From Cocoon to butterfly

sorry to have disapperared for a little while. Things got so busy and just had no time to just get on the computer and then I was also in a funk so had to figure things out and just get to where I felt like getting on the computer again. I alwys do think of my blog though and many times will compose things in my head. I am crazy, aren’t I LOL. I am doing alright but have a ton of things to do just not doing them heheh. Today is my Daughter’s bd , she will be six, sorry, she is six. Hard to believe how fast time has flown but it does go fast. She and my son are another reason I want to lose weight. Too many people make comments to them about how fat I am and I don’t want them embarrassed to have me as a mother when they get older. Right now, they are at the age, they recognize the comment but don’t realize it also shadows them. I am going to get this weigh off before they get to that age. My cousin was over 300 pounds and her daughters got to the point, they would not even want to be seen with her, around 10 I suppose. I don’t want to deal with that hurt. But I feel much better about myse;f then I have since last year. I look in the mirror and I am seeing changes goig. Stil pretty big but there are changes going on and that makes me excited.

My husabnd has become much more amorous! But also much more loving. It bothers me as much as it delights me. It delights me because it is always nice to be complimented, loved and so on. But it bothers me that he loves me more when I am losing weight. I knw he loves me despite but he lets the weight really weigh on him, pun intended. Why does society place so much emphasis on appearance? I know that even God appreciates beauty as he made the ea5rth and the first man and woman beautiful but he did not judge them on the outer appearance rather, the inner one. Even the Bible talks about that a beautiful woman is one who is kind, gentle and so on. So, hw did our society get this way? I can’t even say I am free from blame. I enjoy making myself look nice, I appreciate others who look nice and so on. So, I can’t place blame on my husband because of it. He has been there through eight years of it with me, losing when I met him and got married. Gaining after having my first child. Gaining more when I had my 2nd child and then losing. gaining again and then losing again. Gained last year and now losing. He has always been there for me through it all so I guess I understand. I , myself, love myself even when I am thinner. Funny how that happens.  It is nice to have him enjoy being around me more and always trying to measure how big I am now and how much I have lost. And the sex, well, weight does play an affect on that. Not just the feelings/emotional part but it is better. Ok, I know, TMI but anyway… hhehhehhe. Have a great day!

Another day, another ounce. Things are going alright today. Got mad at my DH yesterday. He says things sometimes and doesn’t realize how hurtful they are. He is always kidding me at how much water I displace int he tub. I haven’t said anything for a little while about it but last night I just had enough> I told him that I was doing all I could do to lose and he did not have to remindme of it all the time. Then this afternoon, I was telling him how nice it would be to weigh less then he so I would not feel like a monstor compared to him. He said, oh yes, you are bigger then all Chinese men. Ok, can I kick his butt! He is so much like my brother use to be. He would tease me unmercifully about being heavy but once he got the same problem, that came back to bit him in the butt!

I am feeling a bit tired and run down today. Baby has not really been not sick since we got back from the US which means she doens’t sleep well either. She was up so many times last night and now I feel worn out. The kids are with Dh going to the countryside with their grandparents. Makes it a loot quieter here so I am releived. Now, just waitin for my snack time to come around again. I enjoy my fruit and look forward to it like I use to look forward to ick. Good think huh? hehe. I am not hungry at all nor have any cravings but for some reason I can’t work out, I always want to snack when there is nobody home to watch me. Now, my family doens’t police what I eat but I think I have snuck around so long that it has become a habit more then anything. I am usually never alone but sometimes and then I have to be really careful because I want to go and snack because I feel “nobody” willknow. But you know what, I would know and the scale would know. I can’t do that to myself. Motivation coming up! I am getting nearer and nearer to my mini goal of 220,. You may wonder why I chose that number? That is 100 kg. I want to get there first. That was how much I weighed when I had my 2nd child. From there, get down to 85 and that is where I had my first. I really can’t wait to hit onderland and then get below that!

