From Cocoon to butterfly

Things have been interesting and frustrating for me. I am at work right now because it seems to be the only place I can really find time to think and do things. I love my kids and home but sometoimes I miss those single days where you had so much more time. My job is still turning out pretty good although there are things I would like to change but hey, who doesn’t.

Visit from sister went a whole lot better then I thought it was and let me tell you, it did start out badly. My sister told me she was coming on the 4th so I went to pick her up fro the airport. Left the city late because of his family and then multiple highways were closed so we ended up getting to the airport very very late. Then could not find her. come to find out, she was not aware that when you come over here, you gain a day so she was actually coming on the 5th. Duh on me! But it was a good practice run. I really did enjoy my sis being here. It gave us a chance to really talk and get to know each other. So, are we all sisterly now, nah, it takes time for people to get gto know each other and I don’t altogether trust her since she tells my family every littl ething. It will take time I suppose but it was the very first time she and I really sat down and talk to each other as adults and that was nice to have that first step done. I did take my buddies advice and let my sister pay for her trip to Beijing. As for places near here, we took care of that for her but overrall it wasn’t too bad. She seemed to have enjoyed herself  but was definetly awkward here. I had to laugh at some moments but it went alright.

As for me, trying to get my body in order. My husband gets so frustrated with me because we get one thing fixed and something else seems to come up and he gets tired of it because that man doesn’t get sick. Me, have had inching in the back of my throat/mouth for years and we are trying to get that figured out. So far, the allergy med worked only two days, the shot worked a week and now taking some really really nasty tasty chinese herbal medicine and that doesn’t seem to work so well. It really hits hard at night so haven’t had a good night of sleep in a while now. O n top of that, cronic yeast infection. Have had trouble but it seems to be getting worse. In the course of less then two months I have been hit 4 times. So, trying out another way and see if that helps.

Eating wise, hubby asked me to stop eating my “diet food” and go back to normal food but eat less. He thinks perhaps I binge so bad because I am craving oil and salt too badly> Maybe, this is day two so we shall see. Still having a great deal of trouble with binging at night. Hubby still can’t figure out how I gain so much weight so quickly when what he sees me eat is not much. I wish I could just stop with what I eat in front of him, then things would be much better but that stupid closet eater comes out and slews the snacks if any are around or justr makes more. Just hate it. My husband is now trying to get me to come out with him and walk at night so I am trying to do that but I skipped yesterday because I was on my feet all day teaching and was too tired.

Well, time is running out on me and I need to run to teach my last class for today. It is fun though with using power point and teaching weddings. I have had so much fun with learning how to use it and make it work for me (in chinese!)

Well, got about 1/2 an hour before school and my youngest is still asleep so thought I would pop in here and post a bit before she gets up and starts rolling because then there is no time. I did mess up during the weekend. It wasn’t as bad as it couldve been but Ive been worse so at least that is better. I keep messing up but I also keep trying and I think that is worth something at least because there are times where I feel I just want to quit but my weight bothers me so bad I can’t give up so trying again today. Stomach a little quesy today so maybe something I ate yesterday got to me so hopefully it will make it easier to keep on plan today.

Things are going better for Dh and I. It really is amazing what hormones do to your body. They reak havok on mine. I really go on a rollar coaster with mine but the trouble is my roller coaster doesn’t do the up, only the steep down! But now I am remembering my vitamens, it has been a whole lot better. Still fighting the infection. I think I may need to hit the doctor again. Not itching now but having sex hurts so worried about that. Someone suggested that perhaps my husband is giving it to me. I wish it was that simple but it is not. When I was in America for about a month, I got one while I was there and I was not with him then. Something in my body is not right but don’t know what. I was in the US for too short of a time for the doctor to pinpoint anything down. Over here, they are useless for that so just have to battle it out. Perhaps it could be becuase of the intro to too many sweets this year doing it, maybe? But I have been battling it out even when Iw as losing weight and had no sweets so who knows!

