From Cocoon to butterfly

As I get closer to my goal, I am thinking more and more about how to become a TO (thin others) and have been talking more to other people. Even today I was speaking to a chinese english teacher (who by the way, doeesn’t use English go figure) and we were talking about me losing weight. I asked her how she kept thin when she ate the things she did and she just laughed but I did something that was startling to me. I admited to her, that she was able to snack because she could eat just one cookie but for me I had to have the whole pack. I have never admitted that publically to anyone and to do it, showed just how much I am becoming aware of myself and how I need to change.  But the insight did not come from her but from my aunt. My aunt was heavy when she was in her late teens and she lost it and has kept it off all these years. I was talking to her on the phone about some things with weight and I asked her if we can ever eat normal again.  She said something that just got into my head, “no, I alwasy feel like I am being punished because I can’t eat the way I want to eat”. I don’t know why that was so earth shattering to me but it was. She is a TO but she has the same trouble as I do. She also has to watch what she eats all the time and can’t just indulge the way she wants. This showed me that for the rest of my life, there can be no slack, there can be no relaxing my guard. It must be liek that always. I was also telling her my plan about perhaps keeping within a five pound limit and she said, no way. What to do is every single morning, weigh yourself. When you see a gain, even for that day, then that day, get back on plan. You can still have that piece of cake, when  you are at the weight you need but the next day, back on plan. Always aware and ready to do battle. She said, if you do it that way, it comes off easy but if you wait a few days, it turns into weeks and then months and then over 100 pounds again.

Hmm, I thought that was good reasoning because I can’t eat reduction plan all my life but when I think of it the way she is talking, I can do that but it means always being aware, never relaxing and letting one day go to the next without action and more then that, not going crazy. If you want a piece of chocolate, get a piece but stop there. DOn’t eat anymore and back on plan right after that. That is something I have to learn and I will. I wonder if I should carry a before pic of me just so I have it to remind myself. Just don’t understnad, why does it take a week to lose two pounds but one day to put on many? Crazy isn’t it? But I have to accept my body is this way. I can never change it no matter how much weight I lose and if I want to keep the weight off, I have to accept what I have to do. Just liek college, nobody forces you to college but we still go, We stil undergo the pain of lectures, tests and papers. We know it has to be done and there is no getting around it and so it is the same with keeping the weight off. My aunt also told me that I should drop about 5 to 7 pounds below my goal weight because once back in the salt and oil, it will go up on that just normally. So have to thik about that.

Other then this, the other news was so depressing. I miss my family so much right now and what I would not give to be back to see them now. My brother’s wife was pregnant and the baby died so they have to do an abortion to get it out, she was four months. I am so sad for her and it makes me want to snatch up my little one and just hug her close for safty. I wish I had the right words to tell her how I feel but when you lose a baby, no matter how young, how can you , what can you say? I wish I was there. I also talked with my grandfather a little bit, he is not a phone person and it made me just want to cry. I miss him so much! He is my rock. I lost my grandmother last year and I am so afraid to lose him. He hates I am so far away but he is more proud of me then any of the other grandchildren, he is my hero and role model. I will not be back to see him till 2010, such a long time but those tickets are so expensive, and add three kids to that! WHew! It is hard to not be in the loop with the family. To always think about how it use to be but when you go back, things have changed so much. I am sure I have changed also but it still is hard to accept. Christmas is coming and that is a time I have a lot of trouble with depression. It is better now that I have a family and kids that love christmas as much as I do> I try and decorate and do things as much as I can for it but I miss the way it use to be back home. But if I went back home for christmas, I would hate it because it isn’t the christmas that I remmeber. The family does’t all get together now at my grandmother’s house. They go to my cousin’s house. My grandmother isn’t there now. More kids are there. The food is not the same. Mom and dad don’t go anymore (family politics)  and economy is bad so what kind of presents can you expect. Not that I am selfish, in fact, I don’t get presents for christmas from my kids because I rather spend for them but the christmas I remember is the one with mountains fo presents waitinf for us to unwrap and play. Goodness, just the unwrappng was the best part of it. So, I think of those days. I could not handle going back from what it was to what it is now. I have to preserve it in my heart and make my own traditions here.

Besides, at least here I am safe from all those christmas goodies! That would be hard to deal with! And I want to hit my goal in Jan or Feb. hopefully.

I know the latter part of this blog is a bit downcast but I will be alright. I just worry for my brother and for my family a lot.