tomorrow, I have a great idea, you can eat all that is there and then it will be gone and you can start off tomrrow with no worry

Me: Hmm, what about exercise, I plan to do it this afternoon at the school and also tonight

Fat: Dont’ worrya bout it. Just bring your book to read instead of exercising at the school and you don’t have to go tonight, it is raining and bad weather so the teacher will understand why you don’t go

Me: That is true … inching closere to the bad stuff.

Fat: YOu should eat the lao po bing while you are at it.

Me: I already messed up once yesterday. I need to stop this and get the rest of my weight off for going to the US

Fat: Why worry, you have already lost so much weight that even if you gain some weight, they will still compliment you on how muchy you have lost

Me: Ok, I don’t like that It feels like dishonesty and I want to be down even more when I go to the US! I want to feel like I have done a great job

Fat: Nobody is here, don’t worry about that, just eat what you want now and then tomorrow just start again

ME: no, I really don’t want to do that because I will know and I am the most important. Plus, I have the valentine’s challange going on and I am going for 125, I want to make that number and really make it and stop playing in the upper numbers.

Fat; don’t listen to yourself, listen to me!

Me; I am walking away fat! I am not listening anymore and I am going for a cup of coffee

You can see how smooth fat can be at talking around things and I almost listened! But I am getting rid of the said bad stuff that was tempting me and going for my exercise today and tonight. Staying hme at night for cleaning is not working so I am going to start going to the gym and doing exercise instead. Don’t want to but just because we don’t want to do things doesn’t mean we can’t do it. I can do it and it will make me look better. Like I was telling my husband , I want to be called small, I want to reach my goal for the first time in my life! And the only way to do it is to stick to this and make it work!  So fat , I want a divorce!

Whew, tonight was a rough night. I have to admit, I did fall off the wagon for a short time yesterday night. Fell right in the hole and knew I was doing it and knew that I was suffering from my trigger of frustration. Nuts, I could have gone around it but I let myself go down that road around and fall in that hole again! But I have a plan for next time that happens so working on that. Today was our psuedo christmas. The kids are home, don’t have to go to school so we do christmas for them. We had allt he family here and extended family and friends here so it was a full house but good. Had no problem keeping on plan during lunch and then went to classes to give them finals and yeah, finished all the classes and now I have free Saturdays for a month! Yipee!! Ok, back on subject. Went to my daughter’s ballet class and was getting hungry since it is late. I was doing alright on my thinking UNTIL the mother , thin person already) breaks open chocolate first and offering me some , gee, thanks lady, and then a bag of cookies! Ok, just take a hammer and zonk me on the head. That started the craving sbig time! I got through the class without killing her, only envisioning it. But as I am going home, all these thoughts of what snacks we have at home and what I want are running through my head. I get home and eat my supper. Ok, hunger is taken care of but I still have those urges. So, I get a cup of coffee. Doesn’t help too much because I still have all these people and kids in my house so frustration is still there. So, confession time. I told my husband he has to help me because I want to eat so bad. I asked him to keep me out oif the food and junk because I really wanted it and then went back for another cup of coffee. Now, some might say that my husband should not be the food police but that is not it. If I really wanted toe at it, he would let me but I asked him to stop me because I knew should I reach up to get such and such stuff, he would ask me if I really wanted that. Still allow me but just the thought of him asking me , well, I am too proud to do that. IT would be admitting I did not have control over myself. I know I kow, I already admiteed I did not have control but it is just the thought of it, you know. Well, after telling him this and so on, it worked. Kids are in bed, house is quiet, and two cups of coffee down, I feel much better and hooray, I did not eat the snacks. They are stll there but I thinkt hey went to sleep because they are not calling my name anymore.

So, confession is good for the soul and also for the diet. By asking for my husband’s help, it kept me in control where I felt I could not do it myself. Maybe I will use him more often this way.

I am joining a Valentine’s challange on another website and looking to be 125 for Valentines, one hot babe!! Maybe I will put on my goal outfit for my husband’s valentine’s present. (don’t ask) hehehe

