From Cocoon to butterfly

Today is day 79 and still abstinant. I am so thankful I have been able to stay clean and eating right but it sure is a day to day thing. Things are going alright but so ready for a break but, alas, this weekend will not be one. So mad at my husband for doing that to me. I have not had three weekends in arow off so I was really looking forward to having this Sunday off but no, what does he do but he has a class set up. Really upset about it and made sure he knew it.  My sponser says I should learn to do boundries but also to be accepting of things I can’t change. But that line is so think that I am not sure where and what. There are totally different cultures, chinese and american and trying to explain that to her, well, I know it is difficult to comprehend. Things I coulde say int he US, can’t ebe said here. Boundries I could lay down in the US, can’t be laid down here. So, what to do, just take the time and wait for God to lead me the right way.

I also called my mom this morning and had a really pleasant conversation. Funny how when we are apart for a long time, we get along really well and talk more but when we are living close together, things get heated and we have a rougher time. I have been worried about visiting in the US this time becuase I have to continue withthe plan and not eat thngs I should not. That is troubling for me because  I am also a people pleaser and have worked very hard to have a working relationship with my mother and father. But I can’t risk my abstinance people pleasing and I did worry about what I would do and say. But we were talkinga nd God made an opening. She was talking about how she had gained some weight from last year so I starting talking about things I was doing and also asking her to have such and such ready for me when I come because that was the way I was eating. I don’t think it really hit her how serious I am till it came to when we were talkigna bout my bd. She says she will not send anything to me (next week) but wait and have a party for me and my sister when I come (her bd is in August and that is when we will both be there) She was talking about what food would be ther and also what she would do and then she mentioned that my brother was bringing a black forest cake. Don’t get me wrong, I love that kind of cake! But she was so proud to have such a good and expensive cake but I told her, thanks but I would let everyone else have it because I just wanted to be with them. She says, you can stll have a piece, nope, just one bite, I told her that I will not because one bite is too much and a 1000 is not enough and it is true. One bite and I can’t get off of binging for months or even years. She said I should follow something I could live with but I assured her what I was doing, I would be living with because that is the only hope for me. Although she doens’t quite understand, I was at least glad to have an opening to talk a little bit with her about it. Last time, there was no opening except she thought I was crazy but I am really crazy for wanting to go through life withouth flour and sugar? I don’t think so, I think it is a smart and necessary move. Without it, I can never stay abstinace. But I am happy I was able to say no.

Man, this has been such a long week, shoot, just a long month. China has a habit of makiing you make up the holiday that yougot to rest but then have to make up for it the weekends so what holiday? Hate hate hate it! So,, really looking forward to the end of Sat. because then I finally can rest one day and then June 30th I am done with work till Sept. 1st. Good and bad, good for the rest but bad in that I don’t get paid during the summer, nuts. O’well. Things are going pretty good for me and I am thanking God every day for finding FA.  Without it, I just don’t think I could, ok, honestly, I would not make it another day of being clean. I still have a lot to learn but I am learning every day and just thankful that things don’t have to change all at once but it takes time.  My sponser says I can qualify when I go to the States. wow, I would hnave never thought that would have been possible but now, Ia m gradually beleiveing it! Now, just planningon what to bringon the plane for the kids. If anyone out there has travelled with kids for a long time on the plane, what is a good food to bring and what are good toys to bring. We will be flying about 19hours if that gives you any ideas?

Has been awhilesince posting here. Just have been busy and even as I am typing, I Have a hundred other things I should be doing but they will sit in their computer window till I am done here. my in laws are trying to make me feel guilty for going home during the summer. You see, during the summer, I usually have to take a lot of classes at my husband’s school (he operates and Engish training center) and since I a m leaving, theyhave to find someone else. On one hand, it is not my problem but on the other hand, it does bring money into my house. I did not choose summer to go because I wanted to get even but I had to wait till the kids were out of school and going swimming is on top of the list for the kids. So, I am trying to learn to deflect, no matter what they do or say, it will not hurt me in the long run except if I do let it bother me and make me pick up food. But I will not. I am squecky clean now, no sugar, no flour, no caffiene, weighed and measured food. May sound like a pain to a lot of you but for me, this is a wayof life and shall have to continue to be a way of life from now on. If I don’t, my way of life goes down the tube! I know it will be rough when I go to the states to deal with my mother’s remarks but I have to look at it in the whole picture and not int he emotional moment. Ok, work is calling.

