From Cocoon to butterfly

I don’t get to have that much so when I have it, I sure treasure it. Dh took all three kids and fil out to the park and I stayed here. I don’t always like to get out in the park too much, especially on Sundays. Too many people and too much staring. I can deal with it most of the time but on days like this, I just want to enjoy being with me. All things are doing alright here. Had a bit of a bad mood the other day, don’t know why just felt that way and felt tired from the first instant of waking. Who knows why our bodies are like that but today is indeed a better day. Hard to beleive that this month is coming to a close already. Seems like it just began and now June is almost upon us. This means I have got to get a move on and get finals ready to give. Not my fav. thing to do and it takes me two weeks. last time, they changed the time on me and I had a very hard time rescheduling with all my students. In a way, the end is great but it is also bittersweet. this will be my last semester as their teacher and at this school. I hate to change but this money issue is getting too much of a hassle. For me to have to go on strike, well, it just has gone too far. I shall miss all my college students for many reasons.

Weight wise, I am doing alright. Still popping along and keeping on track. I have to watch out how much I do talk about it around my kids though> I was making pancakes for my kids and my son only ate one. He never just eats one and I don’t make think ones, I make the thin ones so he should have more. Aftrer inquiring a bit from him, he worried about eating too much and it would be bad for his body. Kids, they are funny! But for me, I did not eat any of it, I had my oatmeal and egg whites. It has become a routine and I am glad for that. Not to say I don’t think about eating. I am always thinking about the why of things. Like, why is it, when I go to drop my son off at the school, I pass by a place that sells you tiao and other bf things and I always find my mouth watering and wanting to stop and get something. But then I think, hmm, am I really hungry, a little hungry or what. I am not hungry at all. So, why do I want to eat it? Why does the drool come hehe? Is it my memory of remember when I did eat it? No, not really> I only stopped to eat those when I was in a hurry. Not my fav. things to eat. Ok, so, is it that great to eat? Again, no. There are  a dozen other things I rather have. So, why is the sight of food set off this reaction? I don’t have an answer yet. Still mulling on it right now but there has to be a reason. Like, why is it, some days you are fine and no problem following the program but then there are other times when you feel like you have changed to the cookie monster and can eat and destroy everything within mins! Not hunger but what is it? Emotions? Well, I have been keeping up with that also. yesterday, I was stressed, depressed, not feeling up and up and I did not want to really eat but today, I am feeling good, relaxed and I had an episode with the snack monster. I am fine now but back then, it was there.

Sometimes I get a little down thinking about goal. Crazy right? Nope, I know that I will be eating like this the rest of my life. That for all my life, I will always have to be careful, I will always have to think carefully. I guess, most of my life, I had thought of reaching goal as the ultimate fulfillment. All the answeres would be found then, all things would revert to right side up. But it never ends? Just like life, never ends even with death, you contnine but in a differnet place be it heaven or hell. But I am going to be fine! I am going to make it and I am going to get to goal!! I want to walk off that plane in the US and be at goal!