Well, need to go out grocery shopping with my smallest tonight and my first thought was, hmm, what could I buy and take home to eat. All these visions of junk food just dancing in my head, ah, terrible. In my mind I was thinking that I could just eat what I wanted tonight since I hvae managed to get so much of the excess off. So, I am catching myself now and thinking about what I am doing now before I do somethign I will regret. Why shouldn’t I eat tonight? Because I feel so much better now. Physcially I dont’ feel so fat, my stomach is not sticking out becauwe I have eaten too much, I don’t feel sick to  my stomach. I know my DH will capture me tonight and if I eat too much, I will feel too bad and lethargic to really respond. I am happy with the way  I look now that I have gotten back  down, the fat was starting to come back but now I see it going down once again. My clothes are fitting looser and looser and number one is that I am going home soon and I want to be firmly down before I go. I want to weigh less then everyone there except my sis in laaw and if I go off today, then I will feel terrible and start the whole vicious cycle again. I  have already slowed myself for three weeks, why would I want to do it again. It isn’t worth it. When things are bought, it is for the kids, not for me. I don’t need it in my system. Just becuase it is christmas doesn’t give me a licence to binge. Spring will be here before you know it (I say this as we expect snow on Sat) but the time will go fast and before I know it, I will be taking off the layor of clothes and everyone will see what I have or haven’t put on my body> My parents are losing weight and I don’t want to go back moaning about how I have gained weight. I should be proud of losing weight. I like having the control so it isnt’ worth it to break down for snack food and such. My plan, going to eat my food tonight and that will help me with my hunger because it is almost supper here. Then I will go shopping but not put one morsel in my mouth. Think about Jan. 13th, Jan 13th, leaving here. I want to be able to wear my cute outfit to leave in. If I keep breaking down to binge, I will not be able to do it. I will let myself down and everyone else who is cheering for me. NOt worth it. I want that new avi!

Well, today has been a pretty good day. I am dressed but hair still not done, ehehe. I am relaxing, what can I say, it is christmas here. I was planning on hibernating in bed but I was never good at staying in bed for too long so out I jumped at 7am. Plus, hungry and nature’s call would not wait and then scale’s call was there also. I am happy to report today 140.8! I am praying to see a 130 something tomorrow. Very happy with my body. Tonight, when everyone goes out, I do need to exercise since I did not get to the room at school today since I am home. Hope that will not mess up my losing streak. But only 4.9 pounds to go till I get to my weight I was Dec. 6th! Really looking forward to this! By the end of Dec. I should have it, at least I hope.

Got to talk to my immediate family on Yahoo today. They were all gathered at my mother’s house to have an early christmas and then go to relatives the next day so I got to talk to them all there. It was really nice and almost, a little like being there in person.  Make me miss home badly but luckily I did not fly out this week or I might be one of the “lucky” ones who get to stay in the airport! yikes! Double yikes!

I am already planning on carrying a heavy coat with me in my carry on when I go in case I am stuck in the airport for more then a day. You never know, I was cancelled last time so it may happen again but this time is much better because it is just me, no kids so with just me, things will be much easier to deal with everything. 
Seeing my parretns on the webcam was amazing. They have lost a lot of weight and it was great. We are really not going to know each other when we meet next month! Such a great feeling. I am already planning on what to wear, I know, silly but for the first time, I really do want to look nice.

Tina, I will get my parents to take a pic of the dress for you. I just don’t put it on right now because it is not meant for this weather, cold cold! BUt when I go home, I will have it done for you, hopefully they took it in the right amoutn. Right now, I have no idea.

WEll, hopefully you guys will have a great christmas! Remember, if you are going to eat all those goodies, plan carefullyof what you will eat and how much. Don’t overload.

Christmas eve here guys and it doesn’t even feel like it. Sheesh, I sure miss being in the US at thist ime. I am not hte only one. I met my friend today for coffee and he feels the same way, hates December and has a hard time not being blue about it. But one good thing about it is I do get a day off from work so I told DH to not even think about me getting up in the morning to turn on the heater for him. He would have to get his butt out in the cold house and turn it on, that is my christmas present LOL.

Weight wise, I am getting the weight downa nd very happily doing it. Stille arning my stickers, I have 7 total right now. Day one was a little hard but as teh days add up, it is getting easier. I have found my  mojo! It came back when PMS flew out the door. Feel so great. I feel like I can leap single servings of cake in a single bound, beat up any snacks that come to my door and so on. SUper Rachel heheh. Seriously though, I feel really great now. My clothes are fitting better and getting loose again, I feel in control and I started getting the exercise thing going. I do cardio every day for at least thirty minutes. I am gradually increasing as I can find time. I also started back to my ballet/exercise classes so I am enjoying that although I hate going out in the cold but it sure is worth it! So, my body is thanking me for getting back on track. I am looking at regaining my old avi by at least the end of Dec. Then it is downward from there. I scared myself pretty bad there for a few weeks. I really felt that I was in the pit and I was going to gain it all back. I felt so terrible and just did not know how to stop it but I am so thankful to have you buddies here to help me and talk with me. It kept me hanging on even when I just wanted to quit everything. I lost my LL crown but now, it is giving me serious mojo to earn that sucker back LOL  But I do feel so much better. Imagine, seeing 135 on the scale and then a few weeks later, see 155, yikes! That is scary. I have to be honest with myself. I am a foodaholic. I can’t handle food on a normal level like other people. And that does scare me somewhat. But I will work through this. One good thing this has taught me is that if I keep my eye on my scale and when I see it go up, all I have to do it get back on plan and it will fall off. That is good news.