I have been meaning to write a post for a while now. I keep bringing up th epage to post and then someting happens and I don’t get to it. So, have about ten minutes before I have to go to class and so I wanted to catch up on everything. Things are going really well. I made it to my 34 days! Day by day is the only way to go, if I had to really think of what I have to do and eat fo rthe rest of my life, I just could not handle it but just taking it day by day and meal by meal, I can do it and it feels great! I am even off of coffee now. I really did not want to give it up but the phone conference I am attending does not want us on it. So, a couple of days with no energy and now I am doing alright although I do miss my coffee or tea. But I am feeling so great in being clean, eating right and getting closer with God. It has been such a long time since I have been able to feel good And also lose weight again. It just took one bite and I lost all control I had and gained back about 1/2 of what I lost, that is half of 120 pounds for those who don’t know. I am just thankful that I found FA before I gain all of it back. My husband is so happy also. For the balanced moods, the happyness, confidence and smaller body. I only weigh in once a month so he was excited to see me weigh. Losing the weight has been great but just finding peace in my life has been so worth it. Plus, I am being so much more productive! Before, I was like a hamster in a wheel, busy running running and running but really not getting anything done. Now, all this time that I use to use in binging and planning my binges, I am useing them for good, for cleaning and other things. It feels good, really good!

I am also seeing God changing me more and more. For a few weeks, I have been worrying over my job. I only have a contract till the end of June and I really needed to ask if they would be rehiring me or not but I kept putting it off and putting it off and letting fear immobilize me. Well, I was reading in the bible and God says to cast all our cares on him, to not let room in for fear. So, I felt I should face my fear and I went and talked to my supervisor. He is very confident that I will be getting ht ejob back but waiting for official word. It feels good to just let the fear go and face it like David faced Goliath. He faced his fear and God was with him as God is with me at all times. So for today, don’t eat no matter what, no matter what, don’t eat

I can’t beleive it, more then 19 days. Only with the power of GOd, I could not do it myself. Found myself wanting to snack this morning. It seems to hit me when I am at home and just bored. Oh, I have things I have to do , like that pile of laundry but that urge still hits me. I think what I need to do is have a plan in place when I am home so that I keep busy. But I really am feeling much better then yesterday.

I have hope, a contentment. I will not say that the hope has all the way arrived, maybe it will never but what I am feeling right now is like a ship wreck survivor. You are on a boat for days maybe more and your hope is giving out. You search the horizon over and over hoping for a breathe of land or a ship coming. When you hear a loud noise, you hold your breathe hoping it is an airplane and rescue is coming. Little by little, your hope dies. You feel there is just no chance of rescue and depression sets in. When I am in the food, I am wanting to be rescued so bad, please someone, anyone help me but I can’t stop. I am trapped by the food to that boat in the middle of the sea. I feel alone, isolated and there is noone to see because I am hiding and making myself adrift int he sea with no hope left. I keep shoving things in my mouth and I can’t stop, depression, knowledge I am going to die if no help comes

LO, look in the horizon! A glimpse of white! As the current brings us closer, I see a sail growing, it is a ship! Rescue is coming! Relief floods my system in knowing I will not die. Yes, they are not here yet but they see me and I see them. They are coming. Hope floods my emotions and I am estatic because I am going to be rescued! They are going to take me out of this ship that is caught int he currents with no hope of land. God has come to rescue me. He lead me to the FA program and although I still see water around me and sharks of emotions are still circling around me, I feel hope, flooding my body and mind. I know that rescue is immenent. I don’t have to worry because my raft, hopelessly caught adrift in the current, will soon stop. I will be taken into the arms of my loving GOD and his ship is so big that currents of emotion, sharks of situation can not touch me. Happiness floods me and my eyes tear up. Rescue is coming and hope has come to stay!