Was at the doctors last night, my youngest has chicken pox, wonderful! HOw in the world does that virus stay alive? I am just thankful that the older two have already had their share of it but they had a light case so I will have to watch them pretty carefully.

Work is going well. I am really enjoying it a lot better (except for one class) and that has made my life easier.

One worrying point for me is this Sunday. My sister is coming to visit me. This will be the first time in over ten years that anyone from my family has ever come to visit me in China. So, I should be happy, right? Well, I am more nervous and worried about it. You see, my sister and I are 13 years apart so pretty much we are strangers in every way. By the time she was toddling around, Iw as already out of the house so we have never really gotten close. I have always lived too far away or  really, we just did not click to be honest. So, I am worried about that. Plus, having her here is like have an extension of my mother here. Whatever happens, she will be telling my mother and my mother will beleive everyting so I worry about that. I want to show her a good time but have no idea what she likes. I have begged her sevearl times to tell me where and what but she just keeps putting it off. I am worried that she will want to visit Beijing and all that on my buck. It costs a lot for plane tickets and all that so I worry about that plus with her putting it off on planning, getting a ticket by the time she gets here will cost big because we will be on national holiday and let me tell you, China has a LOT of people. Also, I only have four days off to spend with her so how to take care of her when I am working? I can’t ask off from work because 1. new job 2. strict system.  I can’t leave her on her own because of the language factor I know it will all work out someway but I worry anyway. Plus, where to put her to sleep. She hates kids but I only have two rooms for her, one with the two older kids or a small one with the younger one. No getting out of it. Hmmm, if it was my big brother I would not worry because I know him pretty good but with her, I do worry.  I also worry about food. If she doens’t like chinese food, she will be pretty much up the creek without a paddle. Hopefully she has changed and grown up since the last I saw her. We have never really liked each other that much honestly and yes I know that for a fact because she told my mother about it while my mother was talkign about me and how bad I was (yes, I was bad and read the email) BUt, just have to keep to my family rules. Keep mouth shut, say nothing bad about any family and try to be a gracious host even if I have to use my money from my savings   Yikes, any ideas guys?