I Am Afraid

I am afraid to lose weight. I am afraid that I might not be the person I am today if I lose weight. I am afraid I might not be able to afford a whole new wardrobe. I am afraid that my friends and family may not accept a new thinner me. I am afraid that my family will not beleive I can keep the change I am afraid I can’t keep at goal I am afraid that my spouse will resent the fact that I have changed. I am afraid that I will miss out on activities that I currently enjoy. I am afraid that I will no longer be able to eat my favorite foods. I am afraid that I may gain the weight back. I am afraid that losing weight may not make me happy. I am afraid I won’t be any fun. I am afraid I still may not like myself. I am afraid I will still be invisible. I am afraid that even when I am at goal, I will never see myself really there. I am afraid that once I am at goal, what will I do  I am afraid that even at goal, I will still look fat. I am afraid I will always have to eat carefully and never be able to just eat what everyone else eats

 What If… I am happier thinner? My spouse and I have more intimate time together? I no longer hide in the shadows?  I actually look in the mirror and like who I am? I find more confidence? People compliment me and say I am “tiny” ? I ma the smallest one in my family? I am accepted finally? I c an wear anything? I can shop in the normal depts?  I don’t get diabetes? My friends and family love the thinner me? I love who I’ve become My friends and family Live healthier because if I can do it, so can they! I have more confidence and get a promotion to pay for that new wardrobe? I get a better job because I am willing to meet with people because I am no longer afraid that I will be rejected due to my weight? I sleep better at night due to the weight loss? Others treat me with more respect because I treat myself with more respect? I find that I love more people, things, places because I love myself more? I can fly on an airplane without feeling squished? I can play tag with my kids and enjoy it! I can play Hide and go Seek and actually HIDE! I find that I would rather take a walk on a beautiful summer night instead of sitting in the living room watching TV? I live an additional 30 (or more!) years without any health problems related to obesity? I don’t have to have knee replacement surgery because I no longer carry around an additional 50+ pounds? I can play with my children without tiring quickly?

I am still doing alright and going strong. No real cravings or anything so that is good that my body is getting back use to the way things hsould be. At times, yes, I do miss being able to eat without thinking of what and how it iwll affect me but on the whole, I feel better. Usually, I would feel lethargic after eating the things, I would feel sick to mystomach, I would hurt because of no gall bladder and so on. NOw, I don’t have any of those problems. It is well worth it really! Hubby is very attentive now. Sometimes it drives me crazy becuase I just want to be left alone at times., you kow what I mean. But I can’t say anytig because he will be hurt. Better to be desired then to be ignored. Tomorrow is a holiday so it will be nice to just rest, now, if I can just convince the baby to sloeep a little later. Tonight is Gu Qing’s bd so will have to be really careful in eating and seeing what is there. sigh, why do we have so many things associated with food! But it is good for me to train now and get use to things because this is a journey of everlasting , I can’t sto pjust when I meet goal!

I did not get much of a chance to finih my first post becuse I had to go to work. I called and they had my money, surprise surprise! I went on strike yesterday and it sure got some reactions., some I most definitely don’t want to know about! But it got the job done whereas nothing else would. I also know that the other place will hire me but waiting for a contract first! Have been doing well on the program. I am finding that I need less food now then I did orgnially. I am not trying to eat less, I just really want less. It does get tempting at times but not impossible. Went to the metro the other day and I found myself in the candy aisle, yum,. Looked so good but I thought about how I would really feel if I ate them. Yu see, I am like a cycloon. Once it starts, it just can’t stop dead in it’s tracks. It will strike randomly and without thinking about it and then just go away leave devastation in it’s path. Once I start, I just continue and will not stop but once I finally stop, I am so ful , almost exploding, feelign terrible, depression and so forth. And then I have to face my husband after that. He has learned not to say anything but his eyes say it all. He use to not let weight matter so much but after I lost so much last time, he knows what I could be and wants that. Now, I know some will say, don’t let your decison be for him. I can assure you, nope, not for him. I fight with him too much to want that to happen. I would eat and gain weight just to spite him. I do it for me. To feel better, more confident and not have to listen to some anonomous boy point out to his mama how fat the lady is. It hurts but I need that. If I become oblivious to the pain, that is when I don’t feel that I do’t do anything. Much like when you get hypothermia. It is when you start feeling warm and comfy and dont want to move , that is when you will die. So, I continue down my path to lose to goal. I have never been there except fleetingly while on my way up as a child so this time, I want to know. I want to just one day be thinner then my husband, to be smaller then he and not feel like the adominal snowman next to him. To look in the mirror and see someone I think looks good, to have confidence, to actually be able to buy something in the stores here.  All the benefits are there! Hwat are the disadvantages?? Yeah, I should not (notice I said I can’t) the bad food but look at what the bad food does to you! It is terrible on your body!  If I could control my portions, it owuld be fine but at this time, I cant control> Hello, my name is Rachel and I am a sugar addict! And as one, I can’t be around it, I can’t even indulge in a little.  Those cravings everyon surrenders too? Can an addict surrender, no. Thus, I continue