From Cocoon to butterfly

I don’t get to have that much so when I have it, I sure treasure it. Dh took all three kids and fil out to the park and I stayed here. I don’t always like to get out in the park too much, especially on Sundays. Too many people and too much staring. I can deal with it most of the time but on days like this, I just want to enjoy being with me. All things are doing alright here. Had a bit of a bad mood the other day, don’t know why just felt that way and felt tired from the first instant of waking. Who knows why our bodies are like that but today is indeed a better day. Hard to beleive that this month is coming to a close already. Seems like it just began and now June is almost upon us. This means I have got to get a move on and get finals ready to give. Not my fav. thing to do and it takes me two weeks. last time, they changed the time on me and I had a very hard time rescheduling with all my students. In a way, the end is great but it is also bittersweet. this will be my last semester as their teacher and at this school. I hate to change but this money issue is getting too much of a hassle. For me to have to go on strike, well, it just has gone too far. I shall miss all my college students for many reasons.

Weight wise, I am doing alright. Still popping along and keeping on track. I have to watch out how much I do talk about it around my kids though> I was making pancakes for my kids and my son only ate one. He never just eats one and I don’t make think ones, I make the thin ones so he should have more. Aftrer inquiring a bit from him, he worried about eating too much and it would be bad for his body. Kids, they are funny! But for me, I did not eat any of it, I had my oatmeal and egg whites. It has become a routine and I am glad for that. Not to say I don’t think about eating. I am always thinking about the why of things. Like, why is it, when I go to drop my son off at the school, I pass by a place that sells you tiao and other bf things and I always find my mouth watering and wanting to stop and get something. But then I think, hmm, am I really hungry, a little hungry or what. I am not hungry at all. So, why do I want to eat it? Why does the drool come hehe? Is it my memory of remember when I did eat it? No, not really> I only stopped to eat those when I was in a hurry. Not my fav. things to eat. Ok, so, is it that great to eat? Again, no. There are  a dozen other things I rather have. So, why is the sight of food set off this reaction? I don’t have an answer yet. Still mulling on it right now but there has to be a reason. Like, why is it, some days you are fine and no problem following the program but then there are other times when you feel like you have changed to the cookie monster and can eat and destroy everything within mins! Not hunger but what is it? Emotions? Well, I have been keeping up with that also. yesterday, I was stressed, depressed, not feeling up and up and I did not want to really eat but today, I am feeling good, relaxed and I had an episode with the snack monster. I am fine now but back then, it was there.

Sometimes I get a little down thinking about goal. Crazy right? Nope, I know that I will be eating like this the rest of my life. That for all my life, I will always have to be careful, I will always have to think carefully. I guess, most of my life, I had thought of reaching goal as the ultimate fulfillment. All the answeres would be found then, all things would revert to right side up. But it never ends? Just like life, never ends even with death, you contnine but in a differnet place be it heaven or hell. But I am going to be fine! I am going to make it and I am going to get to goal!! I want to walk off that plane in the US and be at goal!

I have been thinking about this for awhile. We have all told or been told many times, “appearances mean nothing” but in reality, is that true? As the years go by and I know more about me and others, I would say, not true! I will not dwell on others but on mysellf. I kept a blog from the last time I lost weight and I can read fromt he beginning to the end and I can see such a difference in thinking, not just about weight but about myself. In the beginning, there was such self hatred, such non confidence and misery. But as I read further, I can see that dimming a little bit. As time went on, I can see myself feeling better about myself and so on. Then, as time goes and I get pg and start to gain, that self hatred came back. Why is that? HOw is my appearance so wrapped up in how I feel about myself. I am not vain, not in theleast but it is amazing how our appearance really does mold us. I can now see the same thing happening as I lose weight again, I am finding more self confidence (although having less people commenting on the size of my butt or how huge I am has helped) and starting to appreciate myself a bit. Even when I am big, I never feel that I can feel “dressed up” but now, just a tiny bit, I am feeling that way again. Do appearnces really mean that much? Or is it hte fact that it drives people in how they treat you?

Also, thanks buddies for all the comments you made. DId not mean to scare you about the bones coming out, I just have a strange sense of humor LOL.

As the weeks go by, I am noticing more and more of these hard things coming out of my fat. I don’t know what they are? Should I go to the doctor and get something? I am use to always having fat covering me up but these things are not soft and jiggly. Do you think…. no, it couldn’t be. Or maybe, could it. I think they are **gasp** bones!

Yep, that must be it. It is amazing to see them start to come out on the top part of my body. For my bottom, well, that is going to take awhile before it even hits there. But the weight always starts to come off quicker on my face and top, pity though that I have to lose my ’sisters” But to have a choice btw fat or those, well, I rather be thin then. I can see my shoulders now much more defined and there is even a waist coming out. There are still bumps from my legs to the torso but theya re going down much better now. It is fascinating to watch the changes happening. Makes it all worth while. I have been surprised at how fast I am going down but when I look at the record of it from last time I lost weight, I also lost quckly until I got pregnant. NOw, there is not a chance I will get pregnant(tied and cut) I feel such hope burning in me!
 