Today has been a nice day. This is Friday for me and Friday means only one class for the day and it has been nice to not have to run like crazy as I do every day other then. Of course, have to take care of my little one but she is napping right now so I thought that I should get on and start to write what I feel and such. Have been struggling with attitude really really bad. Then figured out, havent’ been taking the vitamens for my pms. started taking them yesterday and let me tell you, woke up and felt so much better. I hate pms because it feels liek the whole world against me kind of thing. Still struggling with it a bit, especially with hubby but on the whole, feel a little better.
Now, on the weight side of things, man, blob oh blob. I have really got to get serious about gtetting this back off and keeping it off. I hate the way I do, I make up my mind andthen a loittle while later,  I start thinking about such and such. Lucky enough I ate all the snacks before so there is nothing unless I go and cook it, terrible isn’t it! But I was ready to do just that today and stopped myself. You see, a friend of mine sent me a dirty duck. No, really, a trully little bath duck that she found in the garbage. WHy is this important? Because I belong to a group that takes ducks and turns them into swans. She was having such a rough time some time ago and when she was about to give up and give in, she found the duck in her garbage. She sent that little thing all the way fromt he US to little ol me. So, I took that duck out and looked at it. I have to be strong, nobody can be strong for me. I hae to get a handle on this eating. I did figure out one thing I am doing> I am using food to punish my husband. Crazy isn’t it, I get mad at him and hurt myself. But that is exactly what I am doing and it is making life really bad for me. It is crazy how weight not only effects our physical being but it also effects our emotional, mental and spiritual being. Even my dreams are affected! Last night I dreamed I looked in the mirror and my mother’s face was looking back at me with the multiple chins she has. It really made me so sad in my dream. My husband is keeping more and more of a distance btw he and me and I know a lot of it is because of my weight gain. I know, some of you may yell about how he should love me for who and not what I am but be honest, who doesn’t look at the body? We were made that way. Graceous, even I look in the mirror when I have no clothes on and I am disgusted at what I see anymore. I don’t even let my husband come to the bathroom with me when I bathe because of how I look. I have discovered that I am a true flapper, when I go down the stairs, my belly and thighs flap against each other! I avoid looking at my reflection anymo9re, climbing all the stairs here is starting to wear on me, I am ashamed to go out anymo9re and now students are muttering how fat I am. In class, they asked me, why was I so fat. I think I mentioned this in the previous blog. They are right to ask. When I go shopping, I look with depression at all the clothes that I previosuly was starting to get into and now, I could n ot fit a thigh in. Why am I self destructive to myself? I get downa nd then go up again like a yoyo, a true yoyo dieter.  I have to find the real Rachel, the Rachelt hat lost over 100 pounds and I have to find that person again. I have to get that strength back. I feel like I am a young child again with sneaking my food all the time, gulping it down so quickly so nobody finds out and so on.
Tina was right, my dreams are showing my lack of control, my fear of it. There is only one way to get it back and that is just to do it. I can’t blame anyone for my troubles because we all have them and most of the time our troubles all coorolate. I have got to beat this but you know what, that is the wrong word, I will never beat this. I have to learn to maintaina nd control it. It will never be beaten. I know that and I know it means I realy have to do without the deserts and snacks. I just don’t want to face a life like that but if I don’t face a life like that, I will never keep the weight off. Sometimes I just want to take the “easy” route and get a gastric bypass but you know what, it is still hard and even harder because of the harm you do to your body. You still have to change your eating habits. You still have to do without the “good junk” So, why do I have to hurt my body to make me eat right when I can just eat right without allt he trouble.  I am going to do this, I have to do this. I should have been at goal by this summer and isntead, I am battling it out again. How many times will I have to lose the same pounds? How many times do I have to look at my body and try to hide it under a towel when my hsuband sees me in the bathroom. Enough! So, today I have started and will try to keep up with this blog to help keep things under control. Already had two strong coffees to help. Was thinking of going to the coffee house to get out of the house but knew I could not deal with the temptations while out. I want to do this. I want  to feel pretty again. I want that confidence, be able to fit in my clothes again, to stop hiding and have my husband want me again. Goodness, I want a lot and all it takes it getting my control back again and stop being the blob. The blog doesn’t seem to have a mind, it just mindlessly goes and eats and gets bigger. It never stops to think but keeps going and getting bigger and more destructive. I am doing that. I am not thinking about things and I keep getting bigger and more destructive not only to myself but to all those in my immediate vicinity. Time for control.

Just got up a few minutes ago. Really kinda out of it because just had a bad night of not sleeping well and when I did sleep, I was having nightmares of spiders, ok, one really big one and I could feel it on my legs and was kicking literally! And I also dreamed that I walked into my little girls room and someone took her and the window was wide open. Woke up with a scream on that one. So, thought I would come here and try to talk myself back into thinking normally. I have missed blogging very much but it seems my time slips away before I even know it. I had thought I would be having more time today in the morning but have to listen to an insurance agent for work, what fun!

Work is going well. I thought I would be doing terrible with high schoolers but actually it is going alright. They are the best students in this area (we have various high schools that take different grade levels from middle school) I am enjoying talking iwth them but I want to think of more topics to have them talk about, anyone have any ideas?

As for hubby and I, well, not so good. Maybe I am letting little things get to me but it seems he only wants to be near me, talk with me or come to bed early is when he wants sex. Ok, I like sex but not all the time. GIve me a break, I am so busy and sometimes I just want to drop in bed and I am not interested. Anyway, it seems we are drifting apart somehow and I don’t kow how to stop it.. Is this how marriage is where you pretty much do your own life with occasional brushes with your spouse? Because of an infection , I battle yeast infections like crazy, another problem I can’t get solved no matter what medicine they put me on) he can’t have sex. So, he goes to bed really late. So, pretty much I don’t get time with him much anymore. The other night, he goes out with a college friend and just did not come back at all. That really got me steaming. I am sure it will work out. I am just letting this all out.

