From Cocoon to butterfly

I always loved to read Christie’s blog about butterflys because it is much like mine. I also think of myself in a cocoon breaking forth into a butterfly. But, I am afraid of flying, I am afraid of being hat butterfly because they have such a short lifespan, will I? I have always found goals to be the most important thing in my journey. I see other peoples goals, buying things was nothing for me, new hairdo, I haen’t cut my hair in over 10 years and other things. I was not one for rewarding myself unless it had to do with food and since I obviously could not do that, I had to think of other things as you can see by my list of goals for my siggy. They mean the most to me. To wear an outfit I haven’t had on in years, that is such a reward that keeps on giving even after the day. But it got me thinking, what would be my reward for reaching my last goal, my goal weight? YOu inow something, I have never really listed nor thought of that. I am thinking about it now but not in a good way. I was chatting with someone on another thread and she hit on some really sensitive points in my life. I had been talking about how 8it bothered me that so many people kept telling me to stop losing weight and she was saying that soon people would start saying, why lose weight because you are just going to gain it and then she asked, what would I do to protect myself when this happened. It really struck home to me. You know why I haven’t set a reward for myself for goal wieght? Because, in the back of my mind, I feel like I will not get there. I am going to be really honest here. I still have my fat clothes. I am scared to death to get rid of them. Everytime I have gotten rid of my fat clothes, I gain it back and have nothing to wear. This did not happen one time, two times but multiple times! So I keep them. My mother always makes remarks about me losing but always regaining, deflecting my ovbious desire for her to be proud of me for losing because in her mind, I have done this so many times before, how will I make it different. So, that is my thinking now, how iwll I make it different now? I am so terrified about goal. Can I really get there and more importantly, can I stay there? I talk with my husband about how to eat when I get to goal and I do have somewhat of an outline in my head but outlimne and the actually thing is pretty different! I am trying to put things up in my mind to get ready. One is to get below 150, haven’t done that since a very very very long time and that gets me away from that cursed number that haunts me. I feel when I do that, success and over a roadblock. But what else can I do, I have no idea. To me, goal wieght is like a different country. Sure, someone can tell you all about the country, you can look at pictures and read stories but until you get there, you will never trully understand or see what is really there. So I feel that I have no idea how to prepare for goal. I am slowly getting a plan together about living lean but hearing it, reading it is different then living it. So, how do I get over this road block, this fear. All I can think of is to just have a plan in action when I do burst forth from the cocoon. A butterfly never thinks, ok, when I get out, I will be dying soon. Nope, they fly around, do their thing and live the short life they have to the fullest. I guess I will have to do the same thing. Have the plan ready for when I hit goal and just do it. Make my life the fullest it can be and continue on.