I have had a lot of people contact me worried that I might be int he area of the earthquake. I am thankful that I wasn’t. The area that was hit was sichuan, some ways away from me but the magitude of the quake was so large that we did have tremors where we live. I have been seeing a lot of the coverage on the news, the roads are tore up so bad that they are using the waterways to reach people. So sad to see such destruction, especially there because it is already such a poor region. I have a friend whose family lives there and I pray they are alright. They lived int he mountains so I don’t know how they are doing. Keep all the people in your prayers.

Haven’t we all heard that before, you had better eat your food, children in (place of preference) are starving, so you should appreciate having food. I heard this alot especially when we had liver, yuck! But as I got older, I realized that this has added to the effect of I have no portion control. It is not the whole problem, just hte start. When I sit down to a plate of food, I have to finish all the food or I just feel guilty. To this day, if I don’t eat all the food my mother serves me,s he wonders why.  I am still trying to learn portion control and that is stillmy biggest problem. I keep eating and eating and eating. Now that I live in China, it is even harder becuase we don’t have individual portions, we all have a bowl of rice but then youe at from a community dishes so it is to easy to eat more then you should. I now eat my own food because I have cut salt and fat from my diet. But one thing I am teaching myself is to leave food in my dish. Not easy to do and when I first started, I could not. Now, I do it every time and it makes me feel better because I can do it and not feel guilty. I can only hope that portion control will come next but at this time, I am just eating set foods and measuring very carefully but I am learning.

This week’s weigh in was really good and I am so happy. I kow it was more then usual because of water retension on my last weigh in so this one was really good and I got my avi. I od feel smaller and my clothes are getting bigger and bigger. I have had another comment today from a teacher who has not seen me in awhile and she says she can see I am getting thinner. Makes it so worthwhile.

whew, working those eight day week can kill a person. So happy that my baby decided that last night she would not wake up in the early wee hours. That was nice for me and a nice rest in. Things are going well with my journey of weight loss. I had some freaky things happen last week. I weighed in last Sat. at 98 and then on Monday following that 98.2 > I was NOT happy about it and it really did freak me out. I went over in my mind all that I had eaten. Nothing should have put a gain on me and it did depress me. I know I should not let the scale to bother me like that but I am human, it does bother me. Then I thought, hmm, my fil has been adding more and more salt in my food(I eat seperate food then they do) and I thought, maybe that is it. I told him to cut out all salt unless I put it in. Weighed the nxt day, still the same. Did it again the next next day, down only one! Then I decided, I was going to take back control from the scale and not weigh in till Sat. and that is what I did. Weighed in today at 96.6, yeah! I am hoping by my official weigh in day of Monday, I will have enough to evenly get my 45 avi! This makes me soooo happy. This puts me nearer and nearer to my onederland minigoal. That will be my second one hit. My husband thinks I am so silly for loving that onederland but he will nevver know what it is like to always see a 200 and more on the scale and to see that two go down to a one, what a feeling! Not rainbows and fireworks but almost. I know I have a long way down from there but to have that one there gives me such hope and inspiration! I am really looking forward to hitting my goals all the way to the bottom! It isn’t always easy though. Even today, I was in the bakery and buying things for my kids (a trick I am learning is to buy just enough for them to eat one time and then there are no leftovers calling my name) and I was looking and smelling things and thinking, ….. I wish… But what would I really feel about it? If I did eat it, I would feel so guilty and miserable at what I did. I would dissapoint myself and others and physcially, I would feel lethagic and bloated. So, really, what am I really missing? not much. A good taste, yes but the afteraffects the side effects you could say, it horrible. I always make myself talk about it and have an internal debate about things even if I don’t want to eat it. I am trying to get myself prepared for when I do get to goal. This losing weight is not a cure all pill. I really feel that being heavy is like being an alcoholic. YOu love to eat and could eat at allt imes. You feel terrible when you do it but when you are int he location of the food, you just can’t resist it nomatter what promises you have made to others. When you eat just one, you can’t stop and you want to eat more and more and it becomes a binge, just like a drinking binge. Hello, my name is Rachel and I am a foodaholiic. Everyone says “hello Rachel” When an alcoholic starts his 12 steps meeting or whatever he does, he can’t go off of it one time. If he does , he goes right down the drain. I feel like that is me. I have to be so careful. One year, two years, 20 years down the line, he still can’t have that drink without those feelings coming back. I know that will be the way I will be too. No matter what weight I am at, there is no cure all for it except to always be careful, always be ont he lookout for things. Always have the control. So many see a diet as an end means. But do we really realize that it can never end? We will never be cured? One thing about being fat and trying to lose has got me watching other people, what they eat. Yeah, you have some that can eat anything and everyting and not gain but most are not like that. Watch what the thinner people do eat. They eat very carefully and much smaller portions then I ever realized. This is not a end means but a means to a new beginning. An end that is really a beginning. Just like death, it is not the end but just the beginning

Another day has gone by. Just three more left and then I can rest somewhat. I was going to blog about this before but ran out of time. I have got to talk about the cat litter! Yes, strange subject but very revelant. I went to the store to get some cat litter and then started to climb my stairs to my house (I am on the third floor) I put the cat litter over my shoulder to carry since my hands were full. As I was walking up, the cat litter put a lot of weight on me and I could really feel it weigh down. I thought, hmm, how much is this, I sure can feel the heaviness. I looked and it was 10 kg (22 pounds) and then it hit me like a streak of lightening. Wow, I have already lost more than this bag of litter. Thinking about how heavy it made me walk and how muhc weight it added had me agast at how it must have been for my body to carry that extra weight around before I lost it. I know this is simple but it struck me as really interesting. To actually have a physical concept of what I have lost really drove the point home to me. So, when you go into the store next time, pick up some litter!