Can you beleive it, I am actually in day 19 of living clean. This is the longest I have ever gone in a few years and it makes me glad. There have been a few close calls but all in all, with the power of GOd I am getting through all the tough spots and such. It is especially hard to live like this in China. I was invited to eat by someone I was helping and they ordered all the expensive dishes and I could not eat a single one. I had warned them I was bringing my own food but they still did it. Comes from this culture of when you say no, you are really saying yes. So, I had to say no and stuff my pride in appearing to be so different. It would not be so bad if they just ignored it but they bring it to everyone’s attention so they are all asking me why I am not eating their food. *Sigh* But living clearn means more to me then my pride so I have to get use to eating humble pie I suppose.

I am starting my AWOL (a way of life) soon and I hope and pray it really helps me with not just the eating but with life. Today, I somehow misplaced, lost or someone picked up my documents that also had my airline tickets. Of course I was freaking out an dlooking all over my house. If it was just my husband and I , it would not be so bad but my house is grand central station! So, still haven’t found it and my husband was looking and of course blaming me for not putting such important things up and pretty much treating me like a child who did something wrong. Yes, I got upset at him and had to work hard to hold my tongue although one time I did lash out. When I got to thinking about it, this was not the way I am suppose to be living. I know this was  a huge red flag for me becuase in response to the emotions of the moment, guess where my thoughts went….food. Where I should be going to God for his power and calmness, I am thinking food. When that happened, yes, I then went to prayer but it still upsets me that I let myself just slide right back into the old me. We are suppose to keep calm about things, to think about how to treat people right. Fo rme, I am upset about how my husband was acting and treating me but you know what, I can’t blame him! I was thinking what if my husband was telling me he did not know where over 7000dollars in tickets were. Yes, I would be treating him the same way. So, in both ways, we were both right but we were also both wrong. I have to learn how to treat others with patience and kindness. I just don’t know how. Only with GOd. That is the only way and also thinking before speaking. So, how to use kindness for all, no matter what. And how to use kindness in the right way, not in a way to be run all over?

Today opens up day 12 of living clean. I did not think I could reach this day but you know what, taking things day to day really does help. Sometimes I want to jump ahead of myself and worry and fear about another day but that doesn’t work well. When Jesus was born, he had to have had the knowledge of what was going to happen. He did have it when he was a child and if it had been me, I would have been frozen in fear of knowing what will happen. Maybe even resentful of the whole human race, why should I help you when all you will do is kill me. But Jesus lived in the day to day. He loved in the day to day. He knew the end was coming for him but he also knew the results of that end that it would bring a new beginning to all of us. And that is how I feel I am doing now. Yes, doing 12 steps is hard, not turning to food for comfort is really hard but I know in the end, it is the right thing to do because it brings an end to the old me and a new beginning ot the new me.

My sponser was telling me I needed to tell my mother how I was eating and such so she would be prepared when I come home in July about how I am. I did try to gently bring things up but I could feel my mother exasperationa bout it. She doesn’t understand it and thinks I am taking things too far. When I told her I was a food addict, she just sighs and says Rachel in this voice, you know that mother voice they use when they think you are abot to jump the deep end. Anyway, I backed off and did not tell her anymore. They are already eating pretty healthy although I sitll have to be stricter with myself then they are. I am wondering if I should just not say anything and whwen I get home, just take care of it right then? Or should I jump off that deep end now with my mom? I don’t know. I know if I tell her I just can’t do sugar and flour for all my life she will not understand but if an alcoholic told you they can’t do any alcoholic things for the rest of their lives, would you not understand.  I have a fear of my mom and I still seek to please her. I must stop being a people pleaser for I only have to please God, that is my purpose in life. But what to say to mom???

