From Cocoon to butterfly

It has been such a journey of weight loss for me. I can’t belevie how successful I have been at getting it off and I thank GOD for helping me every step of the way. Without HIS strength, I could not have made it on. Many contact me and tell me they are amazed at how I do it and how well I seem. But you know, I have my weak moments also> I don’t talk about it that much because I guess I am trying to work it out and figure it out but sometimes, there are questions I am tryign to figure out but can’t do it by myself. This question has come up for me sevearl times in my journey but yesterday really raised its pointed head. I am a thief. Why do I say that? Because I, like a thief, ama  good personin the light, when others are watching me but come time when others are gone and nobody can see me, the sneaking urge comes on me with strength like a drug addict needing his next fix. I have very little trouble with this feeling at any other times but come a time when I am alone, no matter what time of day or night it is, that little bugger will rear its ugly head. I realize it comes from years of habit. People could never understand how I gained so much weight when I ate so normal but what they did not know is when nobody could see me, I would eat. I can remember making a box of pudding or mac and cheese and then going to my room and eating it all by myself. Or when I was nursing my youngest at night and I would eat cookies every time i passed them till in two or three wake ups, they would be gone that morning. After I gained my weight, I just could not stop. I would pass by the store and buy so much and then when my husband left AFTER we already ate lunch, then I would take out all the cookies, candy, chocolate and other things and hten eat it in one swoop. Then, ,later in the afternoon, I would make eggs, or other things to eat. Goodness only knows why I wasn’t as big as a barn! I still fight with these urges. I have been told they are habit but are they? It takes, what a month to break a habit. It has been many many  months now and I do other things to replace the eating but I still get the urges when nobody is home. I keep busy but it is always there in the back of my mind, lurking, waiting to sneak in that window and do things it is not suppose to do. Am I doomed to a lifetime of always fighting this thief, always watching for it and always knowing when the lights are out and nobody is home, it will come out? Right now, everyone is home and they are enjoying a feast(bil and sil is here) and I am fine but if they were to go to the park and leave me a lone,t hen I would struggle. What is wrong with me mentally? hmmmm.

But other then that, I am fine. Went shopping again today and bought some things. This is the 2nd time I bought something and I am just on cloud nine. I can fit into a skirt now!! I just can’t beleive it!! And there were some that were too big. Now that has never never happened in the ten years I have been here! I bought a cute sweater to go with it and then a dress. I am just so pleased with the results and being able to shop. So few can ever understand the pleasure it gives me to actually be able to shop and find normal clothes that fit me. For you guys, you know all you have to do is lose a little weight and your main thing is just to buy smaller sizes but for me, it was just being able to buy ANYTHING! I could not fit into anything from bras, underwear, long johns, clothes, skirts and my coat, I had to buy a large jacket from the US to cover my down coat because even in the largest size, it would not button all the wya and would not zip. Imagine living like that and knowing you can’t buy anything is your clothes go bad. Now, I can and it is sweet success. So, last night when I was having a bit of a pity party of , why me, I looked in the mirror at myself and knew, it was worth it, I am worth it! When my sis in law saw the sweater and wonder who would wear it, I was tickled to say, me me, I am thin enough to now. She was also telling me at her wedding, one of the men there could not take his eyes off of me and asked her about me and was very interested. Wow, it has been so long since a man was attracted to me. Wow