From Cocoon to butterfly

I have a problem that I have been dealing with and really not sure how to deal with it. Not sure where to lay the blame but I think it is due to the cold days and winter. Maybe it has to do with the amount of weight I have lost, I am not sure really but when the weather was warmer, I did not have the same problem. My problem is that I really want to eat. I am hungier then usual. Usually, when I come home, I am hungry but now, I could eat a house by the time I come home to eat! When I sit down, I just want to eat and eat and then keep eating and it is bothering me really bad. Is it winter and this is the body’s way, the way we were made when we needed those fat stores to survive? I am having to be really really careful now because I have the desire to binge, to eat more and snack and I can’t do that. Today, I came home so hungry for lunch and mixed my soup with my veggies and ate and it was so good. By the time I was more then 1/2 way there, I was getting full and I felt it but I kept going. It was about the amoutn of food I usually eat but usally I leave a bit in the plate because I want to not be part of the clean plate club but today, I would not stop. I did not overeat but I don’t feel good in how I almost felt I was out of control, mindless really. I have been feeling that more and more about eating> Sometimes I get up and think , I have had enough, I just want to eat what and when I want. This is not me folks! I have lost 120 pounds and I am happier then I have ever been in my life!  But I have those feelings that I am trying to contend with> I was sitting at work trying to figure out what brought that mood on to me today. There were several reasons. One, the scale went up from Sat. morning to Monday morning up 2 ounces for no reason. That bothers me because that was two days of eating on plan only to go up some, why would it do that. So, that was bothering me but I got my new avi and was happy about that but still did not feel so happy though. I think, yeah, that is good but I still have up to 150 pounds to get too. Just a little depressed I suppose. Then I was going to try and talk to the leader of a kindergarten I want my daughter to go too and it is so hard to get info. from there. Why is it only one person knows what you need and they are never there! That irritated me. Really, there was no good reason for me to feel not in control but I have been feeling that for quite a few weeks now, pretty much when winter weather really hit. I am wondering what I can do to stay in control? I have been keeping myself on tight reign about this but do I have to struggle with this every winter.  Now, I keep strict control over myself but once at goal, how to control this. How to get past this feeling? Do you get past this feeling?  How do you keep that control over what you eat and portions when you feel that mindlessness coming on, that real hunger that comes? What do you do. I went with my daughter to buy some fried things(chinese) and she was talking about how good it smelled and I agreed and said I could eat one of everything they were selling and I really meant it. If I was ‘t losing weight, I would have bought one of each and would have eaten every one of them! Of course, I did not but knowing that the possibility was there and it wasn’t impossible for me made it scary for me because I want to reverse that kind of thinking, I don’t want to have that thinking in me because I can’t be liek that anymore, ever! I hate feeling that hopelessness feeling.  IT is not hopeless and I know that, goodness, I have already lost a lot and I can make it. But even today, when I was putting the dishes in the kitchen., I felt fat. For goodness and honestly I felt like I did at 257 pounds ad there was no difference in it. Why is that. Anybody know??

Well, finished supper and made my soup to put in the fridge for next week> I like to prepare things early so I will have it ready all week and there is not a chance to fall off the path. But the smell is so wonderful and today I have had such a rough day. Lots of bad classes, TOM is coming soon and just bought a bag of candy and chocolate for the kids that my DH ate before they ever had a chance so had to replace it…