I found this poem on line and thought you guys might enjoy it.  I reminded me of what I did to fall into that slippery slope of bad eating and what to do about it.

 THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street

Success is so sweet! Es[pecially when you have tasted defeat a little too often. I did well today. I ate completely on plan. Ic an ‘t say that I wasn’t tempted. When I got home from work, I was hungrt and was tempted but then I thought, no, I want that sticker. I want to say I got my sticker. So I kept on plan. Then, this afternoon, after my class, went and did my cardio. Felt good and then I was starting to arguing with myself about going out tonight for my class of ballet exercise becuase it is sure cold out there and I have to take a moped. But I won the argument with myself because I am serious about wanting to start back up and get myself on track and get my body to be a lean mean machine. Maybe I don’t have all the classes of things I would love to take but her class is enough for me right now and she has really taken an interest in me so I don’t mind. I am wanting to do Mon and Friday class. And then cardio every day. I am really excited about this and feel good. I know that I am going to see that scale moving the right way this time and with me adding the exercise to the mix, it should be that much faster and it makes my body that much better. I thank GOD that I feel better and I have my mojo back. I was dispairing of ever finding it with my body troubles but once TOM made his appearance, well, mojo also made it’s appearance and I am taking it all the way! I am ready to get back on track and on that wagon. Feels really good to do it.

I also picked up my dress today from the tailors. It is orginally my wedding dress but it is a chinese wedding dress and very beautiful. I had it taken in (I have lost enough weight it was too big) so I could wear it when I am in the States. Nobody will know it’s significants but will appreciate it. I can’t wear it hear because everyone knows what it is but int he States, I can. I just hate to have it in my closet without being able to wear it. So , I am excited about that!

So guys, I have three smiley faces on my calender. The glitter kind. I have one big one and two small ones. I figure doing the toning was a good plus for me in getting out in this weather so I gave myself a big one. So, look a tthe pretty stickers !!!

Thank you to all you lovily buddies that helped me and commented on my blog. I did not feel so alone. These last two months were really rough with trying to deal with the absence of TOM and having PMS so badly. I am happy to say, did I just say that? , TOM is no longer MIA. That must be why my emotions evened out a few days ago. Never knew that TOM could make me so happy but it sure has! And now, I have no excuse of why I can get back on plan and STAY on plan. So, time to face the music and it was a hard facing to change. I got on the scale this morning and was up to 155! Yikes! So, back on the plan to get all that off and keep heading down. I have begun planning on things to do to keep going. One is going to be tor eward myself with stickers when I do a good job. I know, it sounds childlike but hey, I teach 1st and 2nd graders so I am childlike myself heheh. Anyway, I have a calender on my desk to keep up with everything aned what I am planning is that every day I am pop, I get a sticker on that day for that. Then, if I do my cardio for that day, a nother sticker. IF I do my toning, anther sticker. Then, I have an actual visual representation of what I have done. I thought it would be kinda cool and rewarding in itself. I would do money but since I am going on a trip to US soon, can’t do that but I may start that soon. Perhaps get my husband to reward me every time but that is future thinking. Gotta do now thinking.  Last week, I was able to do two cardio and one toning so I am getting better. Since finding that exercise room at the school , I have started using it and I don’t feel so shy anymore. I am planning on doing my walking with that and slowly getting my speed going. On MOnday and Wend. I have more time so I will do over 30 min. And then on T, Th, and Friday I will do 30 min. since I have less time. I am also going to do my exercise class on Monday and Fridays so that is good exercise and toning with that. I stopped going bec ause of my emotions. Last time I was there, I got so frustrated and mad at the teacher because I could not do anything right. Hormones! But now, ready to roll. I am also going to start doing squats and leg lifts in the morning, lunch and night. I will start slow but then add up. Li Laoshi said that if I get up to 54 each time, three times a day, my thighs will go down a whole lot. So, I will start working on that. I feel good guys. This is doable. Not to rough. And I will keep on my plan.