Weight wise, well, there is where the demons come in. I still have not been able to get a handle on my binging and I am back up to the 180s! That is where a lot of this negatve talk is coming though. FOr goodness sake, when I go down the stairs I can feel my thighs literally flappi ng against each other! I want to stop and do well till night time, then it is like a demon comes to possess me and I go crazy. I really do wish I could have someone to just tie me up until I come to my senses. Winter is approaching and I have very little to wear now. One of my students yesterday asked me “Rachel, why are you so fat?” I could not get angry but they work at a whole different mentality here and it was not meant hurtfully. I first educated him on never asking that question to another foreigner but for my own answer, I have to ask myself, why? Another lady said I had looked so good when I got thin, now i was getting fat again, why. I dont know. Why can’t I stop? Why can’t I find the control? I know there is noone who can do it for me. maybe force myself? I don’t know, I really don’t know. I wish I could turn back time to last January and not fall off the plan and i would have been to goal but the question really would be, could I have stayed at goal?

Ok I will be back for more mental perusal later. I am out of my allotted morning time (15 min) and need to get allt he kids up and going.

Well, since I last wrote, I went on another binge. Just went downhill from there. Still trying to figure out how to cut that off, take control of myself and I have yet to figure it out. I got a lot of good comments about ideas and things and I was surprised at how many did understand exactly what I felt. Living over in China, nobody understands how I feel, how I get out of control but can’t stop, how I eat and don’t want to eat more but can’t help it. To know you guys are struggling with the same thing makes me feel not so isolated. One of the ideas I was given was about when the “authority figures” were out of the house, I ate so why dn’t I change it to where I am the authrotiy figure;. PRetty good idea and I have triedd oing that but when I do that that is where my “all or nothing” comes in. It is the only way I can control myself and keep control I think I need to just concentrate on that for right now and don;t worry about how to balance it out till later. I know my body likes living healthy, not just the weight but also blood blisters in my mouth from eating sweets/processed carbs, bad stomach and other things. My body is talking loudly and I have to choose to listen or not. I want to listen because I feel terrible when I don’t.

So, I started back on track. I started the new school semester on Tuesday and decided that if I am starting that and back to routine, then I will start eating right on the same day and time. Sometimes routine really helps me where nothing else does. I have to say, yep, the routine has helped tremendously! I have been back on track and doing well. Tomorrow starts the weekend so will have to see how that pans out but I am determined to make it this time. Well, I really have too. I have some “fat” clothes I can still use in the summer but winter comes and I have no clothes I can wear. I had them all cut down to fit me so if I don’t lose for winter, I will be a really cold Rachel. Living over here, there isn’t the option of buying more clothes until I am thinner again so back on track, making a come3back and reaching goal!

