From Cocoon to butterfly

really! Seriously. Ok,  I see you rollingyour eyes and thinking, ok, this girl needs to be in a crazy house! But you know, seriously, I am glad that I got this chance because without it, I would have been much less of a persona nd learned less about things. So, what am I glad about in being fat:

By being fat, it has forced me to look more on the inside then the out.  I never had the chance to just concentrate on the outside and I am glad about htat. Haven’t you ever met a person who was so pretty but had no personality? Or, the only thing they really knew was about their appearance. By being fat, it has forced me to look on the inside of myself and see who I really am. Sometimes it wasn’t a pretty picture but I feel it has created me to be a better person.

It has taught me what it feels like to be a nobody.  How you become invisible when you are fat. It has taught me how to be kind to others. To think about their feelings and not about looks and peer pressure. It has taught me to be really me. When you are in the “in ” crowd, you have to conform to the pressure of the group. But when you are fat, you do what you want. Being fat has taught me to be real, to follow my heart.

I’m glad I am fat because it has taught me that I should treat all people equally no matter what they look like, sound like or where they are from. In being fat, I have learned that people can be really be mean to others just because of how they look. I know that every person has feelings and has a heart and no matter what they are like, they deserve a chance.

In being fat I know that how you treat someone is how they will feel. Self confidence is not just made up by the person but is also made by how others treat you. Think about how one comment on your blog, or someone complimenting you has made yoru day. We can help others so much just by smiling at them, telling them they did a good job or such.

In being fat I have learned that negativity can destroy a person. Many times I have felt horrible and like a monster because of all the comments I myself have said. Life is what you make it and being positive will make it go even better.

Being fat for so long, well, it is not the blame of restaurants, genetics or my mother. The blame lays solely on me. I am the one to drive to the places and buy lots of things. I am the one to buy a pack of oreos and then eat the whole thing. Sure, environment plays a role but the end result, it’s me. In life, I can’t look to blame others for my unhappyness, for my anger or anyting else. I should look to myself first before blaming others. No one can make you fat? Nor can one person make you happy. It is up to ourselves.

I have learned that however small the hope is, it is still hope. Thinking about how depressed I am in being fat, in how others treat me. What kept me going? The hope. When I have over 140 pounds to lose, so much so much, what keeps me going, the hope. It really hit me when I hit my first minigoal, the hope flamed brighter in my life. For the first time, Iw as thinking about that when I go to my brother in laws wedding, I am going to be a lot thinner then I am now. I was making plans, thinking abou tit. Hope burns so bright and it really keeps a person going!

Being fat has taught me that however far or distant the dream is , you can reach it. Nobody can hold you back but yourself. I beleive being fat has made me stronger and a bette rperson. In going on the weight loss journey, it has taught me control and  strength to continue no matter what. It has taught me that no matter what people say, I have to beleive I can do it and I will do it!

Thank you everyone so much for your compliments and praise for getting to my minigoal. (first among many) It means the world to me to be able to open up my email box and find so many commnets from you and makes my day that much brighter! But for the really great, gotta get it mounted and framed news…

I actually had someone notice that I lost weigh today without any subliminal messages from me!!  I am so so happy. How to explain. Over here, very few people will compliment you on losing weight. You see, as the lady was explaining to me, I am so fat to begin with that when they see me next time, albeit a little thinner, I am still so fat to them that they don’t notice. Now, this may sound harsh to you but that is the way over here. Fact is, even when I got to size 10 years ago, I did not get that many compliments so when I get something, I want to frame it and remember it forever. So, this blog is framing it to remember it when those  low days hit. I was at the fish store buying some fish for my son’s tank. Now, this lady and I have been friends forever! Well, about seven years I would say. She has watched my kids grow up and all that and I stop by to talk to her when I get a chance. She was talking and then suddenly, she says , your face is thinner”. Yeah! I told her, yep, I was losing weight again since having the baby and she said she could tell I was thinner now. Feels pretty good and although I don’t need it to continue, it sure helps to make things better.

