From Cocoon to butterfly

Comfort Foods”

“We often call it comfort food,but for millions of Americans, it is not comforting at all. Many people fail to make the connection,how and what we eat has a direct affect on our moods.  Not only is our consumption affecting us from moment to moment throughout the day, but bad eating habits can contribute to long-term mood troublesof all kinds, including depression.”

–From Bottom Line’s “Daily Health News”

This reminds me of what I was thinking last night. We went to the Metro (a german based supermarket ) and I was looking over the junk food section. My husband was asking why I did that an I told him that when I look at it, it gives me a feeling like coming home. Comfort is another word for it I suppose. I asked myself, why is that when I look at veggies or fruits, that feeling doesn’t come but when I look at junk food, why do they taste so darn good and always make you feel good,… momentarily. Now, that is a good question. Ahh, when I am eating something right then, it tastes and feels great but a few minutes later, I regret doing it. I revel in that feeling of the moment much like a drug addict likes the high he gets before he crashes and you know what, that is exactly what junk food has become to us. Our drug of choice. We shovel it in when we need that high but afterwards, we crash and sometimes we crash hard. I have to admit, I am a drug addict when it comes to food because here is no control for me. Although I am full , I stil have to continue till whatever I am eating is gone. And then, I crash hard with the sugar overload and overfull stomach. But, we keep coming back and doing it over and over. That was a big reason I hated myself because I could not stop and it wasn’t just to comfort, it was all the time! It lead me to a spirel of depression to be renewed day after day. I don’t know about the chemical affect but the phycological affect is devastating. Just like a drug addict. My ex finacee was a drug addict. His progress was this. He started with something small but harmless. In time, he wanted more. He looked for something a little bigger. Then the drive became uncontrollable and it would force him to keep looking for bigger and bigger highs. He hated himself for doing it, but it was uncontrollable. He lost everything including me but that drive overcame him every time, he had no control over it. He snuck around and did not like anyone to know. We are like that. WE start with somethng small at first A piece of this or that and we are please with our self control. We can handle this and that feeling did feel good, kinda like that first kiss on a date. Ok, we can handle something small and it does’t feel as good but if I can handle that, I can handle something bigger and so, we fool ourselves into believe we can handle it. Thngs daily snowball till we are binging and out of control but trying to hide it but our figure we can’t hide. WE sink into deprssion over what we have done yet we can’t control it when it happens again. The only way we can get out of it is with help just as a drug addict. This is wehre this plan and forum comes in. We can’t do it by ourselves, we need help and we need to openly confess, Hello, I’m Rachel and I’m a food/sugar/ick addit!  I know I can’t go back and have “just one piece” Just one taste or anything like that. I remmber making a christmas dinner for a group of students with all the trimmings and ick. (cost me a bundle!) and I invited a teacher from the US to join us. He and I spentso much time arguing that I should indulge and eat some. Someone who has never been an addict doesn’t understand. But here, on the forums, everyone dos understand. Ok, not to be offensive but going to say this. Over here, most everyone is pretty healthy. There are a few overweight but really not that many. Whne I go back to visiit in the US, I am shocked! Literally shocked at how many overweight people there are in the US and all the junk we eat and all the bad food we eat or good food drowing in bad stuff we eat. If you live in he US, this doesn’t really stike you as much but we are an overweight nation for sure. You can go out anytime to buy big clothes, the chairs are made bigger, the portions are bigger, there are drive throughs to make it quicker and easier to get that fix, shoot, even the hospitals are expanding for the overweight people. It is easy to become complacent or at least to listen to that voice that says, I don’t care. When I first go to the US, I am shocked about it but after a week, two weeks , three weeks, it becomes easier to “forget” how big I am. To buy that huge thing of ick and eat it, to eat ick after meals every time. So, I am glad to have this plan to help me get on track, to gain control and to fight the uge of an addict. Notice, I did not say, stop being an addict, that will never happen but I can control myself.

When I got back from my exercise class, my husband and I were in bed and he asked me a good question. Why did I all of a sudden start doing thing different. I asked him what exactly he meant (because you know that men and women think different) and he said that I was learning the pipa(instrument) and also starting this exercise class. Things I would have done before but now I am doing more and more. I had to pause to think about that. Why indeed? Why did I not do that before? Why did I feel I could do it now? Well, it got me to think ing about purpose and this quote came up…. 