But you know, it is all an excuse. So many people I read about talk about I ate this and that bad things becuase of this and that. Humans have always been the best excuse givers ever. Think back to the orginal humans, Adam and Eve. They were perfect, but what happen, they could not resist that ick. They just had to have it and when God asked them why, they had an excuse, all of them. She made me do it and by the way God, you gave her to me so you are to blame also, …. The snake decieved me…. and so on. Excuses have been a common  “get out of jail free” card that we all seem to use. I think we have gotten to the point where we don’t even realize it. Like I just did in the top of the blog ” Rough day, lots of bad classes” and so on. I had thought that right htne and then when I blogged it, I realized what I was doing. Yes, cravings get bad with the hormones and all that, yes, I want to snack during the rough times but they are all excuses. I realize that it what it is. Circumstance don’t force ick in my mouth, I do. It is how I react to the situation that will determine what I do. I know one lady that does well in the month but once ick comes, she gives herself permission to go off track and then spends the next month catching up to what she lost. And every time she says, I just can’t stop it because TOM and so on so on. Never take the blame ourselves, always got to blame something. But in reality, we have to blame ourselves because we do have a choice. Did Eve really have to listen? If she had kept herself busy she would not have been around the tree and by the way, what was she doing near the tree anyway? What are YOU doing near that chocolate?? It whisper suductively to you and you reach and touch it but you know you shouldn’t. You walk away and do is successful a couple of times but it keeps in your thoughts. Like the fruit did to Eve. How do we respond? For me, it is putting ick out of sight and reach. It is coming here to blog and be accountable to you guys. What would have happened if Eve had gone to GOd and told HIM what the snake was doing? Instead, she had the inner tourmoil inside , she made up her mind to deal with it herself instead of trying to find support. God knew what was going on but was waiting to see what SHE would do about it. What are you going to do about it? For me, I come here to blog and get my mind off ot it. By blogging, I can see my patterns of thinking (thought I was talking about you didn’t you but it is really talking about me) I saw an age old habit of, well, because of this happening and that, I should and can eat this and that. But inf act, that get out of jail free card is actually the card that says “Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not…” We are actually putting ourself in a prison of excuse making when we do the “because of this” and “well, I can’t help it” To be free, we have to seek support, get out of reach of ick, find new habits to make to replace the old. You can’t stop an old habit and not have something to fill it. But really, making these excuses are keeping us in a prison and we can’t get out of it as long as we think we are “free” Don’t we realize that the more we excuse what we are doing,t he more we relie on the excuses. We can never be really free. Yes, TOM is rough, every woman alive knows that but it is a fact of life, it comes every month without fail (unless you are the big PG) But it will always come. If you don’t learn how to deal with it now, will you ever? Yes, we have rough days, fact of life. There will never be a time where you have “reached it” no more bad times. Fight with the DH, yep, fact of life also. Kids are bad, another fact. I could continue to list them but really, they all come down to one sentence, FACT OF LIFE. You can’t stop them, they will always be there and even when we die, guess what, still here. THey will outlive all of us here. So, what to do with the facts of life.

Ok, let’s take pregnancy. Fact of life. If you have unprotected sex, you will get pregnant, right? There is no way around it. It happens and it is a FACT. So, can you get around it? Can you excuse yourself out of being pregnant? NOpe because it is a fact. But you can find a new way to cope with that fact. Birth control, condoms, snipping your tubes and so on. We know we can’t get around the fact so we find ways to deal with the fact. Our snacking during the FACT OF LIFE times are the same way. Because the fact happens, it doesn’t excuse yourself to let go and binge. We have to find ways to cope with that fact without giving into the fact. Just because you have sex doesn’t mean you have to give into being Pregnant, just as it is, just because you have rough times, fights with the DH, bad day at work and so on mean you have to eat and eat and eat. It means you have to find another way to cope with these situations. They will always happen. What do you think will happen, supposily you will be thin and life suddenly gets all rosey and great. No, we have to find other ways to cope with the fact instead of eating.

Hmm I feel better and although I am enjoying the smells and such, I don’t feel like snacking. Yes, had a rough day, yes, want to bite everyone’s head off and yes, hate my classes on Sat. but my habit of blogging has replaced this, I will not get pregnant! with junk food that is hehehe.

Today, I had a glimpse of the real me and it wasn’t pretty. But I am proud that I identified the problem, what I was doing and then solved it. Let me detail it down because I wanted to blog it and save it for further reference. I feel as I have more of these mometns, the better it bodes for me to stay at goal because I need thiese moments to teach myself what I do , when and how to stop.