I can’t wait till I can type day 30, that is my new goal, I so want this , really really want this. Things are going alright with me. Went yesterday to Shanghai to pick up my tickets for going home for a visit and also to renew my son’s passport. Long trip and still have to make it back there to pick the new passport up in about 10 days or so. But have to get new pages for mine so guess will do two things at one time. The weird thing about buying tickets this time is I am not that excited about going home. Usually I am estatic bu tthis time I am almost depressed about it. I can’t figure it out. Could be a number of reasons.  Number one would be the money! Egads! Plane tickets keep going up steadily yet they keep cutting back on everything else. I am not a person that usually aggravates the people I buy tickets from but yesterday I was. Usually I fly Northwest but as some know, Delta has taken that over. Well, in taking it over, they have changed a lot and a lot is not for good. I am not too happy about a lot of things and fussed abou tit with the man, of course, he really did not care. I can promise you I iwll not fly Delta after this! They cut the meals from two to just one and this is on a 16 to 19 hour flight!  So I will be carrying more food with me this time. They don’t even have a plane for th etrip yet so could not even reserve the seats yet and the flight from here to the States is always super full and I have three kids, all under ten, that I have to keep with me. I asked him about where the kids will sit and he says, Delta puts them in the very back of the plane. Oh , great. For others, yes, seems a good solution so you donh’t have to hear kids but in the back is where the toilets are so you have lines there, people loitering there, and let’s not forget any wonderful scents wafting through. The engines of the planes are back there so pretty loud and what about watching a movie? No convenient screens for watching movies unless you have great eyes. *sigh* I can vventure a guess why all of a sudden kids are moved back is that before you could get the bulkhead seats but they are changing seats into “economy plus” so you pay more to have a little bit more room, oh yeah, not a little bit of room, the same amount that we use to always have but for those of us that are already paying over 4000 in plane fares, I can’t afford four seats  up there, I get to stay where there is even less space. These are the times I really want to give up flying but living where I am, can’t really take a car to America can I? If I could, I think I would! I don’t know, there juust is a whole bunch of mess I can’t  beleive. Then I am flying from my parents and taking a few days in Tenn. then continue back to China. So, I am flying international but since I am taking an extra leg to Tenn, I have to pay for my luggage, 25 for the first and 30 for the next. I mean, come on, I am already paying my first born child to you for a ticket and now I have to pay more for my luggage. I can’t wait till they start to charge for carry on. Then, you wait, you will have to pay for the toilet! then the pillows and blankets, headsets and one day in the future, they will just weigh you and depending on how many pounds you are, you have to pay a certain amount

Ok, sorry for all that complaining, have to get it out of my system so it will be out and not festering inside waiting for me to feel it food “drugs” to feel better. I am going on day six today of eating clean. Feels good. We were near a starb8ucks yesterday, oh man. For you living in the states, that is nothing bu8t for me, that is like an oasis. We don’t have it in my city so I don’t see one for years and when I see one, picture a man in rags, tongue hanging out as he crawls to the water. That would be me. But I looked at it calmly and just said, well, we had it good before. No more.  I can say yes, I honestly mourn the loss but it is a good decision. The coffee is pretty much a lot of sugar with a bit of coffee. The food there, well, let’s not even think about it. It is for the best really. The chance to get to my goal weight and stay there, not worth that! The chance to have peace, contentment, and control, junk is not worth it. So, buddies , here is to heading towards day 30!