One way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life.
Cyril Connolly

This gave me sevearl thoughts but let’s see if I can get them mapped iout well. I think of this statement as ssaying, being thin can not be your purpose for life. So many of us ladies have struggled with weight all of our lives and it slowly becomes the main focus of our lives is to lose weight and be thin, . For some, they think that that magic number contains all the wisdom of the ages and answers to all lifes problesm but it really doesn’t end there. We will always have to fight. I admit, sometimes I get a little wary of approaching goal. Once I hit it, what will I do because I have always been so focused on losing. But nowadays, I admit, that is becoming less and less of a worry. One, because the problem will be staying at goal but also because my purpose in life is slowly growing branches. Yes, I am still losing weight but I am finding new things to sink my teeth in other then ick. LOL  These few months have been getting better and better. I could not tell you why but I think with my weight loss, confidence is coming back and with confidenc I feel like a cat who looks in the mirror and sees a lion, I can do so much and nothing can hold me back. I have re established a purpose in my life. I am now trying to look better, I am trying to learn the pipa( music) , I have a new job that will start next Monday that is a challenge and I love to rise to the challenge. I have to recreate new lessons, lesson plans, songs and such. I just found a great website that is helping me do that and now I am feeling better and looking forward to that. My DD’s ballet teacher has taken an interest in me and my weight journey and has been talking to me about toning and getting whittled down with exercies that combine toning and ballet. Not easy guys but it is something that interests me and I want to do it. . All these are purposes in life. I am trying to teach my kids more and more about God and I am trying to learn more. I am always trying to learn Chinese and as my free time opens, I will be doing that again. So, I have muli purposes in my life and I love it! Getting thin is not my purpose in life anymore, it is just one of those branches that make up the whole tree. Chop a branch off and the tree doesn’t look so good and some may even whither so it is important but I feel if we have a strong purpose to drive us, we then feel stronger in losing weight. Once we start to find other purposes, being thin becomes just one of them not the ONE purpose in our lives. We need this because once we reach goal, we have all kinds of things to keep us going. If we don’t, we will feel lost.

Yep, that was a mouthful but that was just what it was all mixed together. And it sure is a workout! Guess I should start at the beginning. My daughter is taking ballet lessons now and I accompany her to there and then take notes so I k now what she should practice at home. Since it is still before school starts, we have class everyday. Well, the ballet teacher really likes my daughter because she can do a lot of the things and she loves ballet and learns it pretty quickly. Well, she found out that I had lost so much weight (and still losing) and has taken me under her wing. She started to ask me about what kind of toning exercises I do and so on and looked at my arms and such (bat wings!) She invited me to come to her class that is on Mnd, tues and Friday. I declined at first but then got intersted and went to watch. Wow, although it is just an hour, it is jammed packed with things and quite a workout! So, tonight I decided to go and actively participate. NO easy feat considering I don’t do that kind of thing, never stepped foot in a gym before, can’t do ballet and am the only foreigner there. But I knew I needed something extra to go with my diet and walking because 1. bat wings and 2. legs turning to jelly. PLus, I actually like it. I was a bit nervous at first but I got into it. I kno0w I had to look the fool because there was so much I did not know how to do but I tried and that is the best thing to do. I sweated buckets but I kept up with what I co9uld do although I did get confused with what foot when where and what the arms did. I steadfastedly avoided seeing myself in the mirror and only concentrated on the teacher. It wasn’t too bad. The other students were a bit surprised to see me but after another class, I will be just another person to them and that is good. The teacher keeps her eye on me(made me go tot he front of the class) so I get my muscles stretched where they need it  ie. arms, stomach and legs. Leg lifts, whew, that was fun! haha as in funny to see me but I feel invigorated, I feel more energy. I know that this mixed with my weight loss will fit well.

LIFE ISN’T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS…..
IT’S ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN!

