From Cocoon to butterfly

Ok buddies, this is where I need your feedback, advice or suggestions. Pretty much, help!! Been doing well and I haven’t eaten off plan and don’t intend too (not without losing my crown in longest loser) not only that because it is fun but I do’t want to back track where I have already been and lose what progress I have already made. When I went to check on the tailors to see if she had my dress ready (she did not) and get some skirts cut down (too big) she was telling me it must be so hard to buy clothes since I am so big. So, no big head here for me. But when I was looking in the mirror today, it just amazed me. Where is the bubble butt, where is the table that you can stack dishes on and eat from? Wow, it has gone down so much. NOw, that doesn’t mean it is gone. I wish! But it looks almost normal. Wow.

Ok, I digress. My problem is how to deal with cravings. I am not hungry. I checked my inner hunger gadge and that is not it. But usually I can look past those ick things but yesterday and today, oh man, it just looked so good, smelled so good (I indulge in smell kinda like a look but don’t touch) and all I could think of was, man, do I want that! Do the cravings ever leave you alone? I have been on this plan since the end of Feb. I have a feeling they never leave you. Do they lessen in intensity in time? Do you learn how to avoid them? HOw to deal with them? I went on a walk today, I kept busy and all that but they were ther ein the background like the boogiemonster just waiting to pounce when I least expected them. When I get to goal, how to handle the cravings. I can’t give in to them or I will be back up fat again so what do I do. PLease don’t tell me to just have a little piece of whatever I want. To be honest, that is not me. I am physically not where I need to be to be able to do that. I am one of these people that will eat and eat and feel sick and still eat because it is still there. I would buy popsicles and ice cream and would eat one then two then three and up to six to eight feeling terrible but unable to stop. That is me and I acknowledge that weakness.

Cravings are not a weakness on anyones part, I do realize that. If you do’nt crave the ick, you crave tv, or attention or something. We are humans and we crave things. I iknow one lady that just can not resist wine for nothing. For me, wine, yuck but something made with bread or pastry, oh yeah! Just put it down slowly and back away! 

But seriously, how to deal with the cravings. They will never go away, I realize that. Like alcoholics, they always have the desire to drink, they always hae to fight to not stop at that last bar, to not have “just one sip” and they have to do that all their lives. Even 15 20 years later, they still realize they must fight it because all it takes is that one sip to undo all those years of fighting. Does this mean that even when I am at goal I must fight like this to keep from giving in? Will I learn to portion control myself or should it be forbideden to me even when at goal as alcohol is forbidden to an alcoholic? THese are questions that I have to answer and fear to answer.

This week has been a great week. In laws took the kids out for the day on Thursday and that gave me time to finish up grading all those tests and then Friday, I got all the grades calculated and done! yeah! I don’t recognize my desk now with it all clearn and clean and no tons of paperwork covering it. Now, I just have the trouble of deciding to watch movies that I have been saving or to read the books I have been waiting to read heheh. That and thinking I really need to start to think and plan what to teach for Sept. I know I know, sept is a long way away but time goes fast when you are having fun and i don’t want to wait till the day before teaching to think about what to teach. Now I am full time, I have to really have my ducks in a row and do a good job. I already bought some notebooks to do teaching plans. I have to copy into the other becuase it must be turned in. I went to the bookstore with my son yesterday to get all the materials they will need (he and my daughter) for school, whew, cost me a good amount of money. What will happen when it is three of them in school! Yikes! But I love my ki8ds and this time iwll only be for when they are little and one day I will miss it.

As for weight wise, I am doing well and still in the longest loser. I don’t want to lose my crown you know heheh. I find that as I get lower in numbers on the scale, the scale is going slower although I am still followng my plan to the letter. But I am seeing the inches melting much quicker. I have now entered a new decade with 189 on Sat! Oh, just love seeing thos enumbers going down down down. And…. I bought my first shirt today. It is still tight on the bottom and aroudn the chest but I know that I will be getting it on in another 15 pounds or less. I can’t wait! Makes me feel good to see the c hanges in my body happening more and more. When I am over 200 (I got to almost 260) losing all of that, you really can’t see the changes so much but now that I am under 200, I can really see more and more changes happening to my body> Not only that but also with my mental attitude. I feel more “up” now , my self confidence is rising and I am not so hesitant about going out now. I still have a long way to go but I am just so thankful for being able to feel as good as I do now. My husband was playing with me and saying that he did not know where the other 30 kg were on my body that I still had to lose. I just shook my fat on my thighs and hips and told him, ther eis most of it here.  That is the one thing I don’t like about being a woman, where we put the fat. But I am going to get it off. My mom is suppose to be sending that dress to me soon and I can’t wait!