Ok, doing alright. Had a moment of wanting to bing but resisted. I have found I always want to eat when the  “authority” is not at home. I thinki it comes fromw hen I was younger and living with my family, I would wait till they were not around and then eat. So, anytime I am alone, that is when it hits. I will have to learn how to cope but I really think that it will never go away. It comes down to that I have to be constantly aware of the problem . Kinda like an addict, ok, like an addict. They never get rid of their addiction completely. They only learn how to manage the monster and have to be on their guard all the time. Sounds like an exhausting life. Just being honest.  I know another root problem is my rebellious nature. I want what I can’t have. Being told I can’t have something leads to me wanting it even more. Sure sure, some of you will say, don’t deprive y oruself, take small portions and so on but what you don’t think about is I am an addict. Take an alcoholic or a druggie for instance, if they come to you saying I want to drink/get a hit but I can’t and it makes me feel like I am so deprived, what will you say? Oh, just take a small hit, just take a small sip and then you can handle it. No, of course not. YOu know that even that small taste will set them off. So it is with me also. I can’t control myself. I know I really don’t want to eat and not hungry but I still keep stuffing myself. Have done that since, goodness, I was 12 to 13. My mother quit buying the boxes of ice cream because I would eat them all, one day. Still really bad about that. I buy popsicles and such and I can eat probably six or more in one sitting. I know what I am doing and I feel horrible but it is like I can’t stop myself. I get up and get another one and tell myself, this is the last one, no more. So, how to learn to stop this. I can go for a walk, get online and so on but in the back of my mind, the urge is there , it is like an obsession . SO how to stop, I don’t know. It isn’t like drinking or drugs where you can totally give it up. YOu have to eat. I know he answer you know I just don’t want to accept it. I have to eat healthy the rest of my life and give up all the junk. Salad or grilled will be a way of life. I just hate to think about that but I know in the end, that will be all that works. I just worry about my mentality, all or nothing. How did I lose that 100 pounds, all or nothing baby. I have tried to change it but after 100 pounds, still hasn’t changed. One day I have to learn. I still have at least 40 more pounds to lose and I want thta so bad. But do I want it bad enough to overcome binging?

It’s been rough with the eating. I can go for a few weeks and then I fall into bing mode again. It really does scare me about how to change myself. So many have told me, when you get down more, it will just clickand you will not want to bing anymore. Ok, I have lost over 100 and let me tell you, I still want to bing and still do bing.  I can put away a whole box of cupcakes, lots of ice cream, fried rice and packs of cookies and that is one night! I don’t know why I do it and I don’t know how to stop myself. I keep trying to learn what to do to prevent binging but have yet to figure any of that out yet. There has been no click for me. It has been pure willpower to just not take that first bite that ends into a bing. What will I do when I reach goal? I can’t continue to eat this way all my life. I will have to eat other things but how to prevent going crazy? When I go on binges I don’t stop but continue it for a week or more and gain over ten easy in the first week. I hate tis and want it to stop but just am befuddle in how to stop it. Some have said to keep trigger food out of the house. Trouble is that anything becomes the target of binging no matter how much I like or dislike it.

Last night was another night of wanting ot continue binging but my husband asked me if i wanted to go out for a massage or stay home. I knew in my present state, staying home was not a good decision so went ofr a massage. So glad I did .Have been having headaches really bad lately (I think a side effect of too much sugar and carbs) so I had a head massage ohhhhh, that was nice. when I got home, was feeling much better. So two days in and ready to start three.  Had a bit of stomach problems today but I think my system is getting rid of allt he junk. I have got to stay on plan and get to goal and stay there for once and for all! I am tired of going back and forth like a yoyo or a hamster in a ball!

Thank you for the concern of thosea bout my weight loss. I can assure you that I did not starve myself or anything but just ate normal. I have no idea why I lost that amount in a week and was amazed. But I am positive that from now on it will be more normal. I am just so thankful that things have finally “clicked” with me. Things were going so bad for me this year with eating. I would be doing really well for a few days and then go crazy with binge eating the rest of the time and I just could not stop. It was like I was starving all the time. Then finally, one day things just went click and I was fine. It has been two weeks now and goodness I feel so much better and now have control back in my life. Physically is great in feeling but what is even better is just feeling better mentally. When I eat off plan, I get really nasty toward people. I think it is a combination of how I feel about myself and deflecting it toward others but I also think that something in the food and such really does react badly with me.
I am now going and learning some of my triggers again. I just cant’ yoyo all the time. I am thankful I was able to stop it this time before I got over 200 but I want to learn how to control myself to the point of five or less pounds. I see myself go up more then 1 pound, right back on plan and no binging. THis week, I have lost about 2 pounds or a bit more but what I really see changing is my inches. I am measuring myself next week to see how many I have dropped in two weeks but just by looking in the mirror and my clothes, I know I have lost a ton. It amazes me but it shouldn’t. When I was eating and then weigh, I really did not weigh that much and I thought my body was just “that good” Yeah right, might not have been putting on the weight just yet but it was putting on the inches! So, never trick yourself in thinking just because you don’t gain weight that you can still have that bad food. Look at your inches also! Even my husband is saying I am looking skinnier now and he is very straight about what he thinks and I honestly feel much better. So, first goal is to get to 155. Should be there by the end of this month is what I am hoping and then  onto 140’s and then to get below that . I want ot make goal this time! I am just thankful things clicked and I really will always have to watch myself in my eating and all that.