How many of us have really danced in the rain? Most people would say no. When it starts to rain, they head inside and just sigh, wondering when the rain will stop. But me, I will admit, I love the rain. Especially when it is a heavy rain because then it starts to puddle on the groud like a river. I remember in college, seeing it raining and then going out behind my apt and just playing in the rain and have a great time. Great stress reliever! Most don’t want to because to get out there means getting into the rain, getting wet, feeling the rain and looking silly but everyone secretly wishing they were you. Others just wait out the storm, wanting to be safe and out of the weather. How does this pertain to weight loss, it makes me think of all the excuses I have made or have heard from peooploe about why they haven’t started or better yet, why they were quitting. Everyone thinks that to lose weight, life must be perfect. So many fail because something bad happens in life and they just quit, jump off the wagon because “someone came to visit, I was asked out to eat, TOM is here, My DH quit his job” and so on. Now, these are some serious things and yes, life is not always smooth, ok, life is never smooth. We expect that at work and when things go bad at work, do we just quit, no, we work through the storm. Why is it when we are losing weight, we just quit and let life beat us? Because we feel safe with our food and our weight. WE don’t want to get wet and look silly in front of others. We take the easy way out instead of joining the storm and riding it out. Many people have asked me how I can live in China and it’s culture because it is hugely different then US’s culture. Many have come here and been unhappy with the change. I tell them because I have to be like a reed in the river. The reed grows tall and straight but it is flexible. When the water is going so fast, it bends. Yes, sometimes storms come and cover the reed and you would think the reed would drown but it doesn’t, it stays there and when the water starts to recede, it is back up there again, proud and tall. When the winds start to blow, it blows where the wind takes it. But the most important thing, it is flexible but it never moves from where it is planted. In weight loss, we must be like that, have ourselves planted firmly and not move from there. Sometimes things will happen but we have to learn how to bend to them, flow with them. Yes, sometimes the storms will cover us but if we just wait out the storm, one day we will be standing tall and straight again. And the best thing, reeds are thin!! Let’s be a reed!

It has been a little while since posting but this site is really slow in my area. I can get onto other websites but this one is causing me problems at the moment so haven’t been blogging as much . Weight loss is going well. Made my mini goal and have set a new one. This new one is one I am very very excited about because it is one pound lighter then I got before I was pregnant with my last baby(who is almost 11months now)  So, to get there is so exciting for me. I am slowly changing my mentality. Sometimes , yes, I would love to eat some junk food or something but I have to remind myself, am I eating to live or living to eat. By asking that, it puts things in perspective for me so much. Only I can change myself so I have to be in control of what I eat and how I eat. Once I get to the next minigoal, I am setting the next one at 148, I havent’ been there since before I got married, about eight years ago! So, who is it up to to get to that goal?

Girl you know what you have to do and only you can do it…..so stop playing!”

Msmbamis (Adrienne)Journal your thoughts about THIS quote!I like this quote. It says a lot in just one sentence. First, I know what I have to do. All of us know what we have to and how we have to do it. We can lie and declare we are innocent and we really don’t know but deep down , we know. How many years have I stayed so fat and declared that I really did not care and really did not know how to lose weight but in reality, that chocolate going to my lips gave me my answer. WE know what needs to be done and we can’t wait for anyone else to do it, only WE can do it. Nobody can do it for us. When I gained my weight back, my husband becaume a pain in my rear. He kept after me about what I ate, how I ate and how big I was and all that. I know he was trying to help but nobody can do it for you. Everything has to be determined by ourselves or it just will not work. Many told me, do it for your kids or for your _____ but that doesn’t work. I have to do it for me. I have to stop playing. Many of us procrastinate so much and in wieght loss, boy, I think we are all experts in playing and not really getting to it. I know that many people that I tell about how to lose weight, they can’t imagine never “gasp” having sugar or other things but the truth is, until you are willing to stop playing, relaly get serious, you can never have the results you want. Think about the athletes at the Olympics. You have those that play and run track or things like that but they can never become great because to them, it is playing, just for fun. But to be great, to make it to the olympics, it becomes work. Losing weight is not a walk in the park, it is work. It has to be worked on from all aspects, food, mentality, thinking and so on. Athletes can’t do the sport, flal one time and say, ok, that is it, I messed up so I am just quitting, never. They keep going, pick themselves up and learn fromt hat mistake. They learn how NOT to do that mistake again. They don’t say, ok, I have reached the peak and am doing my best so now I am taking a week off. Nope, they keep pushing hemselves like we are going to have to push ourselves when we get to goal. I can’t do the crazy day off, I have to keep going. Keep the structure. So, only I can do it, I just hae to get serious and eat to live and not live to eat!