whoohooo! Feeling good! TOM has finally passed away, at least for this month. And I got my first mini goal! WOw, this feels almost as good as being at goal, ok guys, I did say almost! LOL But it feels good. I have to say, if you don’t have mini goals, you should most definitely set them because when you hit them, it is like a prize in itself! I should think of a reward? Well, I did buy myself a smaller shirt yesterday. Still can’t wear it but hoping by summer I can wear it. That will be my prize for this time. Been doing well and keeping on track this week despite a stupid dream last night. I ate some candy bar in my dream and when I realzied I did that, I was trying to figure out what was I going to do since weigh in was today. So funny that I do that in my dreams! The only thing I do know is that I haven’t been really feeling up to eating that much. My fil doesn’t make that much for me but lately, even that, I haven’t wanted too much of it. Maybe becuase I have a cold and don’t feel up to eating so much , who knows.  But really am feeling better. I am even starting to go outside without my …gasp… (ok get your mind out of the gutter) … jacket! I always wear a jacket over my clothes because it is bigger and I really do hide in it honestly. WEll, I actually went to class on Firday without it. A first because usually I wait till I am almost boiling before I do it. And then yesterday, I wetn otu without it shopping and wore some nice clothes and actually felt nice. One shirt I bought too small for me in the US but now it fits. THe skirt I had the waist taken in.. Feels good. Good enugh to continue this journey and feel even better!!

Thank you everyone for your kind comments on my last post. It really does make me feel great that people are out there who really care for each other and not just themself. I have been doing well here although tonight, almost spaced out on snacks but I did not let myself go. This week has been a bit stressful with the baby still sick and not really sleeping at night and also this week, taking all my classes out to the park for a picnic. I am showing them how to make different sandwiches and also to make Easter Eggs. It has been a challange but fun. I have also been able to get my exercise with them becuase of the way they group off and get on the hill in dfferent places for to visit each group, I have to climb a bit and loved it!

On my other forum, some of the ladies there are feeling the pressure to give up, feeling no motivation and such. I wish I could just yell out to them and say, look, you always say you want to lose such and such an amount but you keep coming up with excuses of why you can’t and then you fall so much you don’t get back on. But I can’t do that. I can be straight on some things but with that, I have to keep to my business. But it made me focus a bit inward to myself. What motivates me to continue to lose wieght. I am not talking about getting to goal motivation. IT will be great to get to all my wants on the list but those will not come till 130 or more pounds. What is more immediate that motivates me now? What makes me feel, yes, I am doing it? Or, this is so worth it?

1. When I look in the mirror and I see my butt going down and not look like a counter that would support a bowel

2. Having all my shirts and skirts growing too big on me

3. My husband looking at me with desire in his eyes now and not disgust

 4. For each comment about how fat I am,  it motivates me to keep going

5. wearing size 8 underwear

6. to actually see under 100 on the scale (kgs)

7. weighing less then I was at nine months preg. with both of my girls

8. Control

 9. having proof that my mother was wrong, I did start and I am doing it

10. my kids complimenting me

11. liking myself a little better now

I am sure there will be more as I keep going down but I feel these are sufficient enough to keep me going now.

I wanted to make a blog where I list where I want to be in weight, as in  my minigoals , and the reasons. I just want to list them so I never forget where I was and where I am going.

220 pounds: I want this because I weigh in KGs over here and that is 100kg, the onderland of kilograms. This is also just a little less then I was when I was in labor with my daughter!

199 onderland of course. To be able to see a one and not a two would be terrific!

195.8 pounds =89 kg. Because this puts me below the 9’s in kg

184.8 pounds=84 kg  This is how much I was when I was in labor with my son

173.8 pounds=79 kg  I just loves the seventies in kg

156.2 pounds=71 kg  In 2006, I managed to get this low.

151.8 pounds=69 kg. This is the magic number. For whatever reason, 70 kg is a cursed number for me to get below. Getting below this shows I faced the curse and won!