It has been getting really cold here and as a result of losing so much weight, I am always cold especially my hands. So, I thought, I could really use some soup. So, I cut up one tomato, 1/2 of a garlic clove, 1/4 of an onion. Then I boiled some water and put all the material in there and let it boil and get cooked well. Then I added some Italian seasoning and various other seasonings. Yum yum, it was so good and a little spicy from the pepper I put must a smidge in there. It made more then I thought and I put it into a big bowel and was enjoying it so much. I started getting full but thought, I should not stop, it is so good and I don’t want to waste what I just made. More went in and I thought, I should finish it, there isn’t much left. Then I thought, wait a minute, what am I doing? I am going back to the same habit that I always have albeit with healthy food. But it wasn’t what I was eating but how I was eating it. I was already full, in fact, a little too much yet I continued to stuff myself just so I could see the bowl empty. It struck me what I was doing what was what I did with all the food to get heavy. I would start with one cookie and then go to two and the package would bother me till I emptied it and was so full I hurt. I did this time and time again and I was doing it again. I put the spoon down and put the rest of the soup in the fridge I felt terrible that I had done this but I had identified what the problem was and that it was a problem so I felt this was a huge step in the right direction. It also showed me how easy it was to slide right down that slippery path of gaining weight. I could not conciously portion myself out from that. So, I thought about it all afternoon. This was soemthing I don’t want to do again and when I get to goal, I have to know how to stop myself before I start feeling too full. Some of my previous blogs had to do with me trying to figure out portion size so this goes right along with my researching for goal. So, I thought, how can I control myself? I can’t relie on my inner senses to tell me that I am full yet, have to work on that. So, what else can I do? Why did I eat too much for lunch? The soup was put in a big bowl. Ok, did I need a big bowl, no, I just had put more water in it so it was a lot more then I could eat. So, I wanted to eat it all because I saw there was still some left in the bowl and we all come from the old school of , have to clean your plate. So, what can I do to solve this problem? Thought about it and thought, what would have been a comfortable portion for me to eat and be satisfied? A small bowl, the kids bowl would have been enough for me along with my other veggies. Ok, so, I have to conciously portion my food out for myself to keep in control. So, tonight, made the soup again and put it in the small bowl and left the rest in a bowl to put in the fridge. Then I ate my supper with my soup and was comfortable with how much I ate and was happy with it.
Solution has been found. I have to be active in my portion control. I know that when I have more there, I have trouble stopping. I don’t even realize what I am doig till it is too late. So, how does this transfere to living lean? Well, if I go to a restaurant, I should have the meal half up immediately before I get it and put in a doggie bag. If it is in front of me, I will keep nibbling till it is all gone. Out of sight out of mind. Also, buy only enough for that one time and get rid of the rest even if it means wasting it. Don’t buy two things for the price of one if it means I grow to the size of two. Buy, worth the extra money to not get the extra. Pretty much, keep away from the packages of chips and cookies because portioning that out is very difficult to impossible for me at this time.

So, these are some of my thoughts. Perhaps they will help others but I know they have helped me today and for the rest of my life

We have all had experiences where the scale takes a jump in either direction and sometimes for no reason and other times, for a reason. Well, with the fact of the untruths I am told by the machine, I take my measurements. I do them every three weeks or soemtimes four because no matter what, it doesn’t lie. Sometimes when the scale might go a bit slow, look at those measurements and they will tell the truth. Well, it has been four weeks since measuring so I was due for measuring. My top, I did not expect much change but my bottom, well, that is what I wanted changed because that is what really needs to go down. Well, I had quite a pleasant experience, wow, it was great I should really say. I can see a huge jump going down in my hips and thighs. So, gotta tell you guys, if you are discouraged because some part of your body is going thinner but others are not, take heart, when you get lower, you will get rid of it! I am just so tickled. I am going to post what my first measurement where when I started and then I am posting what I had last month and then the difference to this month. Hopefully it can give some others encouragement to continue on no matter what!.

