From Cocoon to butterfly

Maturity  takes many forms and affects all ages. when we think maturity, we always think of children maturing into adults but do you realize it affects all parts of our life. Even the bible talks of maturity where when they are as babies, they must be fed milk but as they mature, they can feed more on the meat of the word. Maturity even affects us in weight loss. Many have asked me how I can just continue to lose weight and not give into cravings. There is a reason. I know that I am not mature enough to handle things. I keep to the “milk” of weight loss.

Ok, I know you are a bit baffled by what you mean. Let’s see if I can simplify it from my brain to my fingers typing here. Many times, we get started in weight loss and really get on a roll of not cheating and really staying on the right path. Then. something happens, stress happens and yes, we react different but that is not what I am talking about. Many people on my other forum (not buddyslim) get going so well and then it is their bd or somone else’s bd. Or, a good friend is coming to visit or there is a thousand and one different sceneros such as these. What is the same thread of thought that runs through them is that the people decide, ok, just this once I will go off plan, just one little taste, it is just one time, I can’t help it I have to … or my personal favorite, this is the real world, you have to learn how to live and eat these foods so we have to learn.
All these excuses/reasons show immaturity of our thinking in weight loss. We are like children while we are on the weight reduction path. We don’t know how to limit our eating, choose the right tings to eat and so on. We have not reached maturity. Think about it, when you are a child, you may learn how to ride a bike and you have your scooter that you ride on. That is what youa re ready and can handle. But what about the car? I mean, everyone has a car and you have to learn how to drive , this is the real world right. So, what does mom and dad do? DO they give the child a car because eventually they do have to learn it? No,  because they know the danger it would be to the child. Not only the danger to the child but to others around them.  When you are mature enough to drive, you know how to watch for the dangers all around you, you know and are able to manuvere around obsticles and roads. You are aware of the dangers and know how to avoid them althought here may be time it will be barely.

Such is with us. Parents would never give their child something theyare not mature enough to deal with. When we are on the weight reduction trail , we are as children. WE can’t see the danger till too late. We don’t know how to steer throught he obsicles of life and junk food. We are not aware of things yet and if we do get off track, we will fall everytime. Only through losing the weight slowly, learning phycially and mentally things about ourselves, can we grow in maturity. When I was in WW one time, in ninth grade, I learned how to starve myself to lose weight quickly. I lost really quickly but in the end, I was a child with a car and I crashed majorly. I never learned to reach maturity in handling and being able to stya on the road without going left or right (gaining weight)  How do I continually lose weight every week, because I acknowledge that I can’t handle the car. I am still a child, give me my bicycle, I can handle that. As I continue to mature and learn more, I can then maybe go up to something bigger but I know right now is not the time to cheat because you can’t cheat. Once I get to goal, I am like a teenager getting her restricted drivers license. Still not totally safe at first but learning how to eat healthy an correctly. ONce I mature more, I can try things out but have to keep on the right road. So folks, don’t try that car out now, wait till maturity has come.

I have been thinking of Yoda lately, you know,t he little green man from Star wars. Always thought he was a cute bugger. Anyway, this is his quote. I guess I got to thinking of it becuase someone said that they wanted me to teach them how to use the force aka losing weight. It got me thinking about how Luke went to search for a master to teach him the skills. Remember how one of the tests were to get the ship out of the muck? Well, the first time Luke did it, he failed. He tried to do it again and failed again. Why was that? He was not determined enough. He wanted it but not badly enough to really do it. As he said, he tried but could not do it. But there is no try, only to do or not to do it. Same way with us, we “try” to lose weight but a lot of times this try is just an excuse so when we fail, we can at least say that we tried. So, we “try” and then don’t undersntad why we don’t lose weight. I started losing weight when Rebecca was born and let me tell you, it was only trying. I ended up waiting till everyone was gone and then snacking on everything and let me tell you, I can shovel a LOT in a short amount of time. My husband still doesn’t know how I eat so little and gain so much heheh. I’m not telling.  Before that, I have done so many tries and like Luke, move a little upward and then sick back into the mire of decay and misery. Luke tried but there was no incentive, there was no motivation for him to do it, there was no spark there. The force was there for the taking, just laying there waiting for him to grab it. So it is with us. We wait around for that feeling to hit us, for when that magic suddenly works and we are lifted up but motivation and desire will not come and find you, you have to find them and they are easy to find, when you really really really want it. Not just trying but really going to do it!