Starting something is alw2ays easy. Starting a new habit, exercise, losing weight or just dating. When that newbie high has you in it’s grips and you can move mountains and leap buildings with a single bound. But day after day, life intrudes. Things are never perfect and imperfectiosn show up. Little by little, your motivation gets worn at and no matter how hard it is, the water will always wear down the stone. So, how to keep the encouragement? First, don’t let little things get you down. Someone is always worse off then you. Ok, you have to lose 100 pounds, well, look at the lady next to you, she has to lose more then that. Some women from another forum was complainiung about that they had lost 6 to 9 avis (each avi is 5 pounds each) I just laughed and told them not to let it get them down because what you lose, you can find. I had lost 53 avis! I did not let it get me down, ok, at first I did. When you had a 108 pounds and then you have to reset it back to 0, well, it did depress me because taht was a lot. But I did not let that be my guide. My guide was I had to take it step by step. Ok, o now but 5 next time and just keep going and it will get going. Now, I have my 85 avi today but will I stop to take a breather, oh now, my eye is always on the next one. I stay encouraged by always setting a goal just slightly out of reach but one I can reach. This way, each time I hit that goal, man, it is success! With each success, I feel more confident, more aware and more encouraged.

Another way I keep encouraged is to never look at the whole number of what I have to lose. Hmm, how to put it, I take out the logic process and put in a more material way of looking at it. For example. today I was wondering how much more weight I have to lose (I know, silly isn’t uit taht I really don’t know) and when I looked at the number,  a feeling of “still that much!” c ame over me for a second and then I shoved that sticking thinking out of my head and thought material instead. Hmm, I can now fit into most of my old nightgowns that were bought when I first married (lost till 150)  Today I put on my size 7 underwear that was running small a month ago and it fits great now! I have only 14 more pounds to go till I weigh less then I did before I got pregnant. Nobody has talked about how fat I am and how huge my butt is. I can cross my legs! I have to beat my husband off with a stick, he is always complimenting me and wanting to touch me. My children can wrap their arms around me now. I will be able to fit into all my winter clothes by winter (made before I got married)  My top is getting smaller and smaller and now my bottom half is finally going now!    
So, when I look at my loss in these material  aspects, well, I have already achieved so much!  Yes, I still have over 60 pounds to lose but what I have already done has been monumental to me and my self confidence, I actually like myself again althought I don’t love myself yet. When I get below 150, that will be a first for me and the rest will be exciting to watch how I change. MOre and more people are asking about weight loss and that makes me feel good to help others.

Another thing I do to encourage myself is to keep an eye out for the clothes that I will be buying and wearing. Notice, I use the word “will” not might, could or maybe but I tell myself in positive terms that I will and can get into clothes. I already found a dress that fits and that is just the start.

I try not to let food bother me. I am changing my thinking to wehre it isn’t live to eat but eat to live. There is no law saying I have to eat ice cream, chocolate or any other kinds of fattening food. I should and need to eat healthy food. It is my choice. Yes, I can continue eating them if I want to but I know what the results will be so I choose not too. There are some things I will choose not to add back even when at goal.  I do not look at it with dispair but with quiet determination because if I am to keep the shape I want, I will have to work at it and always watch it. The benefits far out weight the pleasures for the season.

So, these are some things I use to encourage myself. I think it is good to think about that so, what are your ways?

I had wanted to post this a few days ago but the site was so slow that I couldn’t. For those who don’t know why I am so excited about clothes fitting, let me explain. I have lived in China for a long time and all the clothes here are NOT made for a fat person. Even if you are a little heavy, you only can find the old lady clothes and if you are heavy like I was, there are just no clothes to be found. When I go into shops, they just look at me like an elephant in a China shop. Even at 155 pounds before, I still had a rough time of finding clothes. Well, I was out with my baby buying her some things and went to a shop and saw a dress that I liked. A bit short but nice. I asked if I could fit it. They measured the bodice and waist and then me and they were shocked, I could fit it. You see, I have a pear shaped body and my top has become very small but my bottom still has a lot of fat to it. But anyway, I tried it on and it fit and looked nice!!! I was very happy about that to find my first dress that would fit. I did not buy it because it was too short and showed my fat legs thus ruining hte effect bt I was so tickled pink that it fit!

