From Cocoon to butterfly

If only I had some real scripture to go for that and make it flee. Usually I don’t have much trouble with this monster. Yes, when I am sending the kids to school and going to work, I get assailed by all the delicious smells out there but other then that, I am find and I have no problem just walking away. But for the past few days, I don’t know, the calling was a bit stronger. Not strong enough to pull me but enough just to notice. And I don’t like that. Why am I doing that? What is going on mentally with me to make me feel that? It isn’t that I am not busy enough because I sure have enough to keep me busy but there just are times where it really hangs on me, where I think about how I could eat anything and everything when I was fat. No, don’t want to go there but it is so easy to just let go and eat without thinking. YOu know what I mean? I know I am faced with the inevitably factor that I will have to eat like this all my life. Having to always think before eating and eat healthy. But my mind wanders to that ice cream or cake and I think but that is all but thinking is bad enough. What is in a man’s heart .. you know the verse. I don’t want this to get in my heart. You think about things long enough, it will get there and it will reveal itself so I want to uproot it. But how? I am hoping by blogging and gradually looking at everyting, I can find the spade that can dig it out. I wonder if I am subconciously  trying to sabatoge myself? I have always had so much trouble in the 150’s. Always when I get down there, I succome to temptation and end up gaining it all back. I have done this so many times I can’t even count them. So maybe, I am doing this to myself. An unconcious fear of getting below 150. But you know what, I am going to get over this hurdle. What does an athlete do that does hurdles? There is one high one that he is having trouble with> yes, it would be easier just to forget about it. Doing the lower ones are easier and can be done without much more practice. Done it this way for years so I will not push myself to be better. NO, he never says that. He picks himself off and starts practicing. Jump, miss, Ok, do this again, jump , miss. He keeps going until he becomes better and better until JUMP                        SUCCESS!  He doesn’t stay with what he has already done, he keeps pushing himself to do what he has never done. That is what I must do. 150 is my hurdle that I have jumped and missed many times but this time, it is time to set my record, to beat my old way, to jump and then success over that hurdle and snack monster, yu are not going to stop me. You are my competition. YOu want the awards and the cheering but this time, you are not going to get it, I am! I am going for first place, for the gold! Watch me win!!

Ohh, I feel much better now. Hmm, maybe blogging is best.

An I showing my age? heheh, Use to love that song but I really do feel it does tell what I feel. Had a really good weigh in today and it hit several mile stones of mine. For one, in 2006, I lost a lot of weight and only got to about 156 or more pounds so today marks me being lower then I was  when I lost weight the first time. That is such a milestonme because the 150’s are like the number 13 to other people. The other reason it is a milestone is that I haven’t been this low since I got engaged almost nine years ago. Can you imagine! I have been over that weight for almost nine years! Boggles my mind. When I got engaged, I got down to 149 and then bounced right up so my next milestone for my6self is to get to 148! By slowly hitting these, I am slowly convincing myself that I am actually going to make it! And I am so excited! All my light clothes are bec oming too baggy/big on me and my husband was trying to convince me to go shopping but I don’t want to because the season change is coming upon us for one so anything I buy for now, I can only wear for a short time before it is cold. 2. I am still reducing so I will have a new baggy clothes if I buy them now so I rather wa8it. I told him to hang unto his money until spring and then I will have the utmost pleasure of lightening his load at that time heheh. I could even get into my chinese wedding clothes from when we got married, wow! It has been just dancing! And now I know all my winter clothes fit bec ause they were all made around this point. Now, once I get below 149, well, then my winter clothes will get baggy but since we have to bulk layor our clothes, I don’t forsee a major problem. But I do feel really great! A journey well woth making!