Beginning:

March 12th,08                                                         10-19-08                                                        11-16-08

Neck: 13.5                                                                   12                                                                    12

Shoulders:  47                                                             39.2                                                                39

Chest         41.6                                                           35                                                                    34

Bicep:      15.5                                                             11                                                                     10.8

Waist:     36                                                               27.6                                                                   27.1

Forearm   11.2                                                          8.8                                                                     8.6

Hips     53.7                                                              40                                                                        38.5

Thigh:  32                                                                23                                                             21.6                                                            

Calf: 19                                                                   15.6                                                                     15.3

   Total of all inches including left/right thigh and all that

347.4 inches(241.6 pounds)                               269.5 (147 pounds)                                    263.1

The first time. Gosh, I could start a lot of blogs on that beginning but today I will stick to my subject. Today , it was the first time I received a compliment of being thin from a complete stranger. I have been told about losing weight and so on by the people who know me but this was a complete stranger. I was buying some DVD’s(Ican buy them for a little over 1 dollar here each!! ) and I passed by a place that there came such a great smell! I remembered that from a few weeks back, my son and I both noticed it. Well, I turned back to see what I was. They were frying up pastries and it was soooooo smelling good. So, I stopped and bought some and told them it was a pity that I could not eat any. They asked why I could not. I told them I was dieting and all that oil and bread would not do well for me. The man (about 30 something) looked me up and down and asked why Iw as dieting when I was already so thin. I just smiled so big and then told him, I have already lost over 100 jin (2 jin is 1 kg/ 1 kg is 2.2 pounds) He just was in shock as I walked away with a huge smile on my face! Wow, I have never been told that before and it felt just sooooo great. So, although it was smelling so good and I am sure very good to eat, it wasn’t worth it. That compliment was the sweetest and most satisfying thing I could ever “eat”

I know there are many who have trouble keeping their motivation going but really, for me, I find things that keep me motivated. Today it was the compliment (few and far btw when you live in China) yesterday it was going back to exercise class and finding I could do the leg lifts so much easier. Another day it was seeing a gap forming btw my legs. Another day it was my child’s hands going around me and almost touching. I find things that mean soemthing to me. It keeps that motivation really going. Then I came home today and my mil was here with some thick tights for me. Now, let me explain. She sells socks./tights and long johns for a living. I have never been able to get anything from her except kneehighs and even they left a deep groove where the top was and that was her biggest. But she has already been able to give me some pantyhose that fit the other week and today I could wear the tights! This is what everyone else can buy! I was so pleased it fit. Even she was surprised. I just love this! When I go back to the US, I will be able to buy less because now I can get my clothes and under things here and it sure is cheaper here then in the US.

So, I am just so excited. I am seeing my loss slow down a bit but I figured it would happen as I get into the lower numbers. Wish they wouldn’t but it is the body’s way of coping and it knows. But I am not stopping. When I go to the US, I have to have a plan to keep on this journey because this is a journey guys, not a short term plan. I have been thinking about how to keep to the plan while on the plane and then while at home an I am slowly forming one so I will be ready. The biggest thing is that you have to plan plan plan. Where there is no plan, you are planning to fail!! When I have something to follow,  I will and can follow.

I have been doing well in keeping with my , how to say, plan of how to live at LL by thinking about the foods I see and if I can eat it and how. Like today, buying the things from the side of the road. I thought about how they make it and what is in it and how it is cooked and thought, yes, really good but not worth eating it. If I eat it, just maybe 1/2 or less and share with someone and then have to be on plan for some days. Then I thought, it is really worth it then to me to eat it, not so much if so. When I look at a baozi, I know I could have some but only one is sufficient. When I see TO(thin others) eating, I am watching them more carefully to learn. Yes, I love researching things and that is what I am doing now.