Back to Star Wars, how did Luke finally find the force, how did he finally rise up above his petty thoughts and distracting  actions? He got an incentive, he needed to get off that planet now! Nobody would help him or even could help him. It was left to him to do what was needed. That was when he discovered the desire so strong that nothing could hamper it, nothing could cover it up, it shone like a light on a hill in the dark.  Nobody can make us lose weight, nobody can help you do it all the way. The only way we can really find that force is to use it, to exercise it and let it strengthen us. ONce you have it, you can’t lose it. Yes, you can succomb to temptation but your disire is still there, just pick it up again and keep going, don’t stop. You are not trying anymore, you are doing it!! And you can fly!

I am feeling really good about myself now. Amazing how losing weight can really help to improve your self confidence. How you can get dressed up and really feel dressed up! It is amazing to me all the benefits that have come iwth losing weight. I am glad that I made that decision to start and lose weight. I still have a long way to go but I know I can do it. I am now over half way there and now have 66 pounds to go. So, one foot after another. Difficulties will come and have come but I can do it!

“Motivation doesn’t last–neither does bathing!  THAT’S why we recommend it DAILY!”– Zig Ziglar Motivation, one of the most elusive things to find and hold and also the most powerful force besides faith. So many questions are connected with it, how to find it? How to keep it? How not to lose it? Why is tis word so powerful to us especialy us in the journey of weight loss? First , how to find it? I really have no idea how to find something. For me, finding motivation is a study, a building of layors one upon the other. IT can’t just wake up one day and have it. I actually do a lot of thinking about what I want to do and why? I give myself so many reasons why I want to do it and why I should feel like it. I look for ever oppurtunity to build another layor upon that. Because, I need something solid to work with. Motivation is much like faith, you can’t have it based upon just feelings. Feelings change day to day. Humans go through a cycle, especially women and nobody can keep good feelings all their life or even the day. To me, motivation is a decision, personal, powerful and must be decisive. Once I reach the time where there is enough evidence and something just clicks for me and when it happens, I reach out and take it right then. To wait a day is to lose it like sand through my fingers. I grab it and don’t let it go. God said it is tenancity, being like a bulldog that when you want soemthing, you take a bite and don’t let go. Let a bulldog bite something., does he let go ? No , even when you beat him, he will still not let go. Nothing you can do until he is himself ready to let go. That is motivation, you make the decision to lose weight and you have to take a bite and no matter what happens or how beaten you feel or what aroma of ick comes to you, you willnot let go. You must make your own decision to do it, if you try to have it for someone else, you will fail everytime! How to keep motivation? With tenancity, letting nothing take it from you, no matter what.

       So, what motivates me now. I actually journal about this every month or so. When we first start to lose weight, what is our motivation? Our health, to get into the single digit size, to feel “normal” and so on. When we first start, what motivates us are the huge goals, the huge hopes. But I can’t hold unto those all the time. They don’t keep me motivated because it seems to be so distant. Rather like a child that says, when I grow up I want to be a doctor. The desire is there but the hope is far far away. So, I think about now, what motivates me at this certain time and honestly, they are tied very closely with my goals. What motivates me now? Being so close to being less weigh then my husband’s partner. My waist being smaller then my husband’s. Having people say that they see I have lost weight. Having my kids look at me and say , you have lost a lot of weight. Having my husband hold me closer. And , dare I say it, sex, my, much better! TMI  LOL. Every so many months, my motivation changes but it should. Motivation is not a dead stagnent thing. But living and changing. When I first started, my motivation was to fit in the bathroom, to not have a chair break on me and so on.

       What motivated me more in the past? Hmm, I really don’t know of an answer to this one. I try not to get tied in the past too much. Draw on your past don’t let your past draw on you.

       What will motivate me more in the future? I think my motivation will stay the same but it changes in what keeps me motivated. As I see myself getting smaller, I feel better about myself. I can walk down the street without people talking about me? Seeing my goal come closer and closer as a mountain climber seems the top of the mount slowly getting closer. That will continue to motivate me. As I see the top coming closer and closer, I feel mor and more excitement but reaching the top doesn’t finish the climb. One must learn to live there.