I have learned that I am most surely NOT ready for living lean. Just to see how I have eaten in the last few weeks, terrible. I am not even going into all the junk I have shovelled, literally, in my mouth. I went to a christmas party Sat. and when I sat down with my plate and then looked at another woman’s plate, the difference was terribly apparent. Mine was loaded with bad choices and well, just loaded. Hers was light, good choices and portion control. Have I not learned anything? Well, this shows me that I can just let loose and fancy free. When I get to goal, and I will get there! , I will have to be in strict control at allt ime. I think every choice I do and everyting I do will have to be thoguht out carefully and preplanned. That is the only way. My cruizing control is out of wack and can’t be trusted so I have to deal with things on manual. But at this time, I am not going to deal with that. I am dealing with today. I gained a lot and I hate to see that gain on my ticker but that will have to be done. I had to be honest. But today starts a new day, a new wagon. Today, I am going to have that sticker on my calender. !

Thanks ladies for all your c omments on my calgon post! It has been rough and I have to say, my husband has been a trooper through it all, allt he nagging, raging, fussing and all the wonderful things we do when we have PMS> The thing that bothers him the most is my lack of interest in sex. I had to laugh at Khemerbeauty wanting to eat more then sex. I know the feeling!  But he has been so great to be patient with me and I thank GOD I have an understanding husband, well, confused a bit but he is dealing witht he hope that Santa Claus brings him his wife back again hehe. But last night, after a binge again! He convinced me to go for a foot and back massage. The foot massage was *yawn* Ok, I am still having PMS so forgive me. The back massage was nice because it wasn’t just the back but they get your back, neck, face(which was wonderful by the way because I have had a headache for days) and legs. I would never had a man do this but with a woman, she did small talk with me and relaxed me and it did feel good. I was able to go to sleep much better then usual although I still sweated like I was in a sauna. But when I woke up, I felt better. I feel a little bit more in control. PLus, I think writing on this forum and knowing that I wasn’t crazy with all your comments really helped. Sometimes I feel like I am in the dark and don’t know what to do. Some of you suggested going to another doc. but what you don’t undersntad, you can’t do that here. There is the one doctor and that is it. So, that is why I am going to an American doctor despite having no health insurance int he US. Going to cost me a bundle but better then my sanity, yes? But I do feel much better so I think all the hugs and calgon you sent me on the buddyslim helped! Thank you. I even feel a renewed interest to get back to my weight loss, soemthing I have been feeling terrible about lately this month. Don’t know if this feeling will last but I am grasping it firmly for this time!   I finish my meds tonight so we shall see if TOM decides to show up again. Isn’t it crazy, when you don’t want it, it comes but when you want it, nope! But I will wait the 7 days the doc said and guess what, it would be christmas then that if I still have nothing I will go back to the doc. What a present heheh. But Ir eally don’t wnat to go back beause I know what she willd o, just give me more meds on top of it. Not sure what to do about this. I will keep you guys posted, that is , if you are interested. But I have got to get t his thing under contorl because I DON”T want to gain the weight back!! I already hate what I have done thus far.

Does anyone have any calgon I can use to “take me away”  This has been one of the worst months in my life. I always have a rough time In December but it is even rougher. One of the buddyslimers was talking about the other woman coming to visit aka PMS and I can sure relate to that. My last period was Oct. 20th and since then, no period.  Nope, I am not pregnant. I have already been for testing and all that and they haven’t reallyf igured out what is wrong. All my blood testing has come back pretty mcuh normal but still, no period. Now, not havign a period would be nice but where it kills me is that I normally should have had my period around the 20th of Nov. but haven’t but I HAVE had PMS since Nov. 20th until now and it is driving me nuts!  Not just me but also my husband. I have hidden it pretty well at my job since I teach primary school students but by the time I finish work, my patience has been used up! My emotions are crazy, I go into rages so easily all t he time, have no patience , depressed, feeling bad and some instances, just don’t care about things. Sex, yuck, Let me wash dishes, more fun. Just don’t have the feeling for that and that is not normal for me and for a husband that is an every two dayer, it is really really rough for him! Which makes me feel even worse because I feel like a terrible wife!  If it was just for a few days, no problem but this has been dragging on since Nov!! Eating wise, don’t even ask. I am having a terrible time staying on plan and doing my best just to not gain weight but it has been rough. I am trying to make it but it is realy bothering me terribly. I went to the doc here but they did not help so much. I am taking some meds to get my TOM started so we shall see. She said it would start either when I was taking the meds ( I will finish by Thursday and nothing yet) or 3 to 7 days after stopping so I am hoping that will start.  I tried to explain to the doc about how my emotions were and she laughed at me, yep,t hat is right, she laughed at me! She said all women have these emotions and I should just try breathing deeply. Taht did not make me happy. Sure, all women do have pms but for over a month almost now?? And it keeps getting worse the older I get. I don’t know, I am just not happy right now and feel I am failing everyone. All my challanges , I can’t keep up with them anymore because I keep tripping up and eating offplan. So once again, calgon, take me away!