When I had wrote my last blog, I was still int he 200’s so now that I am near the 180’s I thought I needed to follow up that one with a sequel. Not only that, the snack monster is creeping around my house so I need to avoid him (has to be a him with all the trouble it gives me, just like a man heheh) so I thought abut posting on here and then by the time I am finished, the monster should have gone by then.

My weight loss has been doing really well but I don’t swell up with that knowledge. When I was passing by a building which was build with those reflective panels, I looked at myself and although I have lost over 65, I still have a long way to go. I make sure to remind myself of that because I don’t want to become content in what I have become, I still have a way to become what I really want. I don’t want to hit half way and stop or even 75 percent there, I want all the way. I want to be proud of myself and carry myself well because of it. Ok, so, what keeps me motivated now? So many have written me to ask, how can I do it? How do I keep it up and so on. Well, motivation plays a huge part as well as my mental struggle within. I am starting to see my dreams reflecting things. Before, I would be binging on things in my dream but last night, I was careful in what I ate and made sure it was on plan, even in my dream. And I was thinking, no matter what, I want to be thin! 

So, back on subject, what motivates me now?

I can now put on a 34 bra. I had gotten to the point before I was uncomfortable in a 36! But now I am wearing a 34!           I look in the mirror and I can see my top getting smaller. I have the misfortune of losing my weight on my top part first before my bottom part follows. But I can see my top really getting down and my shirts are all hanging off of me!          My arms no longer have those lumps that come out on top. They are straight all the way down although I do have those wings!  but they are becoming more firmer as I go.                         My waist is just a little over a inch more then my husband. If I can drop over one, I will be less then my husband!! That will be too cool! I give up any hope to be smaller on my butt and thighs but I will settle for my waist being smaller!!                              My husband can now pick me up. Before, he could not even do that.                              I can put on my linen dress. Still a little tight on the bottom but getting there!!                         My son looking at me when I picked him up at the school and him saying, “mama, you really are losing a lot of weight!”                               My daughter saying “mama, when we get older, are we going to be fat like you?”        Yes, that motivates me because I don’t want my kids to think that is the norm, that is what they will be like> They deserve a healthier and nice mama.                                My husband always skimming his hands on my body and telling me how much smaller I am and seeing the look of desire in his eyes again. Before, it was a look of disgust.                 Only hearing how big my butt is once this month! Before it was everyday and sometimes more then once a day!             Seeing those clothes and knowing one day I am going to be getting in them, no ifs ands or buts!!                Being less then 10 pounds to be half way to goal!                Being able to get on the top bunk of my son’s bed and not worrying about it falling in on me                      Having more and more confidence in myself.

Now, I am trying to get my mind wrapped around the fact that I will be eating like this for the rest of my life. I still have a bit of trouble with that I ‘.ll admit. I keep wanting to think that once I get to goal, I will be able to dip into things a bit more but I know I will not be able to and if I do, it must be pretty rare occurance. Too many people I have known go on ll and then gain some back. Even Lady and she was a tough one and she gained back 30  because of that so I know I must have a plan to follow and keep with it. Weighing everyday and once I hit 2 pounds over, back on plan. I can’t let myself go over that because as someone says, pounds are like rabbits, they bred more pounds. But I really do feel good, I feel that hope come over me, that doubt going away and theknowledge that I am going to make it!! 

I forgot to add one more poiint to my secret. A little girl reminded me today.

11. Never get comfortable. Too many of us lose weight until we get to a place where we are too comfortable. We can now find clothes that fit, people don’t stop an stare as bad and we feel better. I will not and actually, can’t . I can’t get to a certain point and then be comfortable because over here, that is not encouraged. I can’t buy any clothes for me till I get to goal. It is impossible because all the clothes are too small. No big dept here. I can’t get comfortable in a certain weight because over here, I am still fat. A little boy(my student) told me how one of the girls was talking about the big fat foreign teacher. Let me tell you, that took all the pride out of 60 pounds. I am not saying to forget and not be proud of losing what you ahve but just don’t get comfortable! They will not let me over here and I am thankful for it becuase when they do it, it reminds me and solidifies my will into iron. I look forward to the day they call me thin because it will not be said to make me feel better, it will be the truth.

I have been meaning to get on here and post for some time but everytime, something happened. Computer went crazy or it just took too long to get the page loaded. But, I am finally on here. Today is my last day with teaching at one part time job. I am looking forward to the break. The weight journey has been going very well. i say journey because in using the word “diet” it connots a beginning and an ending. With me, this is a journey, one that will never end till I die. When I start that feeling of “it’s not fair” I have to remember that things have to be like this from now on. And if that voice persists, I then start to look at other people and how they eat, you know they ones, the ones that seem to be blessed with thinness. But you know someting, they don’t get to enjoy themselves like I would have thought they would have. Fact is, when they do eat something particularly yummy, they have a built in portion  control. They can have one thing of ice cream and stop but me, my thoughts about enjoy are eating until I make myself sick.