Then, it gets even better! My mother sent me a bd gift, a dress for me. We struggled for some time to figure ot what size to get me because of trying to take in effect the time it takes to ship to her and then her to ship to me. I said to send me a size 14 but she went to a  12. I tried it on and guess what, yep, it fit! And looks nice. So, I am so tickled. So many wait for that newbie motivation to hit them again but fail to find it. That is because you can’t wait around for it, you have to actively go looking for it and you have to be the one who defines where you will find it. Do I still have my newbie motivation? No, actually, some days really drag on and I get depressed but I keep putting my foot in front of the other no matter what I feel because I know tomorro wis another day. Motivation is where I find it and  how I define it. Finding clothes that fit, wow, talk about a highlight of my life! I keep my goals right close to me. Right now, I am achieving these and it makes me feel great, feel successful. Don’t look at the big goal in the end. It is to far and veiled in mystery but make yourself those min goals, easy to achieve. My next mini goal is right around the corner and let me tell you, to get it realy gets my motivation to an all time high!

I was posting on my other forum site and one of the ladies there asked me a good question. Don’t know why she did but she did. She asked “Rachel, you have lost a great deal of weight on several occasions only to gain it back, what are you gooing to do different this time to make sure you don’t gain it back” This got me thinking really hard because it is a question that finds me when I am going to sleep or outside walking. To be honest, I have asked the question to myself a million times becaue that is my biggest fear. I have had friends tell me, I hope you can keep it off this time. My family, they are happy I am loisng weight but they do’t say too much and I know what they are thinking , she is only going to gain it back. So, back to the question that haunts me, how to keep at goal and not gain it back?

If you buddies have any advice, it would be appreciated! This is what I have come up with so far. I have to keep myself on a structure much like I am on now. When I don’t have a s tructure I am like “college girls gone wild” but with food. Everytime I have lost weight, I get to a certain point, my cursed 150 and then go off structure. That would be my number one focus, staying within the structure. I know i have to eat somewhat different once at goal because I can’t stay in the reduction phase forever so I have to do some things different but not too different. I know this lifestyle cannot be temporary but must be permanent. Right now, I stay with a and b foods (low calorie) I figure once I go to goal, I still stay with the plan but not just eat a and b food but also include the other foods but incorporate them slowly to see how my body reacts to it. It must be done gradually till I get use to living that way. If I still find myself losing, then up the portions but if I find I gain, go back to a and b foods. If I get on the scale and see a gain, immediate get back on the reduction phase and not let the pounds multiply as they do. I am still torn about whether to occasionally have junk food when planned or to phase that out totally from my world.
So, that is my thought, any advice, suggestions??

Thank you all for your comments on my blog. I try to be honest with how I feel and dwelve into my thoughts. Things are going well for me here and tomorrow is my official weigh in. Hoping for a good one so that next week I can get my next avi!! Everytime I look at my weight ticker, I really do have a hard time beleiving it is mine. It has been so long since I have seen anything even near 200 and now I am in the 170’s! Still hard to be accustomed to but it is a nice thing though. All my family is gone right now and I have the house to myself , ahhh. They are going to the countryside to visit the relatives and honestly, I hate to go. I do go every now and then for curtosy sake but I really don’t like to go. What are my plans today? Well, I am thinking of watching a movie and then a nice bath and shampoo and thne a nap. Sounds good to me when your baby gets up at 4am wanting to play!

Being married really opens up your eyes to how men think although I don’t think I ever will understand them. One night my husband was talking quite frankly about his feelings about me losing weight. He loves it, no doubt and certain, ahem, things are muchj better but he admitted that he is a little bit fearful also of my body. He is so use to me being really padded everywhere that now, when he touches me, a lot of that padding is gone and now he is starting to feel my bones come out and he doesn’t know what to think about that. He likes that I am thinner but he says the changes in my body are happening more and more and he struggles iwth keeping up and getting use to him. He doesn’t want me to quit but he says he is a little fearful of what I may look and feel like once I reach goal. Mostly, fear that i WILl lose most of my breasts. I admit, they have shrunk a great deal and when you are already a b, that doesn’t look good. But I told him he had to make a choice, breasts and fat or less on top but thin. YOu know of course he wants me thin but he says it will just take a bit of getting use to. I told him not to worry because right now the changes are pretty rapid, especially on my top but I told him he will get use to it and not to worry. So like my title says, men are strange. I do know he likes me getting thinner. He compliments me so much now, very touchie and likes to always embrace me now. I like that although I wish my weight would not play such a part with his desires but he is a man after all, that is how they are hard wired.  Plus, I’ll admit, I feel better about myself with it.