Well, today I met my mingoal of 140! I can’t beleive it. I am getting nearer and nearer to mystery land. Heck, I am there now. I haven’t weighed this much since I was in ninth grade but lower then 138 and that I have never seen before! I can’t wait. I am so motivated to keep going down down down. When I stand I can actually see a gap btw my legs , wow. Still not guge but it is getting there. I have never seen that! For all those times it was so rough, am so glad I kept putting one foot in front of the other and doing it. It is all paying such high dividends that I am just so thankful!

On another topic, I reserved a ticket to go to the US. Still guilty about leaving the kids but I decided to go for about 3 weeks so not too bad. I will have my hsuband to put them on the computer every day so I can see and talk with them. I talked with my mother today and she was excited about me coming and she will be having surgury soon so I want to be there for that if I can. She really wants me there for xmas but that is impossible with my work but maybe one day , if my husband’s wishes are granted.

so, onward and downward, 130’s , here I come.

I am not sure what to do. My kids are my life and I love them very much but I am not sure what to decide. I have been having homesickness lately and really wanting to go back to the States for a visit. I always take my kids with me and as a result, the cost is astronmical! But my husband was trying to comfort me last night and told me that if I really wanted, I could go back this spring festival (Jan, I get a month off from work) and go without the kids. Without the kids going, we can swing the money for me to go but do not have the money for them all to go. I really am not sure what to do. Both has postives and negatives. Ok, first , positives, I get to enjoy a vacation by myself, I don’t have to watch the kids all the time, I can actually watch a movie on the airplane or sleep or anything I want, I can spend time with my mother, go to the bookstore to read and all the other things I havent’ been able to do for years. Bad points: The biggest, I don’t want to leave my kids. They are safe here and will be taken good care of but I just don’t know about leaving my 13 month old. Will she forget me after a month? The kids will feel bad that I am going and they are not. I can save that money for going with everyone in 2010 (that is the next family trip to the US) So, I guess the biggest thing is leaving my kids. I really want to go though. To just relax in the airport and not have to worry about so much would be great! To just be able to leisurely do things would be great. To buy the spices I need would be great. I am not sure what to do. Should I wait till 2010 or go in a few months? What do you guys think?? PLus, my family haven’t seen me since I have lost weight so that would be cool to knock them on their butts and buy at least one outfit from the normal size clothes! PLus, don’t forget victoria’s secrets! I really don’t know what to do.

On the great side, I am seeing my confidence soar. I actually went and got my hair done today. Haven’t done that in years and years! I got them to put some red in it. Kinda think like the hair color Nicole Kidman does sometimes with red and a little blonde. Looks nice, they did a good job. Once I hit 139, I will get my DH to get a pic of me and youi can see my hair. I am pleased with it. I feel I am changing so much so feel great. It was so strange though> I caught a glimpse of myself int he mirror while they were doing my hair and I did not recognize myself for a sec or two. I was thin and it wasn’t me! I look normal and slender, I thought I would never be able to say that but I can. If I do go to the US, I will have to be really cautious on what I eat but it is a great time to live at goal! It feels really good! Really!! Took the kids out to eat last night and they ordered the milk tea, french fries, onion soup, chicken leg with rice and it all smelled so good! I had my own veggies to eat but he french fries were calling me! So, I did what I said I was going to be doing. Ok, when living at goal, should I eat this?  Hmm, not really. All potato and then deep fried in oil and then dipped in sugar sweetened ketchep. Ok, so, if this is not healthy, how to make it healthy and honestly, I could not think of a way to make it healthy for myself. Just the transfat is a killer. Better to wait till I get home and make oven baked friench fries that are healthy for me. The chicken with rice would be alright to eat. The milk tea, well, my coffee triumphed over that with no problem. After I did all that internal thinking, I felt good. It wasn’t so much I was telling myself that I can’t have it, it isn’t forbidden to me or any of that but just thinking about it in health terms, there are so much better things to eat then that and taste better too! Maybe in time, I will have a small fries one day just for that time but honestly, I think it is better for my body not too. I was also thinking about , what about noodles. Love them but outside , they are so soaked in oil here. So, my mind starts to think about this and you iknow what, My fil makes good noodles with little oil. That works. So, you can see, I can see my mind set going and getting better. I was also realizing that by tomorrow’s weigh in or at least in a few days, I am going to have only 20 something more pounds to lose to get to goal. I can’t beleive it! But that is still a lot and things will slow down as I get closer. I use to be so worried about when I would reach this stage but I see that by working my mentality, I am managing to do alright with it and not binge or anything. I think that is why I am doing this thinking of healthy and normal eating because I don’t want to fall into the binge trap. If I really want something, do it the best and healthiest way and it will not kick me in the butt. Then go right back to pop. Workable plan.