I can’t beleive it. I have actually managed to get over half way to my goal! That is too cool. I remmeber the last time I did this in 2006 and not far after that, found out I was pregnant. As my husband said, we never really got to enjoy the moment and experience it but this time I intend to! When I first started, seeing the avi of “on my way” which means, o pounds lost, it was an overwhelming feeling. To know that so much has to be lost before I can get to goal, almost unsummountable odds. But I took it one day at a time, one ounce at a time, one meal at a time. Things can get rough and do get rough. But gradually I saw “on my way” replaced with five pounds lost then ten and so on. Now, I have stopped looking behind me, behind at all those times I have lost xxx amount of pounds, to when I had such and such of an avi. Now, I am looking forward! And the view looks great. To those that climb a mountain, how do they do it. So high, so hard and the climb is so steep at times. You know they have to get so exhausted at times but they never stop. They never look behind them and say, I quit, I am just going to enjoy the view from this place.NO, they look at how much work they have already done  and they are not satisfied with staying at a certain point. They want to keep going, keep working, keep walking and climbing because they want the ultimate! The highest peak. They don’t sit at their campfire bemoaning all the work they did, how if they were home they could have been doing whatever. No, they look forward to reaching another stage and keep pushing.  That is how weight loss is. We are all reaching for the goal peak. All wnating to reach it. But how many of us reach a certain stage and just quit. Determined to just enjoy where we have reached. We can’t do that. There is a peak that needs to be climbed and you know what, we can do it! We can’t just stop at a place but continue on. We can’t go thinking life is so unfair that we can’t do this or have this. You have to have a thirst to reach the top. Nothing else to sway you, no wind no snow and no chocolate. Determination!

I am half way up tha tmountain now and I can see a faint faint glimmer off in the distance of that peak that I am going to reach. At times, I do become tired. Sometimes I have to run really fast to get away from the bread avanlanches that threaten to cover me and stop me. But I keep going. Half way is nothing , I have to go all the way! 

So, whose ready to start climbing?

Circumstances vs. Attitudes

What makes us react a certain way to life. When things happen, the way we react is based on what? That is the question I am wondering, do we live by circumstances or by attitude. Let’s say for example, you wake up in a bad mood. The next thing that happens will also be bad. It continues like murphy’s law and the whole day is a travaisty of bad luck. Was it the circumstances that produced the bad luck or was it your attitude? Many times people become bitter about something that happened and don’t take the blame about it at all. But, did the circumstance change you or did your own attitude change you? Let’s bring it closer. So many of use struggle with weight. As me why I gained weight? My mother and father moved to Florida from a big city in Pennsyvanial to a trailor in the countryside in hickville. I ate because I was bored. So, the weight came because of my circumstances? Becuase geneti cally, my family is fat so I am also destined to be fat. Because my mother always had bad stuff in the house so I ate the bad stuff. But to be very honest to myself, I gained weight because of my attitude TOWARD the circumstance. I was rebellious toward my mother. I took the attitude that I did not care about anyone or anybody. I was sick of having to fit with the group view so I would do what I wanted. It was my attitude that caused me to gain, not the circumstance. God never gives us more then we can handle. He knows what we can handle and what we cannot handle and knows we are strong enough to see us through but th emost important thingi s our attitude. Let’s go back in history to when Jesus was on the earth. The pharasees were always out to get him. They always made sure they were never around anyone that was unclean. They made sure to keep the laws, everyone of them as they could. They would fast and make sure everyone knew they were fasting. They would tithe to make sure everyone saw them do it. But when they encountered Jesus, he compared them to whitewashed bones in a graveyard. To an unwashed cup on the inside only the outside was washed. No matter how good the circumstance they put themself in, it was their attitude toward what they did that mattered. So many of us complain, life is so unfair, why do the bad get good and the good get bad? But, look at Jesus, all the bad things that he went through. His circumstances were the worst yet his attitude toward the circumstance was as a lamb being led to slaughter, no fight only gentleness, humility and meekness. If ever there was a man that could complain, it would be Paul. Stoned, shipwrecked, attacked and many other things yet in all these things, he still maintained that attitude was the most important.

So, how can this be measured to weight loss? It stops our excuses. How many times do we take a nibble of something because we were so stressed out? Something went wrong? A friend came by to visit or it’s our birthday. All circumstances but what is important is our attitude, that is what determines how we deal with our circumstance. If we let our circumstance deal with it for us, we will fall everytime! When is life smooth sailing? Never. So if we wait to lose weight when everything is smooth, we will never do it. Our attitude must be that no matter what the circumstance, we will eat healthy, make good choices, maintain our journey of weight loss. I have been on this journey since February and sometimes my circumstances are not all that well. I get mad at hubby and want to eat but I think about my attitude, why am I doing this? Would this really help me? How will I feel tomorrow. By using this internal questioning, I get around the circumstance and realize that it is my attitude toward this circumstance that is the most important. I think, when losing weight, we hae to get our attitude adjusted. No more, “that’s not fair that they get to eat xxx but I can’t” (I have those thoughts too, come on , who hasn’t?) But think about yoru attitude. How many times did you get to eat all that and more then you should have before and more then they ever will eat in a lifetime so you had your time of partying and eating, now, it is time to gets back on track. Set your attitude in the beginning that no matter what circumstance happens, you are sticking to your guns. If you get side tracked, make sure you eat normal portions (normal for thin people, not you) and get back on program. Set the attitude that even when you feel no motivation, no joy, you will still continue on. That no matter what happens, you can handle it and get through. Set some questions aside for yourself that when something happens, you ask yourself these questions and think carefully of the answers. My questions I always ask, “is this worth what I will see on the scale next time? Is it worth feeling weeks of depression because I was stupid? Will I really want this xxx tomorrow? Yes, this friend only comes by once a year but  I know this will be a lifetime journey, should I get off the path everytime this happens? Yes, this is my bd but it comes every year. Should I completly forget myself every year?  How many times have I eaten that and how much more I use to eat before, I don’t need it now. Hmm, right now I feel better, no stomachache, look better, I am wearing size ( ) now, do I want to lose that. Do I really need this (not want this) What motivates me now? Is it worth losing that motivation.

