From Cocoon to butterfly

With food that is. I was thinking about it the other day. I was in the countryside for a dinner and I really wasn’t hungry and I went outside and took 15 minutes by myself to think about why I did not want to go crazy and eat everyting in sight. At first, it was hard. I could not beleive it, why would it be so hard to remember how I felt when I was fat and how hard it was for me. It took a little thinking but I finally got over it and was fine once I started remember what and how I felt now. it hit me then that I was in an abusive relationship with food.

I have been in one relationship that really went bad and that is what I am drawing my conclusions from. When I first met this guy, perfect gentleman, went to church, treated his mother so good and could play the piano like a dream. I got involved with him and at first, it was perfectly innocent. But little by little, I got sucked in. He made me very dependent on him, isolated me from all friends and family and very jealous. Then he made anything bad that happened to always be my fault. I thought that without me, he would get worse and worse because he made me beleive that. He twisted my thinking up really bad to where I let him do my thinking instead of arguing with him. Later on, I found out he was an alcoholic and did drugs like cocaine and worse. By then, I could not get out and could  not think independently from him. This is the short version by the way. It took the intervention of friends to get me out of there and start my feet back on the right path but it was so hard. He cheated on me, paid hookers to do stuff and whatever. While in the relationship, it was terrible and I was in depression all the time and beleived it all my fault. But the crazy thing is, once I broke it off with him, I remember more of the good stuff. The bad stuff fades from the memory.  My relationship with food is the same way.

When we first met, food was so innocent, it could not hurt me. I was in control. Everything was good for awhile but then food started to gain control all the while I thought I was in control, I wasn’t. Little by little, I let food do the thinking for me. “you feel angry, eat xxxx” You are so depressed, you deserve to eat xxx” and I listened and stop being independent from food. As time went by, I could not get myself out of the relationship and got sucked in more and more. Food was abusive to me. At first, come on baby, just take a bite, you have the control right? Then when I took a bite and then another and then anotehr, I could not stop. Then food got abusive, how could you have eaten that whole package of cookies, look at you, so fat and ugly! No body could ever want you! And I beleived food. Icould  not stop this relationship withoiut help. I got help thank you 6wbm! But I find occasionally, food wants back in my life. Tells me I have control now and as with all bad relationships, the bad has faded some and I remember the good. GOod feeling when you eat xxx, how easy it was to be able to eat anything I wanted, how I felt loved when I took a bite of xxx. So, now I realized, I was in an abusive relationship with food. And food is very jealous, food doesn’t want to let me go and I have to be so careful or I will be sucked into that again. I have to keep in mind the things that happened and how I felt. I have to remmber that foood is not alone but alwasy brings his friends, depression, fat and no confidence with him when he comes. And he doesn’t just leave once he is done, he wants total control and will stay forever if you don’t kick him out. It takes a lot of strength to fight food and it isn’t a fight that can be done alone, we have to have help, support and friends throughout the journey. So I realize now that food was an abusive boyfriend and lover. I have to get away and keep interaction to a minimal, only when needed. I can’t let him take over again!