148 pounds=67.2 kg  I was this much when I got married

138 pounds=62.7  This is what I weighed when I was in ninth grade and lost over 90 pounds and this was the smallest I ever got and was almost into a size 7.

137 pounds I am now officially the smallest I have ever been in my life (except as a child)

129.8 pounds  59 kg  This is a two part , one is that I officially will be in the 120’s and to hit the fifties in Kg, wow, almost in the normal dept over here!

123.2 pounds 56 kg  I am now lighter then my husband!

120 pounds 4.5 kg  My first goal. If I am happy with it, I will keep with this size but I will get five more down for breathing room and stop.

115 pounds 52.2 kg  This gives me where i want if happy and some breathing room for a few pounds of gain froms alt, TOM or anything else

110 pounds  50 kg  This is the lightest I want to be. I don’t know where I got this number but this is the number I have always fantasized about all my life. Just to hit it once, wow, that would be too cool.

So, these are my goals in kg and pounds. I am so excited because I see the first goal being met and look forward to them all being met and saying that I did it!!

My husband can be so supportive and so stupid at the same time. Hmm, guess that is all men really. Anyhow. He has been so excited over me finally getting my weight off again. You see, I lost down till 157 in 2006 and then got pregnant and gained it all back less a few pounds. He was disgusted with my gain and always fussed at me for it but I knew that I had to do it myself if I was going to do it. If I did it for him, I would be eating again the first moment we argued. Well, Finally started it once I got back from the US and have been doing well. And he is so proud to the point, he is funny and a bit strange. FIrst is that he is a bit too , over friendly but that is to be expected. The next, very very involved in the process. He likes to talk about how things are with me and whta I feel. He also keeps up with how much I lose and what I weigh at any given moment. He is better at remembering it then I am! Anyway, he has alreayd come up with a graph of what I will weigh at any given time this year. Too funny but in a weird way, usually he is so close. like, I will weigh myself on Monday and ask him, ok, guess how much i have lost. He gets so close it is uncanny! I think men are very fact and analytical and they are good with math and such. I am a ditz when it comes to that. Some people have asked me if that someitmes makes me nervous with him “breathing down my neck” but to be honest, it doesn’t. I really just ignore it most of the time. I am doing this for me and not for him so whatever happens, it is me and my body. That is really how I feel. Yes, it does provide a bit of motivation as to keep him proud but it still boils down to what makes me happy!

I am getting excited because I am getting so close to my mini goal. I weighed today but did not change my weight onsite yet. I want to wait till Monday and then do so. My daughter told me that my face was not round now so that tickled me! she is only six. But both kids know I am trying to lose weight and they are happy for me. I have a wedding to attend on May first and wish I could look really good for it but I know I will only be soso. BUT my brother in law’s wedding will be in Oct. and I know I will be down pretty good by then, I can’t wait!

Things are going well here. I am happy that sometimes my posting can help others, it really makes my day and as much as it helps you guys, iit helps me even more,  preaching to the choir is my middle name!  But I am feeling so much better these days and I seem to have finally gotten out of that funk i was in last week. Now, If I can only get my youngest to beleive that sleeping is good for you *she’s a baby* I’ll have it made! hehehe