Well, rambled enough. Have a great day and  will have a new photo up next week

I did it! The last dress challange has been met and defeated! Yeah. Ok, most of us are women and if you are anything like me, you have all kinds of sizes in your closet. IN fact, before losing weight, just in underwear, I had size 9, 8,7,6, and 5. My husband doens’t know what to do about me heheh. Bras, shirts, skirts, they are allt he same way. Well, one of my goals to myself was to be able to wear all my clothes down to the smallest one in my closet. I have gradually gotten down and tried on the clothes and packed away the big clothes (yes, I should throw them out but give me time to overcome my fear) and I am even down to where I can put on my size 5 underwear. Bra is a 34 so I can get into everything BUT there was one dress. It just did not fit right for awhile. But today, I decided, ok, let’s try it on again and see how it fits. Well, I unzipped the size, pulled it on and ,…. guess what, yes, it fit. I actually got into my smallest size clothes and now there are no smaller clothes to get into!  Yes, it presents a problem that now all the clothes will get bigger and bigger because I still have 32 more pounds to lose but that is a great problem! Much better then the one I had previously of all the clothes getting too small because I was up into a size 28! But I can put on all the clothes now and I am so hyped about that. It was something I thought I would never be able to do. They have been sitting in that closet for so many years but I could get them all on and the last dress was my hurdle. I am also now slowly getting my mind around how to live at goal because in a few months, I will be at goal and I need to know how to handle it. I caught myself thinking of how to eat the breakfast this morning as if I was at goal. I thought about portion size, how to make it and all that and I came up with a successful answer. It gives me hope that I can and will do this and NOT gain back the weight. I think the biggest thing I have to learn is portion control. My weight gain was not the product of what I ate because obviously, you can eat bread and stuff without gaining but the big problem was HOW much I ate. This is what I have to learn to control my portion size. So, my next task to myself is to learn portion. I do not plan to go off plan or stop but what I want to do is look at the food around me and think , ok, would this be healthy for me? Could I eat this at goal and not trigger myself? How much is a reasonable amount to eat? Meaning, what would a normal weight person eat of this? How can I make it healthier for me to eat? I feel that we should not plan how to eat when at goal once we get to goal. It takes a lot of thinking and planning to get our minds wrapped aroudn the thought of how to maintain. So, I am beginning a little early, not too early but enough I can start to see a vague picture of what I want and how I will do it gradually emerge from the shadows.

My husband reminded me today about how I went to the US (when we were engaged) and still lost weight while eating the same foods everyone was eating. He asked me how I did that. I thought back and you know what, it is true. I was on vacation and I ate what everyone else was eating, even desert but the thing I did different was how much I ate. When my mother gave me the pie, I told her a small piece and then I only ate a few bites and left the rest. When I ate supper, I ate about half of it and left the other half and was satisfied . Doing this, Iw as able to lose weight. So, it is how much we eat, portion size. So, now, I am thinking of things and how much to eat of them. There are a few things I will avoid. Like, I think it is better to avoid ice cream. Love it too much and besides, have trouble with lactose so why hurt myself. Why not just buy a popsicle, fruit kind. They are healthy for me and sweet. Why buy danishes. They are full of sugar, bad fat and refined carbs. Nothing of it is good for you. What about a whole grain bagel with a little bit of fruit cream cheese. Sweet, satisfying and still healthy. This is what I am doing now. I am thinking along these lines. Dumplings, love them. So, order all veggie ones and only order one order. One order is about 6. I use to order at least four orders and eat them all. So, only do one order, that is normal portion. Then , eat about five and stay with that. I can do this. Just takes thinking and planning.