So, in a nutshell, attitude determines how we will react to a circumstance. We should never let the circumstance determine how our attitude is. Life will always be rocky, marriage will always be hard, bad things do happen to good people, the rain will always water the evil and the good person’s land so let your attitude determine how you react.

And I am going to solve it this time!! FOr most of my life, I have hit that number of 150 and can not go past it. Something always comes up or happens and I go right back up instead of passing that number.  The last time was in 2006, beginning of 207, I got down to about 156 and then , pregnant.  Then after I had my daughter in 2002, I dropped to about 155 and yep, gained it again. Then before i married, I got down to 149 and … pregnant. Well, the pg thing will not happen this time, got fixed! So, I want to know the mystery that lies behind the numbers below 150! I am getting into more and more of my clothes and nightgowns so that is making me feel much better. My top part is getting much better but then there is my bottom part *sigh* but when I get below that 150, I am certain that is when the bottom part will catch up to the top part.  I am excited over that. Being busy has really helped to because there have been no reoccuring attacks from the snack monster. It was really bad for a few days but it has gone down. I wonder why the body does that.

The weather here is getting hotter and hotter. We got a respite in June becuase of the monsoon season but now, within a week, we are going up and up! Yikes, it makes it worse because I don’t really enjoy going out and walking because of it but I will work something out, I usually do. Things are going well and I am also feeling hot hot hot and not in the temp sense. It has actually been a few weeks since anyone has told me that I am fat! What an improvement. Usually, I would hear it about 5 or more times a DAY! Yes, CHinese are very honest to tell you your faults. I can’t get too mad at them though, I am the biggest person they have ever seen so that does add something into it. But I can tell there is such an improvement by not hearing it now. On Friday night, we went to bairenfa and it was packed! But not one said I was heavy or anything. That made me feel so much better and gave me a little more motivation! While being at home, it is hard to resist the snack monster. He hides everywehre and when you least expect it, he pounces on you big time and if you haven’t don’t your mental exercises, you will surcome every time! It is funny though when I examine my longings. I will not use the words for craving because I am not craving it, just longing for it. The other months, I wanted meat! I eat meat but I mean the good, cooked in oil/seasonings , melt on your mouth type. But now, I want pastry, breads and noodles. Strange how your longings change from time to time. If I am craving salt or something like that, I know my body needs it but flour and carbs, comeon, no way! My body is just resisting the change I am going through. I know that I am getting my 70 avi next. So many compliment me on losing but I struggle just like everyone else, I have dreams about ick just like anyone else.

I have been learning about living at goal too. Yes, I am a long way from goal but I like to just think and meditate about it. You would not go into a war without prep. and knowing the terrain right? YOu have to know where the enemy lies and what kind of weapons he has. Same with being at goal. I have to find out what to expect, what enemies there are. I can’t get starry eyed and such ad think that being thin will be the answer to all problems. I was looking at the living lean thread and reading things they have wrote. To my surprised, every one of them struggles iwth gaining weight and keeping it off. Even the BMOS who helps and moderates the forum, also has gained some and is know struggling to get it off. Not that much but enough. THese are strong people that have already lost so much and kept it off for some years but even they struggle. Even they fall and have to really be careful with what they eat. I was reading one lady who was at goal and not gained and she was talking about how everyone ate big hamburgers for July 4th but she had her turkey burger. It made me realize that weight loss doesn’t stop when you get to goal. It continues for all your life. You have to always be at war with food and your body. You always have to keep pretty much on plan. When you gain one pound, get it off then! Don’t wait till later when it multiplies and divides the leg into sausage. I know it alreayd but I didnot know it, make sense? Like Chrisie’s blog? Or was it anothers? She talks about THIN people  I forget what the acronym means but pretty mcuh thin people always watch what they eat. They don’t stop and start but they are careful with portion size and what they eat.  The ladies that have kept it off still have to get on the scale every day and when they splurge that one time, they are on plan for that week and they get it off. I guess I am like everyone else, I have these thoughts, ok, fantasies. When I hit goal, that is when I can eat everything I want and still stay skinny. But that is the fantasy isn’t it. Like a lottery winner.  It just doesn’t happen. I still don’t know how I will eat once at goal because of the way they cook here but I do know that I will have to be very careful with portion control and weigh every day. The terrain is rocky, full of holes that are easy to fall in or hiding an enemy that is armed with a chocolate bar or a bowl of noodles. I know what is out there, now, how to prepare? By taking the time and effort to know how to combate it. Some say to throw away all clothes once you get too small from them ? But that is a step I am not willing to take…. yet. That is a mental battle I have yet to conquere. But I will, I will