On another thread of throught., I had someone ask me to list down things that have changed about me since losing weight, not just the number on the scale decreasing but what have I noticed about me. That caused me to step back and think. It is easy enough to think of all the changes that I would “like ” to see once I get to goal but what about now? I think it is wrong to measure ourself to our one big goal. I mean, do we instantly have a husband, children, house, cars and so on. No, our big goal is to have all that and be financially secure but we can’t measure our sucess according to the big picture. It is the small steps in the right direction that we measure our success. First we met a nice man, Then we date. Who doesn’t remember their first date with their sig. other? Small step but means so much. Then we get serious. Engagement (remember how he popped the question) all these little steps lead up to a bigger one. That is how we should view our weight loss. Not in the whole picture but in the small steps. And we should celebrate each success no matter how trivial they might be to others. I have had people laugh at some of my goals. Shall I share them: To get in the tub without both thighs touching the side. To have the towel close all the way around.  To wrestle with my husband and NOT win. Just some of them but I measure my success by them. Not just that, but also by our thinking. We have to change our thinking or none of what we do matters. Again, taking the issue of marriage. Marriage is sacred and don’t get me wrong but what really marries you?? The ring on your finger?  Standing in front of a preacher? Oh, maybe the wedding dress? That slip of paper. But you know, none of it makes you married. What makes you married is how you view yourself and how your attitude changes.  Before, being single, we approached things in a different attitude and way. After marriage, things change and we change. OUr outsides don’t change so much but it is what is on the inside that is so important. The same way with losing weight. Yeah, you can lose it but if your attitude doesn’t change with it, if you don’t accept the responsiblities of being thin and eating right, you will end up in a nasty divorce with your thinness and I am afraid you will end up having to pay child support becuase you are going to have plenty of pounds to support. WE have to change , not just the clothes and the body, but the mindset. WE must learn what it takes to stay thin and be responsible for keeping that. You can’t ignore your responsibilites but you must actively be aware of them all the time. And this journey to weight loss, it is a journey that must never end. Do you get married thinking, ok, I am going to stay married until such and such date. After that, I am finished!  Of course not, you know you are entering into a lifetime committment. Things will change but you stay with each other. Same with losing weight. We can’t just look at our goal weight and the time, I am finished with dieting. This is not a simple illness that can be cured. We will have it all our lives. WE are on a lifetime committment. To be successful, happy and loving ourselves, we must be prepared to keep with it for the rest of our lives. Reaching goal is not the magic pill that says, ok, all is fine. Your life will still be yoru life no matter thick or thin. I have lost and gained so mnay times that I know, I will never be able to stop. I will always have to be on guard against gaining it back becuase it sure is easy. But if I keep from having affairs with bad food by always be cautious and always be faithful to my body and plan, My marriage with my thin body will stand the trial of time and chocolate.

I have been so struggling against mindless munching for a while here. Did not know what was wrong with me and it worried me a lot. Fact is, I even thought about just takinga  meal off and eating some dumplings. Eek! But then my husband came up with an idea, maybe I needed more salt so I added a little salt in my food (I try not to use much) and it was almost an instant cure. I felt much better and the cravings went away. So, you ask, why does cravings equal success. Well, it was a really strange thing but I weighed in on Sat. and only lost 2.2 pounds. Then wehn I weighed in on Monday, I had lost 3.5! I ate the same way except for some salt so this has me thinking a little. Perhaps the cravings are caused by different things but I think this time it meant my metobolism was speeding up (good thing becuase it is like a granny driving, that slow!) and I was hungry because my body was using up more fat. That is a great thing! After weighing in and seeing that, it made me feel great! It also made me think how worth it it was to resist the feeling to eat, I was repayed in bulk for not doing that so I feel so much better. All the skirts that I bought in America in Feb. are all getting too big now. That feels even better! That means I am really losing weight! But it also means I need to get them taken in. I only have a few skirts that are going to fit me now. I threw out all my clothes last time I got to 150 so that means I have some work to do to get there again but I am waiting and hoping, hoping and waiting. I guess it is like being in the military. Just when youf eel you can’t go any longer, you are pushed the the max, then success comes to you. Soldiers have to work for what they go. Running every day to build endurance, going through all types of races and such to build speed, doing many things to get ready. At first, they feel exhausted and that they don’t know how to go from one day to the next but they keep pushing because the training will result in….. Success! After the training continues, it gets easier, the feeling of it. Body gets toughened., faster and stronger. That is how we must face things. At first, we are just so excited about losing weight but day after day, it gets grueling. But if we keep it up, practicing good eating, not giving into cravings, we become stronger, better and tougher. We know by keeping it up we will find …. dare we say it… success! So, when times get tough, remember we are in boot camp right now. If we instantly grad. from boot camp without learning anything or becoming stronger, when real opposition comes (living at goal) we will fall every time and be killed (gained it all back)

Still struggling with those stupid cravings. Perhaps it is the stress of having the kids sick and worrying so much about it? I had thought it was because of when I don’t have so much to do, then it happens but yesterday I was in class and still had those feelings. Hmm, all I can figure is to just wait it out and be strong. After all, how can we learn to resist without going through the battle and letting it train us to be strong. I can and I will do this!! All I have to do is think about why it is worth it to resist??