So, keep your chins up, you can do it!

It has been such a journey of weight loss for me. I can’t belevie how successful I have been at getting it off and I thank GOD for helping me every step of the way. Without HIS strength, I could not have made it on. Many contact me and tell me they are amazed at how I do it and how well I seem. But you know, I have my weak moments also> I don’t talk about it that much because I guess I am trying to work it out and figure it out but sometimes, there are questions I am tryign to figure out but can’t do it by myself. This question has come up for me sevearl times in my journey but yesterday really raised its pointed head. I am a thief. Why do I say that? Because I, like a thief, ama  good personin the light, when others are watching me but come time when others are gone and nobody can see me, the sneaking urge comes on me with strength like a drug addict needing his next fix. I have very little trouble with this feeling at any other times but come a time when I am alone, no matter what time of day or night it is, that little bugger will rear its ugly head. I realize it comes from years of habit. People could never understand how I gained so much weight when I ate so normal but what they did not know is when nobody could see me, I would eat. I can remember making a box of pudding or mac and cheese and then going to my room and eating it all by myself. Or when I was nursing my youngest at night and I would eat cookies every time i passed them till in two or three wake ups, they would be gone that morning. After I gained my weight, I just could not stop. I would pass by the store and buy so much and then when my husband left AFTER we already ate lunch, then I would take out all the cookies, candy, chocolate and other things and hten eat it in one swoop. Then, ,later in the afternoon, I would make eggs, or other things to eat. Goodness only knows why I wasn’t as big as a barn! I still fight with these urges. I have been told they are habit but are they? It takes, what a month to break a habit. It has been many many  months now and I do other things to replace the eating but I still get the urges when nobody is home. I keep busy but it is always there in the back of my mind, lurking, waiting to sneak in that window and do things it is not suppose to do. Am I doomed to a lifetime of always fighting this thief, always watching for it and always knowing when the lights are out and nobody is home, it will come out? Right now, everyone is home and they are enjoying a feast(bil and sil is here) and I am fine but if they were to go to the park and leave me a lone,t hen I would struggle. What is wrong with me mentally? hmmmm.

But other then that, I am fine. Went shopping again today and bought some things. This is the 2nd time I bought something and I am just on cloud nine. I can fit into a skirt now!! I just can’t beleive it!! And there were some that were too big. Now that has never never happened in the ten years I have been here! I bought a cute sweater to go with it and then a dress. I am just so pleased with the results and being able to shop. So few can ever understand the pleasure it gives me to actually be able to shop and find normal clothes that fit me. For you guys, you know all you have to do is lose a little weight and your main thing is just to buy smaller sizes but for me, it was just being able to buy ANYTHING! I could not fit into anything from bras, underwear, long johns, clothes, skirts and my coat, I had to buy a large jacket from the US to cover my down coat because even in the largest size, it would not button all the wya and would not zip. Imagine living like that and knowing you can’t buy anything is your clothes go bad. Now, I can and it is sweet success. So, last night when I was having a bit of a pity party of , why me, I looked in the mirror at myself and knew, it was worth it, I am worth it! When my sis in law saw the sweater and wonder who would wear it, I was tickled to say, me me, I am thin enough to now. She was also telling me at her wedding, one of the men there could not take his eyes off of me and asked her about me and was very interested. Wow, it has been so long since a man was attracted to me. Wow