From Cocoon to butterfly

whew, working those eight day week can kill a person. So happy that my baby decided that last night she would not wake up in the early wee hours. That was nice for me and a nice rest in. Things are going well with my journey of weight loss. I had some freaky things happen last week. I weighed in last Sat. at 98 and then on Monday following that 98.2 > I was NOT happy about it and it really did freak me out. I went over in my mind all that I had eaten. Nothing should have put a gain on me and it did depress me. I know I should not let the scale to bother me like that but I am human, it does bother me. Then I thought, hmm, my fil has been adding more and more salt in my food(I eat seperate food then they do) and I thought, maybe that is it. I told him to cut out all salt unless I put it in. Weighed the nxt day, still the same. Did it again the next next day, down only one! Then I decided, I was going to take back control from the scale and not weigh in till Sat. and that is what I did. Weighed in today at 96.6, yeah! I am hoping by my official weigh in day of Monday, I will have enough to evenly get my 45 avi! This makes me soooo happy. This puts me nearer and nearer to my onederland minigoal. That will be my second one hit. My husband thinks I am so silly for loving that onederland but he will nevver know what it is like to always see a 200 and more on the scale and to see that two go down to a one, what a feeling! Not rainbows and fireworks but almost. I know I have a long way down from there but to have that one there gives me such hope and inspiration! I am really looking forward to hitting my goals all the way to the bottom! It isn’t always easy though. Even today, I was in the bakery and buying things for my kids (a trick I am learning is to buy just enough for them to eat one time and then there are no leftovers calling my name) and I was looking and smelling things and thinking, ….. I wish… But what would I really feel about it? If I did eat it, I would feel so guilty and miserable at what I did. I would dissapoint myself and others and physcially, I would feel lethagic and bloated. So, really, what am I really missing? not much. A good taste, yes but the afteraffects the side effects you could say, it horrible. I always make myself talk about it and have an internal debate about things even if I don’t want to eat it. I am trying to get myself prepared for when I do get to goal. This losing weight is not a cure all pill. I really feel that being heavy is like being an alcoholic. YOu love to eat and could eat at allt imes. You feel terrible when you do it but when you are int he location of the food, you just can’t resist it nomatter what promises you have made to others. When you eat just one, you can’t stop and you want to eat more and more and it becomes a binge, just like a drinking binge. Hello, my name is Rachel and I am a foodaholiic. Everyone says “hello Rachel” When an alcoholic starts his 12 steps meeting or whatever he does, he can’t go off of it one time. If he does , he goes right down the drain. I feel like that is me. I have to be so careful. One year, two years, 20 years down the line, he still can’t have that drink without those feelings coming back. I know that will be the way I will be too. No matter what weight I am at, there is no cure all for it except to always be careful, always be ont he lookout for things. Always have the control. So many see a diet as an end means. But do we really realize that it can never end? We will never be cured? One thing about being fat and trying to lose has got me watching other people, what they eat. Yeah, you have some that can eat anything and everyting and not gain but most are not like that. Watch what the thinner people do eat. They eat very carefully and much smaller portions then I ever realized. This is not a end means but a means to a new beginning. An end that is really a beginning. Just like death, it is not the end but just the beginning