Single digit clothes,  men actually flirting with me, men taking second looks when I walk by and not becuase my butt is so big, my butt actually looking like a normal butt and not like you can put a bowl and eat from there, looking in the mirror and not seeing my brother’s body looking back at me, wearing a pencil slim skirt, not getting diabetes like my mother, being thinner then my mother, being the smallest one in my family, not feeling out of place next to my husabnd. Being able to lookin the mirror when I and my husband are taking a bath and not feeling so ashamed when I see us , being able to wear sexy nightwear and let the light on,  to get on the plane and not be scared about if the seatbelt will fit me, to be able to wear all the clothes in my closet and then have them all too big! To go to any store I want and be able to buy cute clothes, not just old lady like clothes, to have my clothes fit properly, To not be reminded of sausages when I look at my legs, To weigh less then my husband, to let him be able to pick me up and it not be a labor, to get to my office and not be out of breath from climbing the stairs, to not be ashamed  of myself, to love myself…..

hmm, you know, I do feel better now. From negative to postive. Good idea.

Thank you everyone, for your comments on my last blog. I should clarify myself a bit. I am not afraid of my children not loving me for being fat but for being an embarrassement to them. You see, things work different here then they do in the States. To tell someone that they are fat is no big deal. You wo9uld not beleive how many times I am told that when I go outside. I try to not let it bother me and also use it to keep my motivated and going. When I am feeling too big for my breeches (a big head, not a big butt hehe) it quickly brings me back to earth on what I need to do and aloso I think start to think about not giving up and why it means so mcuh to me to keep on going down. As a result of peoploe doing that, my kids teachers also tell them that their mother is so fat or their classmates. Makes me feel horrid. I have had my kids come home and ask me why I was so fat. IN fact, today, I was having trouble with my skirt, too big so the back keeps coming to the front, and my son asked me why> i told him I was losing weight so it was getting too big. NOw, he is seven, he says, good, I am glad you are losing weight and then we left for school. So, the kids do mind especially when it is their mother on display. Also doesn’t help matters in that the attention is already so much on me with beign a foreigner and a woman, both of which are very few and hard to find int his city. THen add three kids to the mix and I am so in the spotlight so adding the weight to it all, well, not a pretty picture.

I was talking to my mother last night and think I made her unhappy, not a hard thing to do bahahaha. Anyway, I was telling her I was losing and already lost 27 and sshe then started to say that it was too much and too fast and all that. But the real reason is she really did not beleive me when I told her that once I come back home I would get bakc on plan and loseso it surprised her. Plus, she then started to grump about how she needed toget back to losing weight. She is diabetic and really shoud be watching her weigh anyway but she eats all kinds of sugar treats and such. While i was there, she claimed it was just for me but IIIIIII know the real reason. heheh.

Ok, back to my topic, mindless eating. I have a question for you guys. WHen I am home , alone, not much to do or should I say, not much I want to do, I then get into the urge to mindless eat. I am not hungry nor have any cravings at all *thank God*  But I feell I just want to go and stuff my mouth with whatever I can find. Drives me nuts. Now, when I am busy with owrk or whatever, I am fine but when I am not, watch out inner demons.  I don’t know what to do to stop that cycle. I have a cup of black coffee right now to have something in my hands and mouth but I want to be able to conquer that feeling. Any ideas? Yeah, I could get busy doing something but I really hate being busy all the time and when I get some time, it is a treat, except for that feeling of mindless eating. I know I use to do it before so it is a habit, when everyone was gone, I would stuff myself full so no one would know how much I ate or what I ate. But now, I am accountable to myself and I don’t want to do that. So, hmmm, how to stop this or can it be stopped? wsill I always have to struggle with that feeling?