I always loved to read Christie’s blog about butterflys because it is much like mine. I also think of myself in a cocoon breaking forth into a butterfly. But, I am afraid of flying, I am afraid of being hat butterfly because they have such a short lifespan, will I? I have always found goals to be the most important thing in my journey. I see other peoples goals, buying things was nothing for me, new hairdo, I haen’t cut my hair in over 10 years and other things. I was not one for rewarding myself unless it had to do with food and since I obviously could not do that, I had to think of other things as you can see by my list of goals for my siggy. They mean the most to me. To wear an outfit I haven’t had on in years, that is such a reward that keeps on giving even after the day. But it got me thinking, what would be my reward for reaching my last goal, my goal weight? YOu inow something, I have never really listed nor thought of that. I am thinking about it now but not in a good way. I was chatting with someone on another thread and she hit on some really sensitive points in my life. I had been talking about how 8it bothered me that so many people kept telling me to stop losing weight and she was saying that soon people would start saying, why lose weight because you are just going to gain it and then she asked, what would I do to protect myself when this happened. It really struck home to me. You know why I haven’t set a reward for myself for goal wieght? Because, in the back of my mind, I feel like I will not get there. I am going to be really honest here. I still have my fat clothes. I am scared to death to get rid of them. Everytime I have gotten rid of my fat clothes, I gain it back and have nothing to wear. This did not happen one time, two times but multiple times! So I keep them. My mother always makes remarks about me losing but always regaining, deflecting my ovbious desire for her to be proud of me for losing because in her mind, I have done this so many times before, how will I make it different. So, that is my thinking now, how iwll I make it different now? I am so terrified about goal. Can I really get there and more importantly, can I stay there? I talk with my husband about how to eat when I get to goal and I do have somewhat of an outline in my head but outlimne and the actually thing is pretty different! I am trying to put things up in my mind to get ready. One is to get below 150, haven’t done that since a very very very long time and that gets me away from that cursed number that haunts me. I feel when I do that, success and over a roadblock. But what else can I do, I have no idea. To me, goal wieght is like a different country. Sure, someone can tell you all about the country, you can look at pictures and read stories but until you get there, you will never trully understand or see what is really there. So I feel that I have no idea how to prepare for goal. I am slowly getting a plan together about living lean but hearing it, reading it is different then living it. So, how do I get over this road block, this fear. All I can think of is to just have a plan in action when I do burst forth from the cocoon. A butterfly never thinks, ok, when I get out, I will be dying soon. Nope, they fly around, do their thing and live the short life they have to the fullest. I guess I will have to do the same thing. Have the plan ready for when I hit goal and just do it. Make my life the fullest it can be and continue on.

Sitting here waiting for my snack. Not really hungry but home and bored with three kids, yikes! But I need my snack, pineapple and chicken. Things are going really well on my weight loss. I am getting more branched out in doing things. I don’t just concentrate on my weight loss anymore. It is still there and my priority but I have other things that are keeping me really busy now so I am able to just go on auto drive because I know what I should eat and when and such. I am very happy to finally see a 5 on my weight chart. Haven’t beein there in a little while so I like that. I have a lot of goals but after meeting them, I have to redefine my goals so I keep them in front of me at all times. It is important to e to have them be ause they help keep things crisp and defined. That way, when that bread calls my name, I have a goal to answer that call. For example:

Rachel, come eat me. I am fresh and good!

Me: hmm, my mini goal is coming up soon and if I eat you I can’t make it

Bread: Don’t worry, you will still reach it. Having a bite of me is what you need right now

Me: no, I really don’t think so. I have some clothes in my closet that I want to get into by the time winter comes

And it continues. I like having an answer to every demand that ick throws at me!

Goals:

Get my last two avis out of layaway. When I first started, I had like, over 50 I lost (each avi is 5 pounds) and I have been slowly taking them out and now, I only have two more to take out, the 100 and the 105 and then, I start getting brand spanking new ones, I can’t wait!

Fit into all my winter clothes. There are some skirts I still can’t get into, ok, I can but they are tight. I want to get into every article of clothing I have in my closet!

Then I want to get too small for all the clothes in my closet, can we say “shopping!”

I want to get out of the size 7 underwear and into the sixes and then the fives!  To the point I have no more smaller sizes saved up from years before

Did I say “shopping!” ?

Reach my next minigoal of 151

Reach below 149 will put me below what I was when I was engaged 9 years ago

Get to 135lbs will put me at the lowest weight I ever have been since 9th grade!

Then onward to goal!

Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts. — Coleman Cox 

This is a good quote. I really like this. Makes me think about history, wars to be exact. So many of us know the big battles that it took to “win” the war but in fact, I feel that it wasn’t the big battle that won the war, it was all the little battles that happened before that set the stage for the victory for the last war. It is the little steps that matter, not the one last big step. It is the little steps that prepare us to win that one last battle toward victory. It is the little battles that teach the generals how to fight, what the weaknesses and strengths of the enemy is, where to fitgt and so on. Many of us start this plan with enormous pride and arrogance, yep, we are goin to do it, we are going to get this weight off. Much like the confederets during the war, they were very cocky, yep, we are going to win this war, we are going to beat back the northerners and so on. But they did this without using their heads, without thinking about the weaknesses and strengths the enemy would be using. The north won in the end. We are the same. Anyone can use their heart but it will only last so long, The passion will slowly die away in the face of that pie or chocolate. We have to be a general to our body. Ok, we want to lose wieght and we have to be in it for the long haul. Did General Sherman just up and quit when he lost a few battles? Nope, he learned from his mistakes and fought better. General Lee the same thing. Yes, we will make mistakes but we have to learn our enemy from this mistake. We have to learn how to fight those urges and cravings. Our body is our enemy at times, our mind is the battlefield and we have to be ready to go in there to win! Ok, how did I go from woodpecker to war? I guess it is much of the same concept. What makes a woodpecker choose a particular tree? The size of it? The height? Or just the color? No, he is looking for bugs, he can detect them and  starts to go after them. He knows he will not have the success right away. Those bugs burrow in that tree and are hard to catch but he keeps at it, using his head. We know where our bugs are, bugs of chocolate, cheesecake or just late night eating /stress eating. We must whittle away at the defenses and get rid of that bug. We can’t quit when tims get rough as they will but we have to keep going. Weight is the same thing. I occasionally peruse through some of the boards around here and I will see a common theme come up among some, why am I not losing fast enough, why is it taking so long and so on. We have to keep pecking away. No one even noticed my weight loss till I lost about 80 pounds! It doesn’t matter, what matters is to k3eep going! Never stopping till it is done. The woodpecke4r doesn’;t use an axe to chop the tree down, he slowly chps at it It seems to take a long time but time doesn’t mattr to him becxause he is on a quest and he is going to do it, there is no doubt in his mind that he will do it. We have to be the same way. There is no magic pill nor food we can eat that will “chop” the weight off of us. We have to chip away. Sure, the beginning seems like it takes forever but by and by, it does add up. When I first started, having my avi8 at “on my way” which means, 0 lose. It killed me but chipping away at it, little by little, it has slowly added up the pile of wood chips till they now number over 95, that is pecking away. No matter what, keep it in front of you, you will get to it!

Life have been pretty good,really good actually. Finished up my first week at the school and now starting hte second week. I was worried before I started but now I am slowly getting into the swing of things with teaching them and how to teach the primary. I am just so thankful to have those cd’s and such. Had a good weigh in., lost 1 kg which is normal but I like that pretty good. Hard to beleive that I am so close to 100 pounds! This puts me to just getting out two more old avis out of layaway and then I get to start having new avis!! I can’t wait. I am excited about all of this very much. By next week, I will be in the 150s! and then by next month I will be in the 60 kgs! I haven’t been there since I was engaged, over eight years ago almost nine and even then, just to 68 kg and no less. I can’t wait! I measured myself yesterdeay after three weeks and I am now seeing the inches going on my bottom half. Still some on my top half but more on the bottom half and that makes me feel much better about those thunder thighs! I am excited about my weight loss, and glad for it because I have been having munchie attacks every day. DOn’t know why. Not hungry, checked my hunger gadge every time but just feel like snacking. Wondering if having my period coming up may factor in it so I am putting this down in my blog and see if I can trace it and if so, I will know what to watch for next time.

I was reading a quote frm Oprah Winfrey about someone telling her not to lose weight or she might lose her personality and she replied, “honey, my personality isn’t in my thighs” It got me to thinking about personality changes though. More specifically, when we lose weight, do we have personality changes? I know many who have gone through gastric bypass surgery and their personality drastically changes. So, is personalty changed by weight loss or even weight gain? Or, when the weight melts off, our real personality shines through instead of being hid behind all the fat? I honestly don’t know. I can only go by my own experience. Since losing weight, I am more upbeat and confident. I am not scared so much with trying new things. I am not as shy as before. Do we change because we feel better about ourselves? What about those who lose so much weight very rapidly and then have a drastic change? I really don’t know but I do know we view ourselves much as everyone views us. It is wrong, yes because we are who we are but we let ourselves be fit into a mold by others and then view ourselves from that mold they put us in. Fat people usually think they are not so pretty , why? “oh, you would be so pretty if…. You have such a pretty face if… and so on. We have all heard these old adages. When we go out to buy clothes, can we find those pretty cute clothes they have for the thin women? Or do they have the flowered, colored, boring, swimming in the arm pad clothes? We think we are not pretty because society views us that way. So, does our personality change because society now accpets us. I will freely admit I am more confident because others are accepting me more and more. I have my own way but I also listen to society.  I am still me but i hope to be better.