I want to take this chance and thak you all for wishing me a good bd. It means more to me then you will ever know. First, bieng in another country, well, things get lonely here and there and no one in my family exc4ept my older brother remmebers my bd. So I do feel a bit out when it happens. But you buddies being there and wishing me a good bd and such, well, that made my day because for me, my family and friends are right here!

Fatdiva, you are funny, I wish you could not see me when I turn sideways but I am getting there, slowly but surely wins the race3!

Well, I think the best bd presengt I could have given myself is my weight loss. I dont care about gifts but I love the weight loss. I was trying to convince my husband to take me out for a massage (hoping) and he asked why I did not want to stay home and eat. I said, well, they make a feast of all great food and have a cake in honor of me but I can’t touch any of that so am I honorede. But we will still be having a feast just for the kids. They told me today that they needed to call nainai and tell her that she could still buy the cake and just give it to them to eat so I will not eat it. I had to just laugh about that. They are very much aware of me dieting and trying to lose wieght. Even today, my daughter was telling me that I was thinner. Very nice but then she followed it with “that was nice, wasn’t it? You should tell me thank you now” I just laughed. But I do feel so much better with the weight loss and can’t wait to get to my half way mark. My husband was telling me that I have alreayd hit my 1/2 way mark for 120 but I told him I wanted to base all calculations on 110 even if I don’t go that low. It is like, if I do base it on 110 and then I decide 120 is good, then I will feel like I reached goal early and it is like  a xmas gift given early. But if I base it on 120 and reach it but still need to lose to 110 I will feel like things are dragging on and on. LIke, you decide not to read up on the work for the next day in class and the teacher decides to give a pop quiz. Nuts, you di8d not plan ahead but let’s say you do read it and when that pop test comes, you breeze though it. That is the feeling> He just thinks I am crazy but hey, it workis for me you know?

Still working out the visa thing> I hate dealing with all the red tape and there always seems to be some new policy that makes life even harder to work with but such is life. Even in the US, things got hairy with red tape. It is world wide.  Talking about hairy, still haven’t been paid for my last month at the college so the final grades are still being held hostage. I get so sick of fighting with that school and this makes me feel even better about leaving. They had asked me to help find another teacher fo rthem but I don’t think so! They do this to me, they will do worse to another and I don’t want to be  blamed for that, you know.

Cravings have finally died down. I notice it gets worse when I am home alone. Just want to sneak and eat but I can’t do that. Not only am I letting myself down but eveyrone else to so I will continue to blog and continue to lose. I will be going for a visit to the US in two years and going in the summer so I really would like to look nice when I get there. My family has never seen me at goal so cna you imagine. hehehe . I am sneaky and think that will be a great opp. when I get off that plane at 110 to 120 . They are going to be in shock and so will my wallet after I go shopping!! But you know what I really look forward to? Sitting in the plane seat. For us who are overweight, you know how it is?? You sit down and suck in that stomach and jus tpray that the seatbelt is going to fasten and then you have it digging in your ribs while sitting. PLus, I had to raise the seat arms so my fat had enough place to go. Grrr! I hate that so this time, I want it to be different. I wan tto be able to sit in the bulkhead seats and use the tray without it being balanced on my stomach. To manuver out of the seats and into the aisle without bumping into anyone with my fat. Come on guys, do I hear an amen!! I know these might seem small to some but these are real goals and real meaning to me.

Ok, well, I need to get ready to get a bath and head to bed. Kiddos were up really early today. YOu know how it is. Before vacation, they can’t drag their butts out of bed for school but the day they are out, they can get up bright and early without any help.

So, happy birthday to me happy bd to me happy bd dear Rachel, happy bd to me!! And many more…………………….. Can’t wait till christmas becuase I am hoping for a goal present !