I hate to say I will never be able to eat bread and cookies but until I figure out how to stay within a portion size, I will have to avoid it. Right now, to take one to two cookies is like giving one hit to an addict, it isnt’ enough and I obsess about the rest of them. Last night, I was really dead tired and my kids cookies really were calling me. I don’t even really like chip ahoy cookies, too dry but right at that moment that was all I could really think of at the time. I kept telliong myself and thinking about how they really tasted and how I would feel after that first bite (the guilt and such) FInally called my kids in there to finish all of them and once intheir stomach, I was fine. Woke up in the morning feeling extra fine! And I got to try out my new bd present. My mom sent me a french press and some good coffee (we don’t ahve good coffee over here) and I made a cup of the “spring riot” Man, that was better then junk food! So great and I drink it black so no problemw itht eh diet. I wanted another cup so bad but have to use it sparingly since I can’t get any more coffee till next year. But taht, was better than any cookies, cake or bread. So, secreet, make that before any junk food crosses these lips! I am so excited looking over my body and seeing allt he changes again. I have missed you my old thin friend!

And that was just five days. Horrible really if you consider what I was eating to keep up there and keep going up. Many say they can’t really get that many calories in to gain so fast but I sure can and I hate it. Iam feeling so much better and more in control of myself. It is great also because I was getting into the habit of weighing on Tuesday and then binging the rest of the day with the rational that I would have six days to get it off. Crazy but that is what I would do and of course I went up and never down from that. But today, just weighing in makes me even more motivated to keep it going and get it down and to goal for good. I can now wear more of my clothes that I bought in the US and that feels good. I still have ones I can’t wear and underwear but I am looking forward to getting them on again soon! I want to look nice and feel nice. It is so  strange that I use food to make me feel better but within 10 min of it, I get to be a terrible witch and feel like the world has it out for me. I really think the chemicals in it are not good for me. Maybe it is alright in small doses but in the large doses I do, I pretty much overdose on it and my body has it’s revenge on me not just in weight gain but also in bad attitude and so on. I want to keep this up and feel I love myself again. I know I still have a ways to go but hey, first step is a doozy and then the rest will fall in line. I am thinking I can be in the 150’s by August and maybe high 140s. So, By Sept, I can start to wear my cooler weather clothes because if I don’t get down, I will have nothing to wear!

Oh, and Nancy, no new job yet. Still looking but can’t find any. My job told me too late so many places don’t need a teacher. Trying to not worry aboiut it but I still do.

It has been some time since being back on here. Things have beenrough with things in life but that is normal for everyone. My biggest trouble is that I am such a addict, for r3eal. With refined flour and sugar products. I eat and eat and eat and not hungry but I keep looking for things to keep eating even when it makes me sick. I gained 20 pounds in two weeks if that tells you anything. But I was miserable and finally somebody online gave me some tough love, I needed that. Nt the soft version of , it will be alright. No the hard version. I have so far done five days and feeling good. The first day was not the greatest and a day in the middle of the week but a total of five days on plan and feeling a lot better. Today’s weigh in shows me 15 pounds down so that makes me feel so much better but also so much more ashamed. Why? Because with that kind of weight loss in five days, shows just how much I was eating and out of control.

Tomorrow will be official weigh in and feeling good about it. I want to look good for my new job, when I find one because I lost my last one, they let me go *sigh*