On the other side of hte coin, not too happy with hubby. Sometimes I could just brain him sometimes! Maybe I should, would make me feel better. We are really struggling with finances and we just never have any extra money. We had our finances almost balanced but when the last baby came and him buying htat car, well, we tipped that balance right over. He gets so depressed over it. We are not in dept but we sure have no money though. What makes me so mad at him is that he keeps expecting me to come up with the moneya ll the time! It is not him that has to find another part time job but always me. It has always been like that but I will not bore youw ith all the stories but needless to say, I am sick of it. I am saving a bit from my other part time job for being able to get my green card and now he wants to dip into that. grrr! Why can’t he get off his butt and do something. I still don’t know how we just never have any money. I wish I could really have all the money and all the bills statements to check but they don’t do statements here, most is verbally so that leaves me with air. I know it will work out. 3 1/2 more years and the mortgage will be paid off for the house and 2 1/2 more years and the stupid car that we really did not need, will be paid off. That will be great. Now, if I can just get that green card, that iwll save us money on not having to get the kids visas every year so that is more money saved. Now, we are going into the hole because DH fogot to renew the baby’s visa and now we have to pay a fine of 500 every day it was late and it was 10 days late plus another 950 just for the visa. I should hvae kept track of that but he usually does that.

Ok, calming down. Have not felt that great of a mood since getting up in the morning but a soso mood. I just wish I could disappear somewhere and just relax and enjoy myself. Well… one day. One day.

Once I get to goal, we will not have to use so much money on my food also. Buying chicken does get expensive but that is next year to think about. Ok, I am alright now. Happy losing

These days are tiring because of having my full time job and part time. When I don’t have my part time job, I feel a bit better. I really have to get my time organized a little better. Usually I have all my new books read by now but there are so many just waiting for me. In fact, I am not really trying to get to them right now because I treasure them so much that waiting a bit is worth it. You see, I can’t find English books to read here so I have to have them sent from the US so each book is very precious to me.

Weight wise,doing well and still in the competition for longest loser and the heartbreakers. I am very competitive so they are both really good for me. This week, got my 40 avi so very please about that. Just takes motivationa nd a get go. Makes me feel much better and I have been so shelled shocked to get a few more commnets abot my weight loss without me saying anything to get it. You know the first one was the fish lady. I have had a few more. ,  The next one was from the lady who lives across from me. She said she noticed I had lost weight. Then the other one was at the store. One of the ladies asked if I had lost weight. I really can’t beleive it and it makes me feel great. I am so looking forward to having more off. I will start my new job at the primary in Sept. and it will be so worth it to not hear the students commneting on how huge I am. I will be doing well to have some more confidence. DH has been so encouraging and very complimentary. On one hand, I want to slap him for being so superficial but on the other hand, I do enjoy it.  But I know I can’t just get out of the journey of losing weight. That is the recipie for disaster!

Whew, this week has been a busy week. Why is it when you go on holiday, there seems to be even more things you have to do! But have been doing pretty good. On Thursday, we went to a wedding for a relative and it was not easy. Got up so early to do hair and get all the kids dressed. Had all my food and snacks ready and I did not have a problem till we got to the banquet. Then it started getting really hard. All that food kept c omuing and coming and boy, would I have loved to eat it and eat and eat. That is a huge problem with  me, portion control. Anyhoooo. I started thinking, hmm, what if I just eat this meal Then get right back to it but I knew, I knew. My inner voices were holding a debate. Lots of people go off, yeah, but you know you can’t

Just eat a little

You know you can’t eat just a little

But I am tired of eating veggies and chicken

You have had chances to have lots of banquets and you ate what you wanted but look where you are now?

Hmm, I am so big and I have such a long way to go

If you eat this you will have a bad weigh in and be depressed all week and regret it all the months to come

YOu will probably get sick from all the oil and stuff in it

Is it really worth it?

NO, it isn’t worth it. To wait till MOnday and see what my weigh in and get my next avi/star, that is worth it. Sure, the food would tastes great but it would only taste good for so long and the bad feelings would last for a long time. The feelings of getting on that scale and seeing it lower, now those feelings are even better.

So, I may have not won the war but I won a critical battle! When I got on the scale today (Sat.) for weigh in for the heartbrekers, I was so happy I did not mess myself up. It will be a good weigh in but not putting it down till Monday