Well, today markes day four for me and feeling good. I am pretty sure it is four or maybe five but no mattre, I am feeling pretty good although a bit tempermental. My husband has been sick for almost 1/2 a month and walks around the house like a zombie. Ask him to do something, you would have better luck to ask the wall to do something for you first so the load is very muhc heavy for me right now. Aggravating. I ttried to be understanding but after awhile, it gets tiring. I got the same cold he has had and guess what, still went to work and still kept going. Him, he has to be sleeping all day and night. Gets me mad really and he will not talk to anyone at all, well, except for his sister an dmother. Makes me feel really loved, you know what I mean. But I am trying not to let that get to me. I can’t change anyone no matter how much I complain and yes, I sure can complain. My sponser keeps telling me I need to get more help but she really doesn’t undeerstnad that the load really is on me to do everything no matter how much I yell or set boundries. My father in law is here with us to help but pretty much he has gotten really lazy and doesn’t really help with the kids anymore. I can’t really get mad at him because rationally, it isn’t his job, it is my job and with me around, my little one doesn’t want anyone but me. So, I have to learn how to change myself and not try to change everyone else. The thing is, how do I cahnge the way I respond? How do I develop more patience in dealing with the kids. How do I become a better mom? I have no idea at this moment and just doing all I can to keep out of the food. The first bite I take of the food, my mood really becomes uncontrollable. If , when clean I have trouble controlling my temper, being in the food makes it 100 times even worse. Right now, going through detox. Yes, anyone that is a food addict can tell you that coming off and getting clean is hard and you have to go through detox and so I am trying to keep balanced while going trough that. Even today, home all day but the food calls to me but I know it is calling because 1. I am tensed up and 2. Mad at my husband. But can I really place all my blame for eating on him, no. I was fat before I met him so it is me that has to change. I was mad this morning because he is always gone right now and I Need to get all the documents ready for my son to get his passport renewed. Such a hassle when you are overseas sometimes with the visas, working and so on. But that man has not done one little thing to help me. But I am not takig the problem to food but I need to take my problem to God. ONly He can help me. One great thing is I will be going to see some precious friends of mine when I go back home for a visit in July. I can’t wait. They are so dear to my heart and already in their 80’s. They took me in their home when I had no where to go even though they did not know me from Adam. They loved me and made me their “unofficial” daughter and helped me through breaking up an abusive relationship. I haven’t seen them in many yhears but I am taking some money and putting it to seeing them. Will have to do it the tailend of my journey because my mom is jealous of my time so I figure I will tell her I am leaving for China but in fact, flying into Tenn. to visit my friends for a few days. It works. Going to buy the tickets tomorrow so excited about that!

Yesterday was My daughter’s birthday and I was fearful of that. First I had to go pick up the cake in my fav. bakery. Well, I made up my mind to not buy anything else and I did that! Yeah. Then my father in law made all my daughter’s fav. dishes , mine also, and it looked good but I kept to my own food. There is no use in obscessing about things, or thinking if only because pretty much this has to be my whole life. I can’t just eat it anymore. Still hard to accept but I am trying. One thing I have trouble with is giving this to God. I know if I do, this will become easier but it will always have challanges. But for today, only today, with God’s help I can do this. God help me change the I can’t into I can.

WEll, back again and getting back into my journalling. I quit using my tools when my sponser’s computer went down and we could not corospond. My fault really. In my mind I keep trying to throw the blame on him because he wasn’t there, he did this, he di dnot do this but the fact is, it all boils down to me. People can do what they want and will do what they want but what I do with that is my own responsibilty. How I react is my own actions. I can’t use my sponser to be my warden, watching all my movements and such. I have the key and if I use it or not to gain my freedom, it is my job. I am in a prison of my own making but within my dark, dank prison cell, I have the key to unlock the doors and gain my freedom. My sponser is not my warden to make sure I stay in but she is the person tha tis there to coach me on how to free myself. When I take that first bite, I am just backing up into my cell and shutting the door, shutting myself up! No one does it for me, I do it to myself! This has been the hardest journey but I also know that in doing it, it will be the most rewarding for me. I am not happy with myself at all! I am miserable, my health is showing a bit of it, my clothes don’t fit and I am locking myself up and not really reaching out to people. It is me, nobody else. I have a sickness, an addiction and the only way to get out of it is to use to use the tools given to me. I can’[t do it by myself but only with the power of God and my sponser. My skype kept going down and it got harder and harder to get ahold of my sponser. Then it got to where I was getting frustrated getting up in the morning and still not able to get ahold of him so I quit getting up in the morning. I have to be honest here, I also was using it for an excuse to be able ot change sponsers. I am not good with conflict, I rather have someone else do or say rather then me so I used this as an excuse to change as I wanted to. Is that bad, I don’t know if I can say bad or good but I do need to become more honest. Goodness, I have the greatest fear of the step of where we have to do a self inventory about all we wronged and so on. But I am not going to think abou tthat today, only take today and not think about the rest at this time. But I did finally get fed up with myself and the gaining and said that I am going to find a new sponser and stop putting it off and God is good, I found one and without even saying what I wanted , she was all I needed so I am excited about that. Today is day two so day by day.  I do want to get back in the habit of blogging every day so I can have a visual of how my emoitons are and how I am feeling abou things. Tomorrow I want to blog about manna!