But I have to admit, since Christmas arrived here (see earlier post) I have been seeing more and more changes in my body. There have already been changes since losing 60 pounds but now since getting there, mybody is changing more and more. I choose not to look at the whole and see how much further I have to go. I choose to look at what it was and what it is now. Wow, what a difference and I am feeling more and more excitement over what has happened and what will happen. I belong ont he contest of longest losers. We are down to just two of us now that consistantly lose every week. Jo asked us to tell us 3what was our secret and that got me thinking, what was the secret, although there really is no secret but what makes a person be able to lose and not yo yo all the time. So, I have to think about what do I do? 1. I never give up hope. I am always thinking about what is good and what has changed already. Loss is slow, you can’t snap your fingers and be thin right away so it takes time and sometimes that time can drag as any pregnant woman can tell you. I I keep the hope and try to visualize myself at such and such of a weight. When I see a pretty dress, I don’t think, I am too fat…. I think “one day” One day is my hope!!

2. I don’t cheat or go off not even for one day. I am a type of person that is an all or nothing type. Yes, I know that is not good but that is who I am and I can’t change it. Once I get near to goal, I do plan to up some portions of things but I don’t plan to add extra ick to my food. Better to keep away from it. Pounds are too much like rabbits, get one and next thing you kow, you have too many of them underfoot and they keep breeding! I know some who can eat off one meal and go back the next but I cant’ and I acknowledge that weakness.

3. I eat more veggies at every meal then anything else. I also eat a carb and a lean protein with it but veggies are the secret. They have very little calories and they make you feel full.

4. I eat every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. yep. That keep sme from feeling hungry all the time. My worst time is afternoon. I think the habit came from school. You know, you don’t eat anything but lunch so by the time you get home, you raid the fridge. Well, growing into adulthood never changed that habit. But now, by 230pm, I eat 1/2 a grapefruit and proteina nd I am happy and full till supper time. Morning time same thing.

5. I leave food on my plate. I am also from a family of , gotta clean off the plate, so it is hard to do but I am getting myself in the habit that I realy dont’ have to eat till the plate is empty. Just till I am full.

6. I am learning to ask myself, What is my hunger gadge? There are times in the morning, I pass by a street stall selling things and my mouth gets to drooling and I ask myself, am I really hungry. It helps turn these feelings inward and find out about just what I really do feel.

7. I drink plenty of water. While i am teaching, I am always drinking so I get all my water in before the afternoon.

8. I have two places on the internet that I post on boards and chat with others about weight loss and life. The help of these ladies and men have helped me where I really needed it.

9. When I get really upset, depressed or what, I blog. Writing things out really does help me to deal with things instead of turning to food all the time. I am reteaching myself to not turn to food for comfort but to turn to writing. In turn, I also learn so much about myself and I love to write.

10. I take walks for my exercise. I don’t beleive I Have to kill myself in exercise and I personally, hate hate running. But walking , that I can do.

Right now, it is Christmas in my heart. Remember when we were children and it was the night before christmas. YOu are all aglow in the thoughts of what hte next day would bring when you opened your eyes. You watch your stocking hung up and count the presents under the tree. The thrill of anticipation in the air was tangible! Butyou had to sleep to have the next day come. So hard to sleep knowing what was going to happen the next morning. That is the feelings I have now.  Onderland is on the horizon. The moment when you stop seeing the two on the scale and start to see the one. The moment when you stop feeling a decade away from your goal and now closer. The moment you feel almost like a normal person to see a one there instead of a two, three or what. This is the moment I am waiting for. If I don’t get it tomorrow, the next day then. So close so close. Will fireworks go off? No  Will there be a ticker parade…. no  Will I feel different just by what the scale says….no. This is all mental for me. When I see that one, that means I still have about 80 more pounds to go but it means I am getting ever closer to my goal. I no longer see 147 pounds that need to be lost. Now, I have less then 100 to lose on top of what I have already lost. This makes my hope even more and more visible to me. And to think, that means next week I shall see the 89’s (190s) When I was 3 months pregnant, I weighed around that. To get below that means I will hit my next goal and then my next goal and then onward and downward. Ooo, it is christmas in my heart!! To get in the lower 80s (170s pounds) is where the big changes really start to happen in my body. By the 70s (150s) I start to look like a normal person. By 60’s I am getting thin and by the 50’s I am finally getting to goal and lower then I was in middle school. Christmas come on.  Which is in fact the time I am hoping to hit my goal weight, christmas!! Can you imagine a better christmas present???